Here We Go Again

Raoul, my IT monkey

Just the other day I was thinking to myself, “I haven’t gotten any unsolicited emails from random strangers lately. I wonder if I’ve scared them all away?” And then Justin Taylor came to the rescue, letting me know that not only was my web site not fulfilling its potential, but that my competitors are gaining as a result, and will soon be squabbling over who gets to strip the last quivering piece of flesh from my pathetic, non-SEO-using bones.

From: Justin Taylor
Subject: Gain Organic Traffic
Date: February 4, 2013 6:23 PM

Hi Team,

I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting enough organic & social media traffic on your website.

I would like to update you that your website is still not ranked on the top pages of Google SERPs for your popular keywords (Products). Your loss is your competitor’s gain i.e. the traffic which could have generated quality sales for you goes to your competitors as they rank well in the Search Engine Result Pages (SERPs) organically.


1. HTML and other on-page errors are present on your website.
2. Low number of internal and external quality links present on your website.
3. Duplicate or low quality contents present in your website without any regular update.
4. Need to update fresh contents on your website and blogs as per the latest Google guideline.
5. Broken Links and Poison words might be present in your website.
6. Social media profile needs to be updated regularly.

Long gone are the days when Google used to give priority to websites of keyword based domains or websites with huge number of links. Now Google counts each and every detail to verify if your website is relevant to the keywords you are promoting for. A single un-wanted link or a duplicate content can lead your website to be penalized by Google.

[A whole bunch of rah-rah, SEO Company corporate-speak bullshit here. Seriously, this guy rambles as much as I do.]

P.S. This is out marketing strategy that we use the Gmail account. Once you reply us back, the next communication I will do is from my corporate email ID.

Let me know your thoughts and looking forward to work together.

Best Regards,

Justin Taylor|Senior SEO Advisor

I’m glad Justin took the time to let me know he’s a Senior SEO Advisor. I’m ever so weary of wasting my time with SEO Advisors at the peon level. I keep shaking them by the lapels, shouting, “Advise me on my SEO practices, already! Jesus! Why can’t you just advise me?” Then I come to and realize that I’m at a Boy Scout meeting, and I’ve violated that restraining order again.


From: Greg
Subject: Eat Organic Vegetables
Date: February 5, 2013 8:07 PM
To: Justin Taylor

Hi Justin Taylor’s Team!

Great timing on this email! I was just fretting over my low ranking Google search results. You see, I run a double-amputee Bolivian goat-fisting fetish site, and no matter what I do, I can’t get enough traffic to my site. This, as you can imagine, is not only frustrating, but threatens my entire business model as those goats don’t come cheap. In any event, I’ve identified the search terms that I believe I need to optimize my site for in order to get the traffic I want:

  • Kenny Loggins
  • How to Cook Puppies
  • Dora the Explorer

Any advice your organization would be able to give me would be greatly appreciated, if not paid for.

As for “HTML and other on-page errors on my site”, I will have to have a few choice words with Raoul, my IT monkey. He’s a Rhesus monkey and I had originally hired him on as part of my Infinite Monkeys & Typewriters experiment, but alas, he was unable to reproduce Shakespeare’s works. I had to settle for the first act of West Side Story, and it’ll be a cold day in hell when I allow a goddamn Rhesus monkey to inform my policy on inter-racial knife fights again. The last time ended in fucking disaster.

So I made him my IT monkey instead, but now apparently I’ve got “HTML and other on-page errors” to deal with as a result, and I think it’s time that I gave some serious thought to just eating the bastard. This, of course, will make Rhonda (his monkey-with-benefits) lonely, but if she’s smart she’ll take a very important lesson from it: When you work for me, you fail to close out your HTML tags at your motherfucking peril.

So what’s next?

Kennel Master,
Dogs on Drugs