The Week In Review

Believe it or not, this is in the tee-ball hall of fame for most graceful play

I had the distinct pleasure of watching my five year old son play in his first tee-ball game this weekend. For those of you not familiar with tee-ball, it is exactly like baseball except the players have all been exposed to a high power Attention Deficit Disorder ray. For example, in the second inning, our right fielder, Kyle, was sitting down and dreaming about space-robots, because this is what you do when you’re five and no one can hit the ball as far as the outfield. All of a sudden, a ball actually made it through the sieve-like gloves of the infielders and rolled right up to Kyle. Startled by the sound of twenty adults suddenly shouting his name, Kyle sprang into action, turned around four or five times, located the ball and scooped it up. As he reared back to throw, he spotted a dandelion and so of course he stopped, mid-throw, bent over and blew the seeds off of the dandelion. Then he threw the ball to the infield. This is not the kind of baseball you see in the big leagues, unless you happen to be a fan of the Kansas City Royals.

Unlike the Kansas City Royals, however, my son’s team had fans that genuinely enjoyed the game and the effort put forth by the players. And the fact that it was their first game made it even that much more special for everyone. The kids loved it, and immediately began picking up on the time honored traditions that make baseball so great, such as:

  • Scratching your nuts during the national anthem
  • Climbing the chain link dugout fence and screeching like a monkey while waiting to bat
  • Placing your cap over your face and fielding by intuition alone
  • Having two, or sometimes even three runners meet at second base to discuss Mario Brothers.

The final score of the game, incidentally, was I Don’t Know to Who Gives A Fuck. This is because this is an “instructional league” where the score is not kept, and in fact, outs are not recorded. My son’s team was much better than the opposing team, and would throw out six or seven base runners who, instead of returning to the dugout to put rocks in their ears, would simply stay on base. Normally, this type of shit would get on my nerves but, hey, it’s tee-ball. Plus it’s hard to get pissed when you’ve got a dandelion-related grin on your face all day.

Kyle inspired me, in fact. Here’s a young boy under pressure to perform in a game he’s only begun to vaguely comprehend, and with dozens of adults yelling at him he still manages to see the dandelion. That’s my new goal in life: No matter how crazy it gets, I’m going to always try to see the dandelion.

Nope, no dandelions here as far as I can tell.

Nope, no dandelions here as far as I can tell.

On to the week you missed while you were waiting for an inning without outs to end.

We interrupt this post for a word from our sponsor, or at least we would if we had a sponsor, but we don’t. Instead we pretend we do, enrage multinational corporations, and line the pockets of sleaze-bucket lawyers. It’s Involuntary Advertising:

Our Poll of the Moment has just closed and the accounting firm of Me, Myself, & Beer has tabulated the results. Jan Brady is a filthy fucking slut:

Which of the following Brady kids is most likely to have caught crabs in high school?

  • Jan (56%, 10 Votes)
  • Marcia (17%, 3 Votes)
  • Greg (11%, 2 Votes)
  • Cindy (6%, 1 Votes)
  • Bobby (6%, 1 Votes)
  • Peter (6%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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Look, we all know Jan Brady is a cum-dumpster. Anyone that neurotic about living in her sister’s shadow is bound to do almost anything to get attention, and if that means letting the football team go elbow-deep, well, then so be it. We had a girl like her in my high school. She had recently moved back to the area after having been gone for five years. When she came back, she was not the gangly, awkward shy girl I had known. “Hey, Kim! Wow, I haven’t seen you in a long time. How’ve you been?” I asked as I suddenly found her sitting next to me. “I’ve been doing ok. I got these braces, though, and guys hate them because their pubes keep getting caught in them. What are you doing after school?” Yikes. “Not you.”

Anyway, Jan Brady ran away with the poll, with her sister Marcia coming in second. Cindy was tied for last. The Brady boys somehow got votes as well, which is fucked up and wrong, people. Have you ever seen three boys that deserve the tag “Lifelong Virgins” more than the Brady Boys? Ladies, let’s say Greg Brady walked up to you and said, “Hey, groovy, lady! I think you’re foxy. Why don’t you come up to my room with me? I’ll tell my two brothers to get lost, and we can even turn the painting of the sad clown around if you want.” If that happened, you wouldn’t just say no to him, you’d say no with mace.

The only way the Brady boys could get crabs is if they spent an inordinate amount of time trying on Jan’s panties, which, now that I think about it, is pretty likely and probably why some of you voted for them. So, well done.

"Cindy! Watch how many class rings fall out of me!"

"Cindy! Watch how many class rings fall out of me!"

Let’s see… innocent kids playing tee-ball, Courtney Love, and a football team arm-blasting Jan Brady. I’d say my work here is done. Have a great week, everyone. See the dandelions.

23 Responses to “The Week In Review”

  1. Lorca Damon says:

    How come every time I comment here I feel like I should use an alias? You just destroyed a childhood memory in which I come home from school, scarf the cookies and milk Mom left on the counter for me, and watched The Brady Bunch. That theme song is now going to make my tonsils itch for all time.

  2. I felt the same way as you when I watched my nephew play pee-wee soccer. When *I* was his age (uh oh, here it comes) I remember being more competitive and less ADD!

    • Greg says:

      I don’t think I was a space case when I played in Little League, but I remember my teammates doing shit like that ALL the time. Still, we had to walk 2 miles, uphill, to get to the game, so we had an excuse.

  3. LA Juice says:

    You forgot one thing that happens while sitting out in right field as a 5 year old tee ball protege:

    Occasionally you are sitting there minding the dandelions when you pee yourself and then refuse to come back in as the inning ends, disrupting the whole ball game until your dad comes out to get you and has to carry you back to the car and take you home.

    Don’t ask me how I know this.

  4. Vesta Vayne says:

    Aw, dandelions – too cute!

    But then you called Jan Brady a cum-dumpster.

    Wait, what am I supposed to take away from this post?

  5. Rusty says:

    I hope I see many dandelions this week.

    And boobs.

    You would say no to Greg Brady with mace, and I laughed hard at the thought. I just might be his type after all,

    I think I will stick to the boobs though

  6. Pish Posh says:

    Oh I see the dandelions. Sons of bitches. They’re the closest thing I have to a garden. I miss my garden and have to settle for weeds – I think that speaks volumes about how I feel about this place. Volumes F through U.

    I can’t wait until adorable little Kyle, sweet boy, grows up and see his dad has created a touching story about his first tee-ball game that works its way through naked women and ends up with Peter Brady trying on poor unloved Jan’s crab-infested chonies.

    • Greg says:

      Incidentally, Kyle is not my son, so he will grow up to find a perfect stranger has tied his childhood to crabby panties, which is much more deranged.

  7. Pish Posh says:

    Damn nabbit! I wrote you a comment. Must have gotten deleted. Unless you’re finally wising up and censoring me.

    Something about how I think Kyle is precious and I hope someday he enjoys the devolution of his father reminiscing about his first tee-ball game and ending up with Peter Brady wearing his sister’s STD panties. Make Poppa Proud, Kyle.

    • Greg says:

      Spam filter. Your language is so foul and corrupt that even on this site it gets flagged. Congratulations! You should feel proud of yourself.

  8. What are those yellow things distracting me from the topless chick?

  9. brennan says:

    That topless chick has sort of an Asia Argento smouldering Eastern European thing going on.

    I never thought of the Brady boys as being “Lifelong Virgins”. I presumed at least a couple of them would end up as rent boys or working the docks in SF.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, that’s a good point on the Brady boys. Let’s say that they’d be virgins excepting all involuntary servitude.

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