Keep That Shit On The Down Low

You do NOT want to be late with any feedings.

I read the other day that new evidence has surfaced that supports the claim of a man who had claimed that he was Hitler’s love-child with a young French woman. The first thing I thought was that I’m not so sure you want to be running around announcing that you’re Hitler’s son. I mean, it’s got to be hard to get second dates when you drop that little nugget of information into play during dinner. “Well, I’m an avid reader, I like to travel, and I’m the son of the mastermind behind the slaughter of six million innocent people. What about you?” At that point you may as well drop in that you’ve got herpes and that your name is Mel Gibson, because it won’t make things worse: You’re just not getting any action tonight, Adolf Jr.

The man’s story is kind of sad, actually. His mother dropped what had to be the King Kong of all bombshells on him when he was in his 40’s: “Oh, hey, by the way, you know how you’re crazy about strudel?…” He then spent over two decades pretending that he didn’t hear that before he decided to look into the claims further and discovered that it was very likely that his mom wasn’t lying and that she really had banged Hitler when she was sixteen. Come to think of it, I’m not so sure all of that research was necessary because what kind of sick, warped human being would make that claim to her son for kicks? “Yeah, it was hilarious. I told him I fucked Hitler after prom, and now he spends half his time at home in front of the mirror with a fake Charlie Chaplin mustache. Hahahaha!!!”

So I guess it’s hard for me to fathom the fact that this guy claimed (although didn’t use) the Hitler name. The way I see it, life is hard enough when your ancestors pass you genetic traits such as extreme flatulence or an IQ that dips below 100, but its got to be damn near intolerable when you walk into a job interview holding a résumé with the name Mussolini on top of it. This is why God invented “laying the fuck low”. If you keep the name Dahmer, for instance, it has to limit your possibilities no matter how unfair that may be. You’re probably not going to be a day care provider, and God help you if you work in a grocery store. “Hey, Dahmer! The deli needs some head cheese, and the meat department needs more ground Chuck. C’mon, chop-chop!” Fuck that, just change your name.

Here’s a perfect example. This man, through no fault of his own, was saddled before birth with a very unfortunate name.

Ok, first of all, kudos to this guy for having the balls to stick with the family name. If that’s the direction you want to go with it, then more power to you, Fagot. But I can’t imagine he felt that way when he was, say, thirteen, because if you’re envisioning a bunch of thirteen year old boys being understanding about a name like that, then you’re probably on the set of the fucking Brady Bunch because thirteen year olds are total fucking assholes.

So here’s what we do: We go Logan’s Run on the naming conventions. Logan’s name, for instance, was Logan 5, which is totally kick-ass. Way better than Logan Schicklgruber-Lipschitz. Kids may find it endlessly entertaining to give swirlies to little Dickie Hitler, but I bet they’d think twice before fucking with Rick 42. Rick 42 sounds like a fucking badass.

Here are the Logan’s Run naming rules:

  • Parents must submit a first name to the Department of Cool Names upon the birth of their child.
  • The DCN will then assign a number based upon availability in that region and how cool it sounds.
  • Any parent caught trying to slip one past the DCN in an effort to name their kid Maroon 5 or Blink 182 will have their gonads carved out with a potato peeler.
  • The number 69 will be not be made available. This will prevent children from being taunted with lines such as, “Hey, Jimmy 69! (sniff sniff) Do you smell something?”
  • In the event that a person becomes really famous and it is deemed necessary to alter his name to prevent confusion, that person will have a cool sounding noun appended to his current name. So while there may be many Hank 14’s out there, the one that invented the teleporter would be Hank 14 Hammer. Again, anyone caught trying to game the system so that their child winds up being called Nancy 4 President will be gelded with a potato peeler.
  • Someone naming their kid Skidoo in an effort to have them named Skidoo 22 would get an administrative pass because that shit’s just plain funny.

The advantages of this plan are, I believe, obvious. Another benefit is that they form a more sincere, coherent, and agreeable platform than any presidential candidate since the 70s has been able to come up with. (I’m looking at you, Newt 42!)

