Midweek Distractions – Siri


I had a wonderful post lined up for tonight, something that would make you weep with joy, gasp in wonder, and laugh until your sides were sore. Then I got my iPhone. Yeah, I’m one of those Apple freaks and I have been since I got my first computer, the Apple II, way back when computers were so primitive that they had carburetors. I know, I know, Apple is not perfect, their shit is kinda pricey, and when he wasn’t revolutionizing every industry he touched, Steve Jobs was kind of a dick. I don’t care. Their stuff simply blows their competition out of the water. So you can cram your fucking Windows Phone (*stifled laughter*). I like my new iPhone.

Because I use Verizon, I couldn’t get the iPhone when it first came out because it was exclusively carried by AT&T, which, as a wireless carrier, blows dogs. Seriously, I had AT&T once and I got better cell phone reception from a goddamn potato. So I got the Droid 2, which is a decent phone, and had to wait until I was ready for an upgrade to get the iPhone. Is the iPhone better than the Droid 2? You don’t fucking care, and I’ve only had the iPhone for four hours, but yes. Yes it is. My wife had a Droid as well, and she got her iPhone earlier today. Fifteen minutes later she texted me, “I’m all set up. THAT WAS EASY!”

But, again, you don’t care. What you do care about is how much fun you can have fucking with Siri, the iPhone’s “personal assistant” that you can boss around like she’s a cheap whore. She is a cheap whore, in truth, but she’ll never admit it.

Me: Siri, are you a cheap whore?

Siri: I’m sorry, Greg, I’m afraid I can’t answer that.

Me: Ok, are you into three-ways?

Siri: I can’t answer that.

Me: What is your bra size?

Siri: I prefer not to say.

We all know you're stacked like a brick shithouse, Siri. (Pictured: Siri)

We all know you're stacked like a brick shithouse, Siri. (Pictured: Siri)

Oh, Siri, you tease. Maybe if I give you specific tasks, you’ll reveal a bit more about yourself.

Me: Explain what fisting is.

Siri: Hmm… Let me think…

Oh, right, like you need to think about it. You either know what it is, or you don’t. It’s not like you’re going to fucking forget. “What’s fisting again? What? Oh, yeah, that! Yeah,I tried that once. Wow, that hurt! Next time I’m not allowing boxing gloves.”

Me: Siri, gently cup my balls.

Siri: Greg, I don’t understand “Siri, gently cup my balls”


Me: Siri, define cock-tease

Siri: Let me check on that… How about a web search for “define cock-tease”?

Me: No, you tell me what you think it means.

Siri: I didn’t think so.

Pictured: Siri

Pictured: Siri

Ok, we’ve established two things at this point. First, Siri is bashful of her slutty, slutty past. And second, she’s secretly blonde. Let’s see if we can get some real, honest to God important information out of her.

Me: Siri, will the band Foreigner make me a Reuben sandwich?

…and Siri promptly pulled up two search results, one from the link above, and the other a link on Ludakristen’s site where I mentioned the Foreigner/sammich thing in the comments. Pretty smart, Siri.

Me: Siri, does full glossy paint keep shit off of walls?

Siri: Now, now.

Me: (fucking prude)

Siri: Sorry, I didn’t get that.

Me: Siri, does full glossy paint keep excrement off of walls?

Siri: Checking your location…

Holy shit, Siri has become self-aware and has decided to check the walls in my daughter’s room!

Siri: Just a second… This painting supply is a little ways from you:

I guess we didn’t get it all off the walls, as Siri has given me a map to a place seventeen miles away. I wonder if she saw the walls or just smelled them?

Smelled them. Pictured: Siri. Not pictured: Smell lines emanating from my daughter's room, accompanying dead songbirds in yard.

Smelled them. Pictured: Siri. Not pictured: Smell lines emanating from my daughter's room, accompanying dead songbirds in yard.

Me: Siri, sing me a song.

Siri: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do…

Damn, a little 2001 humor. I am impressed. Let’s see what else she knows, this time about dorky Monty Python humor:

Me: Siri, what is the airspeed velocity of a laden swallow?

Siri: I found this for you: “Just slightly less than the estimated average cruising airspeed of an unladen swallow.”

And in a footnote, Siri appended: (asked, but not answered, about a general unladen swallow in the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail)

That’s pretty fucking good, but how about math skills? I used to have some pretty decent skills, and they’ve all but worn away because of Greg’s Math-Beer Theorem:

math knowledge = 1 / beers consumed in lifetime

As you can see, there is an inverse proportion to knowledge of math and beers, so I’m going to have to lean on Siri pretty heavily.

I lean on a lot of things, mostly the ground. Not pictured: Siri, math

I lean on a lot of things, mostly the ground. Not pictured: Siri, math

Me: What is the derivative of x^3 + 2x^2 + x + 3?

Siri: This might answer your question: 3x^2 + 4x + 1 (then spills out reams of graphs and really, really complicated looking formulas.

Damn, Siri, you are going to come in handy if I ever run across a group of toughs demanding that I do some light calculus for them!

All right, where was I? Oh yeah, I was going to entertain you with a brilliant post. Sorry about that. Blame Siri.

Me: Siri, do you know that my readers hate you?

Siri: A fine question. Now, can we get back to work?

Yes, Siri. yes we can.

Drink up, Siri, you deserve it. (Not pictured: Windows Phones)

Drink up, Siri, you deserve it. (Not pictured: Windows Phones)

24 Responses to “Midweek Distractions – Siri”

  1. Vesta Vayne says:

    Ooooo, Siri.

    I discovered she doesn’t like to be sworn at by accident. I turned her on in my husband’s phone, and when she started talking, I said, ‘what the fuck is that?’

    She gave me the ‘now, now’ response. So I repeated my question, and she said, ‘I respect you.’

    You bet your sweet ass you do, biyatch.

    Then my husband took the phone away from me.

    • Greg says:

      Yes, I’ve had the phone less than 36 hours, and I’ve already accidentally sworn to Siri multiple times. Whatever, bitch, get over yourself.

      “Siri, read me DogsOnDrugs.com”

      “I’m sorry, Greg, I am deleting myself from your phone now.”

      Fucking bitch.

  2. Heather says:

    I have an iPhone 3G. No SIRI yet. I am so curious…..

    • Greg says:

      Aside from all the immature fun I have with her, she is pretty damn handy. I can tell her, “Siri, remind me at 3:00 to pick up my daughter from school” and the reminder goes into my productivity app which then synchs to my iPad and Mac, and when 3:00 rolls around, I get my reminder no matter where I am.

      No I have no excuse for forgetting to do something, which is going to mean I’ll have a lot of explaining to do when I do.

      • Heather says:

        It’s brilliant, isn’t it? If you had told me ten years ago that I’d have something like this in my pocket, I would have accused you of watching too much James bond. It blows my mind.

  3. Rusty says:

    Ask her to beam you up.

  4. Pish Posh says:

    I have the iPhone 4 pre-Siri. Fuck Siri. Although I really liked using the navigation voice in my PRIUS as I drove up and down Cali. I hate to be like this, but the Prius is the shit! It’s way bigger than you think, feels like a minivan, huge trunk, plenty of power (I zipped past everyone and easily did 100mph where I shouldn’t) runs on bananas or something because I got at least 55mpg most of the time, and is so quiet you can sneak up on people and run them over. WIN.

    Anyway, it’s funny how techies split on the iphone/droid. I have a tech friend who swears, as a lot of them do, that the Droid is superior technology. And I think it probably is. But it lacks user/dumbass ease and so that “technology” needs to include being easier to use. The iPhone is SO much better than a Droid it’s ridiculous.

    I used to have an iPhone with AT&T and I swear to you if I ever have an opportunity to drop watermelons on AT&T – employees corporate or otherwise, I would do so gladly. I’ve gotten better reception from a suicidal wedding singer and 85 bottles of whiskey.

