The Tax Man Cometh


Well, it’s that time of year again: The time when I make up children, donate non-existent funds to fictional charities, and declare myself a blind, Nicaraguan orphan. This is done for “tax purposes”, which is another way of saying that I plan to defraud the IRS out of at least $72,000.

For the benefit of those of you who happen to be auditors for the I.R.S., I’m engaging in something us earthlings like to refer to as “humor”. I know it’s a foreign concept, but trust me when I say that my return will be 100% accurate. I always tell the truth on my taxes because our government is funded by tax revenue, and I feel a patriotic duty to not get ass raped in a federal penitentiary. I have a feeling that tax evaders suffer quite a bit in prison. When a mass murderer who has been lifting weights for fifteen years asks you what you did to deserve a stay in Leavenworth, it’s hard to garner respect and fear when your answer is “I didn’t fill out my taxes honestly.”

So I always pay my taxes, even if I have a problem with how they’re spent. If you’ve watched the news at all over the last thirty years, you’d know that 95% of your tax dollars are spent on investigations of a sexual nature. At any given time, half of the Congressmen and Senators are trying to determine who or what the rest of the Congressmen and Senators are fucking. And those investigations are expensive. You need to gather all the participants, grill them on their sexual past, have a cigarette afterwards, replace the hand lotion, etc. You’d get much the same results if you just gave the money to a bunch of eighth graders, with the sole exception being that the eighth graders would be more mature about it.

WAY more mature.

WAY more mature.

I’d much rather the United States government spend my money on other, more worthwhile things:

  • Make everyone really fear the United States by acting very, very irrationally. In two words: Invade Canada. The US would gain better beer, better hockey players, and everyone’s always talking about how wonderful the “free” Canadian health care system is, so we can take that too. And much like you leave the hulking psychotic on the street alone out of fear for your personal safety, no one would fuck with the US if we acted that stupidly. (This is known as the Dubya Doctrine.)
  • Mandatory hygiene classes for all US residents. I live not too far away from the site of the yearly Renaissance Festival, and I can tell you one thing about the medieval “actors”: The only thing authentic about them is their total lack of basic hygiene. Even the “comely lasses” are guilty of this. I don’t think you qualify as “comely”, actually, when your B.O. has killed my dog from 30 yards away.
  • Reality TV is popular. So is the movie The Hunger Games. I say we combine them both. Anyone who participates in a reality TV series of any sort will go head to head in a remote area of Nevada desert. We can install high-definition cameras everywhere, and beam footage of the contestants straight into our homes where we will sit and enjoy the spectacle as we drop a 50 megaton nuclear weapon right on their fucking heads. Survive that, assholes. You have been voted out of existence.

    "A note for our viewers: Normally, a nuclear blast would be brilliant white. The orange-colored explosion you are seeing can be attributed to the presence of the cast of Jersey Shore."

    "A note for our viewers: Normally, a nuclear blast would be brilliant white. The orange-colored explosion you are seeing can be attributed to the presence of the cast of Jersey Shore."

  • A new class of traffic ticket called Class M will be created to punish drivers who drive like morons. When you get a Class M ticket, you lose your license until you retake and pass the driver’s license exam. Class M violations will include driving slowly in the left hand lane, leaving a turn signal on for more than 10 miles, and not turning right on red because you’re too much of a fucking ignoramus to know that this has been a law for over thirty years. If you get three Class M tickets over the course of your lifetime, you lose your license permanently and have to get a large, scarlet M tattooed on your forehead.
  • Golfers or any other people who wear slacks bright enough to blind bees will be hereby confined to Florida.
  • A large grant shall be made to the robotics industry for the development of personal robots to prepare and serve Gin & Tonics. These robots shall be assigned a butler-like name (Jeeves, for instance) and be prepared to withstand caustic verbal abuse with dry wit and grace. Also, they will be programmed to take the rap for any murders committed under the influence of alcohol.
  • Science will get a large grant to come up with time travel and teleporters in the next twenty years. If science hasn’t invented those things by then, well then fuck you science, you are no good to us.
  • Along a similar vein, all religions must produce concrete proof of their supreme being or lose their tax-exempt status. The Almighty is hereby instructed to show up at Internal Revenue Service headquarters, room 324 with the appropriate form (Form 1077-a, Certificate Attesting Supernatural Abilities) and be prepared to prove their claim by converting loaves to fishes, water to wine, or television news anchors to intelligent people.

