Talent: It Don’t Come Easy

Quite some time ago, I received an email from an admiring reader in the UK. At least, I think he’s an admiring reader. He didn’t include the standard, non-admirer terms that usually tip me off, such as “illliterate dumbfuck”, “escaped zoo chimp with a spellchecker”, and “tragic waste of the human spirit”. He also failed to threaten to report me to the “internet police”, and so I’m only able to draw the conclusion that he’s an admirer, or failing that, at least he doesn’t want to set my teeth on fire.

Anyway, this user wrote to weigh in on a comment I once made about Ringo Starr, alleged drummer for the Beatles:

…studies have shown that the Beatles would have been no different if they had replaced Ringo Starr with a ham sandwich.

Now I have stringent fact-checking criteria that I adhere to before I post anything on this web site, and if a fact is even remotely true, I remove it from my post. But the general consensus does seem to be that Ringo Starr ranks below a mollusk, but just ahead of a doorstop in terms of drumming ability, and my UK admirer wrote in to let me know that he not only agreed with me on this front, but that he had other, more shocking news to deliver: Ringo Starr also blows goats when it comes to art:

When I first saw this piece of… whatever the fuck this is, my first thought was, “Well, he is Ringo Starr. And I bet he has some serious, top-shelf drugs. Why else would he draw a self portrait and then put vaginas over his eyeballs?” But as I entered his site, I realized that the contents could not be explained away by powerful, mind-altering drugs, although to be fair to Ringo, quotes like the following certainly make it seem as if he has been mainlining drain cleaner:

In its way “Pop” art is always changing – like “Pop” artists. It’s a natural move of things like pop music and even Popeye the sailor man.

If my dog looked up at me one day and began to speak and he said those words, I’d have him gassed on general principle alone, because that is the most profoundly retarded thing I’ve ever read. We are all stupider for having read it.

As you begin to flip through his site (all his art-work seems to have been drawn with the help of MS-Paint and a severe concussion), the realization hits you that Ringo Starr may have had entire lobes of his brain removed and replaced with Brillo pads. I mean, really:

The title of this… thing is “Bad Finger”, although a more accurate title would have been, “Why, God, Why?”

Remember how there was a rumor back in the 60’s that Paul had died, and that he had been replaced by a double in order to keep the Beatles intact? I think Ringo may have died as well, only he was replaced by a Wildebeest with Downs.

Still, live and let live, right? Or in this case, live and let suck ass. I don’t begrudge Ringo any success he might have, even if it does come from selling MS Paint scribbles to blind children. As long as he doesn’t go on an endless tour with a bunch of washed up, over the hill musicians like Rick Derringer and… Oh, god damn it!

Remember the guy who was keen on Jesus from a couple of days ago who proceeded to absolutely butcher Stairway to Heaven? If you showed him this video, he would cringe. “Good God, that is embarrassing!”

What’s even scarier is that if Ringo has any level of success with this shit, it might encourage him to branch out further:

You won’t come easy. You know you won’t come easy.

So maybe we should encourage ol’ Vagina-Eyes to just stick with the art or lurching around on stage. I mean, it doesn’t seem like it, but there are worse things in life than this: