I think that it is fair to say that the first words that run through a person’s head when they initially encounter this blog are “high fashion”. Oh, sure, I may sometimes wear white after Labor Day, and yes, sometimes I mix plaids with polka dots, and I have also been known on occasion to show up for a funeral in beach attire (although I should note that I take great care in selecting a tasteful, black Speedo). But high fashion is not about following the rules. It is about making the rules, often after having consumed 38 beers with mescal on the side. And no one is better at it than I.
But don’t take my word for it. Ask my potential sponsor:
From: Vanessa (email redacted)
Subject: Sponsored Blog Post on your site
Date: April 23rd, 3:56 AM
To: Greg (email@example.com)
I came across your site, Dogs on Drugs, while searching Google for blogs talking about mens’s fashion and related keywords and was wondering if you’d be open to doing a sponsored blog post.
We have a site that sells luxury men’s underwear are looking for more exposure online.
Our budget for this is initially $20 for the post and we would give you the blog post (underwear/men’s fashion related & already written) as well as a picture to post. All you would have to do is post it.
The post will look something like this (of course not about photography though): (link redacted)
We’re really just testing out different bloggers, and if you bring some good traffic, we’re totally open to doing an annual banner ad!
Also if you have some other blogs, please send them over and I’ll take a look and we might be open to doing a post on those as well!
Let me know if you’d be open to this!
See? The good folks in the luxury men’s underwear industry know that when the chips are down, only I can save them.
From: Greg (firstname.lastname@example.org)
Subject: It Puts The Lotion In The Basket
Date: April 23rd, 7:27 PM
To: Vanessa (email redacted)
You were wise to come to me. If there is one thing that my readers are looking for, it is luxury men’s underwear. They’re practically screaming for it, which is why I don’t take them out in public anymore. I think that it is fair to say that with my help, your company will be catapulted into the stratosphere alongside such industry giants as Apple, Exxon, and that one company that makes cherry-flavored lube.
But before we proceed, I need to know how committed you are. Please submit a 4,000 word short story with the title “Bromance of the Turtles”. It must take place in Elizabethan times, center around the adventures of Mulligan Pete and the Astro-Pope, and has to be so damn good that it gives me a full-on chubby.
Haha, just kidding! If you actually submitted a short story to me with the title “Bromance of the Turtles”, I would report you and have your internet access revoked because that is the stupidest title I’ve ever heard of. It sounds like the title of a Sting album. (Hey, did you know that Sting engages in Tantric sex, often performing for hours at a time? I bet his wife’s vag looks like a phone book that someone left out in the rain.)
Seriously, though, you’ll be glad that you contacted me. I have extensive experience with undergarments. I once sold a gold-plated chastity belt for men called Fort Cox. The clever referencing of Fort Knox ensured name recognition. Superior technology ensured that this chastity belt worked as advertised. Unfortunately, I discovered that, much to my surprise, people wanted to be able to take the chastity belt off. I still don’t get that. You want to lock up your junk in a way that it cannot be accessed, but you also want to be able to take the thing off at a moment’s notice? Make up your goddamn mind!
Anyway, after many lawsuits and more than a couple of unfortunate accidents with metal-grinders, I was forced to flee the country. I was finally brought to justice in the tiny Mexican town of Guadalupe de Lupe y Burro. Without getting into the whole thing, let’s just say that I really could have used the chastity belt where they sent me. … I don’t want to talk about it.
But I’ve got some other wonderful ideas for you. For instance, what about a pair of underwear that has a functioning birdhouse built into them? Or a pair of underwear that calls out the barometric pressure in Portuguese every 45 seconds? A pair of biodegradable underwear made from cod? No less a person than Gary Busey wears these underwear! (Well, I guess I don’t know that for a fact. I just naturally assumed that he did.)
This is what my court-ordered psychiatrist refers to as “Diseased Thinking”, by which I assume he means that it’s fucking awesome. So let’s skip right over the $20 post/banner ad bullshit, shall we? You’ll want to send me a check with a lot of zeros to the left of the decimal point. As a sign of good faith on my end, I will immediately start writing a post about your exciting new product: Sexual Predator Underwear. They come pre-soaked in chloroform! I will, of course, link directly to your site. Any questions, I will forward to you.
Dogs on Drugs