    Man, I HATE filling out these forms! I mean, I guess I am technically a dependent but... Wait a minute... Is dad a not-for profit deity? AAAUUUGGGHHH!

    Man, I HATE filling out these forms! I mean, I guess I am technically a dependent but... Wait a minute... Is dad a not-for profit deity? AAAUUUGGGHHH!

  • Change the tax code so that it can be comprehended by human beings with an IQ less than seven trillion. Seriously, I just got done with my taxes, and at no point did I ever say, “Well, that makes sense!” This is because the tax code is written by tax lawyers who will be unemployed if you can understand the tax code. So much better for them to link your tax bracket to your shoe size, the price of lima bean futures, and a number that I.R.S. Special Agent Vinny is thinking of.

I’m not asking for a lot, really. The Feds can even get on the payment plan with me, giving me these things one at a time. But they’ll have to start by invading Canada as a show of good will, and I will be keeping an eye on them even if I am a blind Nicaraguan orphan.

31 Responses to “The Tax Man Cometh”

  1. Vesta Vayne says:

    Yes please. I’m also tired of paying for the Secret Service’s hooker fund.

    They need to burn the tax code. All of it. No one even knows what’s in the thing – they add a bazillion new rules each year, but nothing ever gets taken out, it just gets bigger and bigger. Morons.

    • Greg says:

      Agreed. The flat tax is idiotic because it raises taxes for the poor and middle class, and lowers them for the rich. That’s why a consumption tax is the way to go. Just add sales tax to everything, and let everyone keep all of their paycheck. Simple. More money to take home, more money to save, and the tax bite is spread out so goods and services don’t get too pricey. Even the Secret Service will be able to afford to pay for hookers on their own dime.

      • Not a tumor says:

        A consumption tax has the same problems as a flat tax. If there’s a tax on toilet paper, it will hurt the poor more because, with few exceptions, everyone wipes their ass. This is known as a regressive tax and is why our nation’s income tax is graduated. If there’s one big problem it’s that the wealthiest have too many ways to sneak out of paying their share.

  2. Pish Posh says:

    I was just watching Jake Johannsen on taxes..

    Why can’t the government just figure them out for you? I have to do my job AND a big ass math problem and if I get it wrong I go to prison? Why can’t they just send you the number? How much more information do they need? They’re already getting your paycheck before you do, taking the money out, and sending it back to you. Then they say “was that enough, or you wanna pay a little more?” I mean, they get your paycheck early, listen to my phone calls, they read your email, what are my fucking taxes?!

    I’m a pretty smart woman. I own no property, have no taxable interest, am not married, have no children, one state job, lived in the same place. I’m not terrible at math. Yet as always I couldn’t figure it out goddammit. And I’m not paying someone hundreds of dollars just to figure shit out for me – not while I’m single, childless, homeless, and make hardly any money. What are my fucking taxes? Just tell me!!

    Also you made two literary allusions today, so that’s a good way to start out a morning.

    And goddammit where do we sign up to fire all the politicians and start over? Sons of bitches I am so sick of the sexual affairs investigations and wastes of faulking time and money. I think politicians should be castrated upon entering office. We’d have a lot more diplomacy, a lot less affair scandals, and probably a lot more money spent on education, health care, and the environment. And probably a lot more women running for office.

    And you know I feel you on the religious thing. I didn’t know raping little boys was a tax-exempt condition.

    • Greg says:

      Consumption tax, see above.