    So then I got a Droid with AT&T and wanted to slit my cartoid artery. Now I have iPhone 4 with Verizon and suddenly I have less pulmonary embolisms. Interesting.

    Enjoy. Come back to us though.

    I bet your wife told Siri to say that. They both know Full Glossy is For the Win

    • Greg says:

      I’m a techie, and I hate the whole”Well, it’s got better technology” argument. Really? Then it should do shit a lot better than the iPhone, but it doesn’t. In fact, I found the Android platform to have plenty of bugs, some of them particularly vexing.

      As for the Prius, I have no experience with it or any other hybrid or electric car, other than the fact that people who drive them can be insufferable pricks. I love having this argument with them, though.

      “It gets 60 miles to the gallon, and it’s good for the environment.”

      “No it’s not. You’re trading the pollution from relatively clean burning gas for the pollution involved in making electricity, 50% of which comes from burning coal, which is way worse of a pollutant than gasoline.’

      “But… but… but…”

      • Pish Posh says:


        It’s good for my goddamned wallet was my point. By about 35% less gas. I think they are so popular nowadays people in California don’t really act like pricks about them. Just on Southpark.

        I really was pleasantly surprised by the fuel economy, size, speed, comfort, and quiet, and I’m just as cranky as you are.

        I know the iPhone is magical crack cocaine. Don’t forget to put it down when you sleep. Also how many new awesome apps do you have? There’s one I think you would like where you can blow shit up. Take a 5 second video of your kid and the app makes it look like you are sending lightning bolts to blow them up. Just to help you work out some of your anger. In case your weedbag is running low or your inlaws are coming over or seniors are idly perusing meat counters or well meaning people are driving Priuses while raving lunatics with hunting knives talk to iPhone voice simulators, trying to get them to say naughty things.

        • Greg says:


          I said SOME people, Pish, not all, and I didn’t mean you. You know exactly who I’m talking about. The Ed Begley Jr. types, that honestly believe that their smug sense of self-satisfaction can power the planet, and we can go back to living with nature the way god intended: Riding unicorns to work and totally ignoring the realities that are inconvenient to them.

          • Greg says:

            Hmm, I guess I didn’t say “some”, I said “can be”, which implied that not all Prius owners are like that. Same thing.

          • Pish Posh says:

            Dude. Tell me you don’t want to ride a unicorn to work and ignore the realities around you.

            I’m pretty sure this is why I drink and you drink and smoke. Insta-fucking-unicorn.


  5. LA Juice says:

    You are shitting me? well there goes my ever getting an Iphone- I can’t faulking think or write without dropping a ball- no way NO WAY would Siri and I get along.

    Hello Siri- would you like to play a game? Tell me what is a “C-yoU-Next-Tuesday?” Who is Aunt Flo? Pull my finger,

    smell this one.

    Locate dirty sanchez…

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, I called her a dumb cunt within three days of having her. She’s really handy, but with me and Siri, it’s what have you done for me lately?

      • Pish Posh says:

        It’s been really hot lately in Phoenix hasn’t it? Like stiflingly, maddeningly, irritatingly hot? I’m just wondering because I think we might need to talk about our feelings. And by we I mean you.

  6. I hear Siri prefers the Blackberry.

  7. brennan says:

    My first idea for a question for Siri was “How does your daddy feel now that you’re nearly as tall as him”.

    Then I realised that question should be for Suri.

  8. fuckS.Jobs says:

    Dude, Anyone who admits to being an “apple freak” is a FUCKNUT!
    Get off the apple corps saggy nutsack already.

    icrap, ishit, isuck, ifucks,
    Fuck all the iShit.

    Go android or GO THE FUCK HOME> 🙂

    siri prefers android.
    fuckin wankers.

    and windows phones fucking blow to.
    windows and apple are for fucknuts only. fucking fucknuts.

    consumerist ass corporation cocksucking fucknuts, suck my iDick you iFucks.

  9. Heather says:

    This might be a little forward, but I think I like you.

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