The Week In Review
I am back. For those of you who follow this blog regularly, you already know that last week I was laid low by a wicked case of Ebola Zaire. Or maybe it was a sore throat, I forget which. The good news is that once again I was able to drink my illness into oblivion. Have you ever done that? You’ve felt like crap for a few days in a row and then you say, “Fuck it, I’m tired of feeling like shit” and desperate to feel good for a few hours you down 15 beers and chase it with a few shots of tequila, and possibly huff some oven cleaner? That’s what I did. I started slamming beers and, lo and behold, I woke up on Saturday feeling pretty good! And so I repeated the process on Saturday night with similar results.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if this always worked? I know the good folks over at Heineken would love for there to be such a thing as beer-based health care. But instead, you get the federal government telling you things like “Alcohol kills brain cells”. Ok, sure, that may be true. But it only kills the weak ones, right? The strong brain cells survive, and so a bout of blackout drinking therefore leaves you smarter than you were before! That, my friends, is science in action, and we are all better off for it.
Another thing we are all better of for is the penchant for Asian countries to come up with consumer products so comically insane that other species have now begin laughing at us (this is why I no longer brake for cats). Reanna, a long time reader and fellow blogger (who, if left to her own devices would write solely about flaccid dongs and hairy buttholes) brought the following to my attention: The Face-Kini.
Are you concerned about the effect of the sun’s rays on your face? Are you a gimp fetishist? Do you want to gain sympathy by looking like a burn victim? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the Face-Kini is for you! Act now, and we will further demean you by sending you Arm Floaties! What better way to tell the world that not only do you lack taste and common sense, but if someone (rightfully) threw you in a river, you’d sink like a rock! The Face-Kini! Act now!
Usually, this is the kind of wacky shit you’d see coming out of Japan, not China, but Japan has been busy lately with other inventions such as toe umbrellas, lipstick stencils, and ways to grow rice with your tits.
Ok, on to the shit that you missed while you were… Holy shit, it’s been how long since I did the Week in Review? Five weeks? That can’t be right. Wow. I may have to rethink Glue Sniffing Sunday as it seems to have had an impact on my output as well as my spelging an connom cents. dlakfjldfkjlksdfj dflkjvadlkjf sdflkja sdfeiuhfq eufv……..
Huh? What? Ok, let’s make this fucking quick. Here’s what I’ve done the last five weeks:
- BabyMetal is back!
- So is Robotic God Jesus!
- Extreme Yoga! (D’oh! The flood of traffic from my site got the video pulled on copyright violation grounds. Fuckers. I just fixed it.)
- How much, baby?
- Pac-Man has a thing for boning his sister.
- Macauley Culkin: Junkie Opossum.
- Sadly, I still do not look (or play guitar like) Jimmy Page.
- Han Solo can fucking blow me. And from the looks of it, he would, too.
- My son, the Rube Goldberg of cat tormenters.
- How to bring France to its knees with four swords.
- Hot dogs, and why you should never eat them.
- Who doesn’t like Stoned Judo?
- More evidence that I am lazy and depraved.
- Woe be to the foolish person who sends me an email.
- My anus is bleeding!
- Vicodin, and how it turns writing into a race against incoherent babbling.
- As Schnuggs would say, Gays on coke!
Whew, I guess that even if I blew off the Week in Review, I still managed to put a couple of words down. I’m gonna go sniff some more glue now.
Voting is now closed on our Poll of the Moment, and we are projecting a “winner”:
I am happy to say that this site attracts enough perverts and deviants that everyone got at least one vote. Sure, it’s easy to think that Smurfette is the most crab-ridden slut on the list, simply because, blue or not, she’s got the only “coin-purse” in Smurfland. But you’ve got to be all kinds of twisted to see Betty Rubble for the filthy whore that she is. * Sniff * I am so proud of you guys!
One last thing before I go. If you feel a need to get really, really all kinds of pissed off at a bunch of fucking scumbags, go read Escape from Camp 14, the amazing story of a man who was born and raised in a North Korean political prisoner camp and managed to escape (he lives in Seattle today). I didn’t even get past the foreword before I wanted to fly to Pyongyang and punch Kim Jong Un right in the fucking gunt. Fuck the ass-spelunkers running the show in North Korea sideways with a scud missile.
But I feel kind of bad reading the book because all throughout it they keep discussing the horrible famine in North Korea, how people eat food crumbs from the fucking floor, etc., and I keep finding myself reading all of this while I’m eating. It makes me feel like such a bastard. “Oh my God, that is (mmmf) fucking terrible! What kind of (oh my God, that’s good) monsters are running that country? I am so mad (mmmm) that I could just (mmmf) scream!”
Ok, I’m feeling good and ready to rock. Let’s do this fucking thing. Enjoy the week, people.