      The tax-exempt status for religious groups has to be reviewed. I understand that you don’t want the government to have a way to squash one religion in favor of another, but there has got to be a way for the feds to fairly tax this very, very profitable enterprise.

      My parents got married in the Notre Dame Basilica in Montreal, and back in the early nineties we dropped by there to do a little bit of tourist-y gawking. My mom was dropping money in collection boxes left and right when I told her, “Mom, the ceiling is gold. They need more money like you need a hole in the head.” Seriously, check this place out. Does this look like they couldn’t afford to pay some taxes (and yes, I know it’s in another country, I’m talking about the Catholic Church in general).

      • Pish Posh says:

        well I have a doctoral shmagree from Notre Dame in IN, and you should see that basillica.

        guess who is the second wealthiest catholic organization, second only to THE VATICAN?

        That’s right folks, Ye Olde *University of Notre Dame*.

        Because, the Vatican and Notre Dame really seem to get Matthew 19:24 “it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.”” DOH!

      • Yeah, but all that brocade is dry-clean only, and you know, bullet-proof spinners for the pope-mobile–they’re really expensive, man.

        • Greg says:

          Hahaha, that’s funny. Now here’s something jaw dropping: $635,891,004 That’s the listed value of the assets of just the Boston archdiocese. If Benny needs some spinners, I’m sure his Southie pals with funny hats can help him out.

  3. Brett Minor says:

    I want to claim my dust bunnies as dependents.

  4. Rusty says:


    I should do them one day…

    But more money to science. It took me more than 30 mins to get to work this morning. I live less than 6ks away, and I got here at 7:30am

    Give me a teleporter already. Fuck

  5. Reanna says:

    Hunger Games reality show… with politicians and tax lawyers. I would actually buy a TV to watch that.

    You don’t need to invade Canada. I’d happily send you decent beer just so I’m not disgusted every time I cross the border and taste your version. I’ll even share my Clamato juice with you too. 🙂

  6. Heather says:

    Are taxes that place where you write your money numbers?

  7. Vonny says:

    Congratulations, the Dubya Doctrine wins the award for Best Title for Acts of Pure Stupidity.

    A tacky plastic polyester-clad statuette is on the way.

  8. Rob R says:

    Tax time is the one time of year where I almost seriously try to convince my wife that we should have more kids. That’s probably more for the copious amounts of sex that would be required, and having 7 more kids running around would probably send me to an aslyum, but at least Id have so many tax deductions, that I could afford to go.

  9. CassieCros13 says:

    Great article, I loved the ideas you put in about our government spending our money. Esp invading Canada. 😀 I know of some real nasty people that live near me too, so the hygiene one would definitely be a plus in all cases. I’ll enjoy being a kid while it lasts, when taxes and IRS still seem like foreign terms to me. 🙂

    Oh, to see the people that annoy us to the point of death in The Hunger Games! The contestants could include our Congressmen, (Your spot on about them spending our tax money like 8th graders.) and I say we throw in the cast of Glee and Jersey Shore in there too. 😀

    The government better get on some sort of time machine/transporter for the future, I want to grab a bunch of money now and go back to around the 50’s and 60’s, where you could have a full on party with $20. They had jukeboxes in the restaurants, the best food without all that artificial crap they put in now just to save a buck. The cars and the hairstyles back then were just awesome. The big, real hard cover records and albums being played on gigantic record players. And of course, the mass media. The excitement. Some of the best movies and music ever being made and transmitted on televisions and radios everywhere. And The British Invasion. Just imagine going to live Beatles, Elvis, Stones, The Who, Led Zeppelin, etc concerts. I would pass out or start hyperventilating before sneaking to the front rows to see my idols in person. 🙂 <3

    • Greg says:

      I’d add the Doors to that list. The concert might only last five minutes, and four of those minutes would be devoted to Jim Morrison digging around in his pants and shouting profanities at the audience, but my life wouldn’t be complete without seeing the Doors.

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