– Greg 8 Mushrooms

17 Responses to “Keep That Shit On The Down Low”

  1. Rick 42 DOES sound pretty fucking badass 🙂

    Thanks for that morning read. It was fantastic.
    (I was going to yell ‘Heil’ but I don’t know if many would appreciate my sarcasm, even if it’s clearly related to this post, so I’ll just keep it to myself)

    • Greg says:

      Yes, you want to be very, very careful throwing that word around. You don’t want a bunch of bald white dudes with forehead tattoos showing up at your door wanting to hang out.

  2. Pish Posh says:

    Are you saying you think Bob Saget changed his name just ever so slightly?

    I don’t feel so bad for the son. I feel bad for the woman. I mean she probably didn’t realize at the time how bad this guy was. And then, one day, she heard. Talk about worst one night stand ever. I mean there are some guys in my past that make me cringe when I think about them. “What was I thinking!” Oopsies. But do you know how dirty she must feel to have this weenus and then fuckjuice and then satan’s spawn IN her?

    Ah the potato peeler…

    That would be the one time I might use it on myself…

  3. Brett Minor says:

    I worked with a girl named Kathy Hogshead. She hated her name and could not wait to get married to lose that disgusting name.

    She met her Prince Charming when she was 20 and now proudly wears the name Mrs. Kathy Goatsbottom.

    • Greg says:

      For reals?

      I knew the nicest girl growing up. Super sweet, nice to everyone, just a great person. And her parents had saddled her with the worst stripper name you can imagine. She couldn’t wait to get married to get rid of it.

  4. Laylah says:

    So Greg my condolences for not winning the well deserved title of Best Kept Secret Blog at the Bloggies..I know how ya feel buddy.
    Adventures of the kitchen ninja? Oh puh-leez. Another boring cooking blog. Look at all the awesome stuff you have on here!! How is this possible?

    You know what I think? There must be a way the winners cheated, right? I mean how could anyone possibly vote for any other blog?? Maybe they created a hundred fake emails? Maybe they held ppl at gunpoint at internet cafes? Who knows?
    All I know is that Bloggess was nominated for four categories and only won one, that seems suspicious to me! I mean she’s the best, how could she not possibly win all of them??
    That’s like the Oscar going to Tori Spelling instead of Meryl Streep!

    I would love to hear your review of the winning Asian blog, Unbrave girl?

    P.S. you know I’m totally kidding right 🙂

    • Greg says:

      I know the Kitchen Ninja didn’t win because of that. I held at least twice that many people hostage in an internet cafe, and it didn’t help me!

      Oh well, I’m happy enough to have been nominated, because even that isn’t easy, and very happy that our own Vesta brought home a trophy. Well, not a trophy, but you know what I mean.

  5. Vesta Vayne says:

    Wow (above).

    I went to school with a kid named Brock Lee. Nope, not kidding. Parents can be mean.

    I like this number after the name thing. I personally plan to name my child Vesta Junior, whether it’s a boy or girl. My husband is not on board with this…but Vesta 27? Now that does have a nice ring…

  6. brennan says:

    It would be cool to meet the guy because maybe he could answer (or maybe his mum could) a question that has puzzled me since I was a little kid and heard the rhyme;

    “Hitler has only got one ball,
    the other, is on the dunny wall.
    his mother, the dirty bugger,
    cut it off when he was small”

    If true, it might explain some of his behavioural problems.

    • brennan says:

      So I was right in my suspicions. Now I can sing the ditty loud, knowing that, at least in one aspect, it’s historically accurate.

      Now I’m off to find some more bourbon and white supremacists.

  7. Rusty 53 says:

    Sasnta Claus, before he was St Nick, was just Mr Cole.

    Mr Nick Cole…

  8. Suniverse says:

    We have friends where the husband has what is unarguably the worst last name ever [which I will not share because it is unique and I don’t want them knowing I was bandying the name about on the Internets]. Like, you’d think it was made up by malicious 13 year old boys. Seriously.

    And the wife TOOK HIS LAST NAME. SHE DID IT. That is some kind of love. Of course, that they saddled their kids with this name is some kind of something.

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