Hello, My Name is Foghat
My favorite rock band of all time is Led Zeppelin. I could go into the reasons why, but the last time I did that I got so wound up that I was arrested for playing air guitar in the nude in front of my house. While intoxicated. And removing the label from my mattress without the express written consent of Major League Baseball. Again.
Anyway, as I’m a huge, slavering Led Zeppelin fan, I get alerts sent to me whenever there is some related breaking news. Yes, they broke up 31 years ago, but you never know what the future holds. I may wake up tomorrow to find that it’s 1975! (This has happened before.) And so it was while reading through the “breaking news” that consists of old people like me going on and on about how awesome Led Zeppelin was that I ran across the guy that legally changed his name to Led Zeppelin II.
Yes, some guy from Missouri changed his name to Led Zeppelin II. That is awesome beyond belief and I hereby call on the powers that be to immediately appoint this man Emperor of the Known Universe, or at the very minimum Pope for a Day.
(Digression: The Catholic Church should totally have a contest where someone gets to be Pope for a day. Who wouldn’t relish the opportunity to speak with the authority of God? I know I would. The first thing I would do is pronounce in my best Dramatic Religious Guy voice, “God commands you all to KILL SNOOKI! Thou shalt pelt her with coconuts, toasters, dildos, and anything else that you findeth funny. He is the ALMIGHTY, DO NOT DISPLEASE HIM!!!”)
Anyway, I think that everyone should change their name to something rock-related. But (and this is crucial), there can be no duplicating names. So one person can be Led Zeppelin, another can be Led Zeppelin II, another person Physical Graffiti, etc. but no one may repeat a name. (And no retarded shit like calling yourself L3d Z3pp3l1n. Get literate or get fucked.) This eliminates confusion and guarantees that all the good names will be taken and we’ll all get to laugh at people with names like Garth Brooks In… The Life Of Chris Gaines.
(Another digression: Seriously, how much crack do you have to smoke before you decide that the thing your career needs is to pretend you’re another person and release an album, but put both of your names on the front along with a picture of you wearing an emo haircut and a douche-tastic soul patch? On those very rare occasions when someone brings this up, I have to pinch myself to make sure I’m not hallucinating and, yes, someone in the world is this incredibly stupid. And worse yet, someone listened to this idea and agreed with it. If I’m elected Pope for a day, this kind of shit would never happen.)
Ok, so, let’s start doling out the names. I call dibs on:
This name, (which is the “title” of Led Zeppelin’s fourth album, for those of you cretins who don’t already know) has the distinct advantage of making it impossible for bill collectors to get a hold of me:
Bill Collector: Hello, may I speak with… Umm… Zoso, circle thingies, feather… What the…?
Me: You must be one of those crazy people. (slams down phone).
Of course, that’s not very far off of how I currently deal with bill collectors. Ok, so let’s hear it: I want everyone to claim their new rock and roll name. Best one gets to be Pope for a day.
This is tough, because you have to change your name to a song or album name of a band you know you will like and respect for the rest of your days. I mean, if I were making this decision in 1982- then My name is “Xanadu ELO Morrissey”- and I am not sure it has staying power.
And knowing me I’d get bored, and want to change this with holidays and life events, My kid would be born and his birth certificate would read “mother; In Utero Kobain” but he would know me as “311 Guns are for pussies”.
And therein lies the rub. Wait too long and you risk becoming Rico Suave. Act too soon and you become Right Said Fred.
Hello. My name is Tool. I like roasted chicken and long walks on the beach.
Does that mean sometimes you get bored and start calling yourself A Perfect Circle? Because that would be awesome.
I could possibly refer to myself as A Perfect Circle but it would come across as “poser-ish” to all those who know me as a complete square. But so what! I’m a mommy and my favorite song is Stinkfist! Get over it, world!
This post was damn hilarious!
I used to an absolute Led Zeppelin FREAK in school, I used to listen to them 24/7. I have calmed down since then, but like you, they are my favourite rock band of all time.
Uuf, I was going to name myself Zoso/weird symbols…
But since you took it already, I am going to have to settle with being called The Rover.
Awesome, let the record reflect that Flippy Doodle = The Rover, but only if you’ve been to London and have seen seven wonders.
Far out! In honor of the 80s I wanna be John Cougar! I mean, what the hell, Mellencamp hasn’t used it in years… (I’ll just have to knock the dust off with this bandana…)
I’m not sure why, but we always used to call him John Cougar Menstrual Cramp.
Hahaha, I guess since you took Zoso I’ll just stick with this:
First name: Stairway
Middle name: To
Last Name: Heaven.
Im aware of the connotations of naming myself Queen. Don’t care. Besides, double barreled title? Fuck yeah i want to be pope queen!
Let the record reflect that Pete shall henceforth be known as Pope Queen. (And there was much rejoicing.)