Serious Fucking Business
As my long time readers are no doubt aware, Dogs On Drugs has long been a trusted authority in the world of international finance and business. I’ve got business acumen like a motherfucking wildman, yo. South of the border, I am known as Señor Acumen. Peasants doff their sombreros when I pass, and slay their burros in sorrow when I leave. So it should come as no surprise to you that I have been named to the 2013 Worldwide Registry of Business Professionals. That’s right, read it and weep, people. I am now fucking unstoppable. You may call me Señor Unstoppable Juggernaut Acumen, and you’d better have a fucking burro handy.
From: Michael Middleton
Subject: Invitation – Please Complete Your Profile
Date: May 17th, 2013 5:46 PM
To: Greg (greg@dogsondrugs.com)Hello,
You were recently chosen to represent your professional community, deeming you eligible for the inclusion in the new 2013 Edition of Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals.
We are pleased to inform you that your candidacy was formally approved on February 1st, 2013. Congratulations!
Click here (link redacted) to verify your profile and accept the candidacy
The Publishing Committee selected you as a professional based not only upon your current standing, but focusing as well on criteria from executive and professional directories, associations, and trade journals. Given your background, the Director believes your profile makes a fitting addition to our publication.
As we are working off of secondary sources, we must receive verification from you that your profile is accurate. After receiving verification, we will validate your registry listing within seven business days.
Once finalized, your listing will share prominent registry space with thousands of fellow accomplished individuals across the globe, each representing accomplishment within their own geographical area.
To verify your profile and accept the candidacy, please click here (link redacted).
Please kindly note that our registration deadline for this year’s publication is June 1st, 2013. To ensure you are included, we must receive your verification on or before this date.
On behalf of our Committee I salute your achievement and welcome you to our association.
Sincerely yours,
Michael F. Middleton
Vice-President, Publication Division
Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals
Yeah, that sounds legit.
From: Greg
Subject: Memo, Re: Michael Middleton and Wife Beating
Date: June 5th, 2013 8:41 PM
To: Michael MiddletonDear Michael,
Holy fucking shit, I am going to be in the 2013 Worldwide Registry for Business Professionals? Well, knock me over and fuck me sideways, it is about fucking time! If there are two words that people use to describe me, they are “business professional”. Some people might disagree with that, but they’re forgetting that “motherfucker” is one word, so it doesn’t count.
Anyway, I can’t fucking wait to be listed amongst other professionals like that one guy in the suit, or that other guy in the suit. Or that guy that likes to call a lot of meetings! I’m just fucking like them! As I’m sure you know, I am the CEO of a multi-national publishing concern that is, in reality, a front for smuggling the reefer. It is a difficult job, but I love it. I rule my empire like an iron fisted despot, slow to reason and quick to anger. You fail to include a cover sheet with your faxes at your motherfucking peril, that’s for goddamn sure. I pay this one guy, Raoul, to walk the building dressed as the Angel of Death. This, I’m told, is terrible for morale, which is exactly why I do it. Also, it makes layoffs fucking hilarious.
Hey, Michael, what do you say we get together for a Business Lunch? We could discuss synergy, theories on market-cap valuation, and strategies for converting stock options into sweet, sweet poon-tang.
Just let me know, and I’ll have my girl call your girl.
Greg
Kennel Master,
Dogs on Drugs
http://dogsondrugs.com
Oh my lord. How come you get thousands of fellow accomplished individuals and the rest of us get nothing?!
Anywho, we’re pleased that you brought him up to speed on your professional tactics and vocabulary, Señor unstoppable juggernaut acumen.
Thank you. Now slay me a burro.
God damn it. I was getting my financial information from some shady second hand source. Glad to know you Mr. Señor Unstoppable Juggernaut Acumen.
P.S. Can I slaughter you a burro in the future? It is fucking impossible to find one this side of the world. Would you settle for a monkey? I really would love to kill one of those viscious little fuckers.
Hmmm, I don’t know. Killing monkeys isn’t really in our mission statement. But I’ll tell you what: Put together a Powerpoint, and the board of directors will get really high and take a look at it.
haggadah, “the reefer”.
Reefer = Not funny
THE Reefer = Funny
I don’t know why that is, but there you have it.
I would take the chance to be in Michael’s Registry, since I have always tried to be Professional in my Work.
Your requirements are a bit over the top, however. There aren’t many burros around here. Could I smush a cockroach or tomato worm instead? I have appropriate Work Boots for smushing.
I’m afraid anything you kill will have to be a mammal. I must draw the line somewhere. I mean, come on… This is Business!
I wish somebody would deem me eligible.
I will forward the email to you so that you may complain. Please share the results.
On it like a bonnet.
Is it proper Business etiquette to reference Wife Beating in a subject line without covering the topic in the body of the email?
It is when this asshole Googles himself and finds the top result contains the words “Wife Beating”.
Hmmmm, this theory could have many useful applications…
“Peasants doff their sombreros when I pass, and slay their burros in sorrow when I leave.”
And that, my friend, is why I come back here week after week. Well, that and your astounding business acumen.
I am all about slaying the burros. Well, I was until those fucktards at PETA got involved. Now I’m all about slaying the soy-based burro substitute, but it really isn’t the same.