It’s Pulitzer Time!
I have been the recipient of many awards in my life. I was voted most likely to get involved in an alcohol-fueled high speed chase involving the police when I was in high school, for example. I once came in 3rd in a pussy eating contest in Peru (those cats were delicious!), and I don’t think anyone involved will ever forget the time that I crashed the Special Olympics and kicked some major fucking ass in the boxing competition. They said that everybody got a trophy, but at the end of the day I was the only one who didn’t have to eat pudding through a straw, so you tell me who won.
But I may have outdone myself this time. In fact, I believe that I may very well be awarded the Pulitzer Prize for journalism for writing this post. (And if those fucking crybabies that judge the Pulitzers ever want to see their kids alive again, now they know what needs to be done.)
I’m speaking of course, of the brilliant journalism involved when I went to Youtube and found the following clip. I want to make sure that I’m absolutely crystal clear on this point: I found this clip. Me. And I wrote about it. So I should win the Pulitzer, and absolutely no credit should go to the real reporters who covered this story. You know why? Because fuck them, that’s why.
Anyway, here is the clip in its entirety, but if you have a short attention span, this is pretty much the money-shot:
“Two men are in jail, one cow is dead, and three cars are totaled. Now when we arrived, one of the men was actively having sex with the cow. […] We can’t show you the video, because the man was naked and covered in Jell-O”
Now I know what you’re thinking to yourself. You’re thinking, “Those Iowans, huh?” That’s what I thought too, until I made a huge sacrifice (the type of thing that Pulitzer prize winners do, I might add) and did some actual research and discovered that this news story was broken by WTNH News in Connecticut.
WTNH News would also like you to know that a substitute teacher was found masturbating in a hallway. So if you’ve been thinking of becoming a student, or worse yet, a cow in Connecticut, you might want to reconsider.
Wow. That is a strong case for the Pulitzer, “guy who found the clip from the news.” But I may compete with my resume of fart metaphors. I’m off to sodomize a moose while wearing a jester cap and acid wash jeans to solidify my prize.
Pfffft. Silly person. You don’t get a Pulitzer for sodomizing a moose. You get an Oscar.
“As soon as they seen us arrive”, Reid Fortin, when the caption shows his name as Reid Fontaine. You could win the Pulitzer just for knowing some grammar and spelling. How did this shit even make the news?
I know it’s not comparable to the loss others have suffered just recently, but…my dog died tonight. My dog died tonight. I’m still trying to get that into my head.
Ugh, Vonny, I’m sorry to hear that. My condolences. Losing a dog is always hard because not only are they your best friend, but somehow their death isn’t afforded that status by others.
(And yes, I caught the “seen” too, and I immediately mentally subtracted 40 points from his assumed IQ.)
That really sucks, Vonny.
Thank you, guys.
Am I meant to believe that the cow – after being raped by a jelloman – chose to commit vehicular suicide?
Which is a great example of a sentence I never suspected I’d need to construct.
If I was an English teacher, I’d make my students diagram that sentence.
Welcome to the club – I once won a Pulitzer for the book report I did on To Kill a Mockingbird in high school.
Cool! And I just won an Oscar for reading that comment. We are so goddamn good around these parts.