The Dogs On Drugs Business Empire

And as you can clearly see from this chart, I hate you all with a passion unrivaled in the history of mankind.

If there is a single word that springs to mind when one looks at this website, that word is “professional”. I’m led to this conclusion by the steady stream of emails I receive from people who would like to help my business meet its potential. Before I read these emails, I was under the impression that Dogs on Drugs was nothing more than a large collection of dick jokes and semi-slanderous statements about Angela Lansbury (who has a penis, by the way). But as it turns out, I was wrong. It is actually a business venture that has the potential to produce large amounts of revenue, although to be truthful, I’m still unclear how one goes from slandering Angela Lansbury (serial killer) to rolling in dough. Blackmail, perhaps?

My entrepreneurial ignorance notwithstanding, it is clear that Dogs on Drugs is set to become a Financial Juggernaut, much like Apple, General Electric, and that one company that makes boner pills. You would all be wise to invest in Dogs on Drugs, by which I mean, of course, that you should buy some stock. Yes, I have stock to sell! I’m just starting out and naturally there are some financial nuances that I don’t quite understand, but I figure selling stock is much like selling pot, so I sell a lot of it at the local elementary school.

Hahaha, I’m just kidding! You should never sell pot to elementary school students. They have shit for disposable income. You’re much better off selling pot at assisted living facilities where you can trade the pot straight up for prescription medication, which has a much higher resale value on the street.

But while I may have a lot of knowledge when it comes to bilking seniors out of life-extending medication, I’m new to the World of International Finance, which is where my good pal Joshua Clark comes in:

From: Joshua Clark
Subject: Organic SEO: DogsOnDrugs
Date: March 26, 2014 2:46 AM
To: Greg

Hi Dogsondrugs Team,

Hope you are keeping well.

I would like to take this opportunity to talk about the various positive outcomes you can gather from the digital world. You might want to understand why exactly your website is unable to acquire the expected traffic and business. Well, this would be an excellent chance to showcase what we can offer to boost your online presence.

Even after using popular keywords your website might not have top search engine rankings. This implies invariable loopholes in the SEO application that is hindering the traffic flow to your website

There are several aspects that will enhance your online presence.

  • Thorough analysis of the website that would prevent technical errors and allow search engine crawlers to recognize and index your website right away.
  • A well searched and analyzed keyword palette for maximum optimization.
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  • Regular updates of information and posts on various social media networks for brand promotion and awareness.
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Apart from therefore mentioned activities, we offer other additional improvements for your website. You must pay heed to the Reputation management services and social media operations that can do wonders for your online presence.

We would like to point out here that this is a onetime email that is shared with you for your perusal. If you require any sort of website assistance or if you have any query about our services then kindly contact us back.

Should you be interested, get in touch with us on the mentioned email address or contact number.

Best Regards,

Joshua Clark
Digital Marketing Consultant

I’d like a job as a digital marketing consultant. How hard can it be? “Tweet more. Use Facebook. Cut down on dick pics sent from your corporate email account.” See? I’m a natural. Too bad I’m too busy running my own company, or I’d become a digital marketing consultant faster than you could say “leverage synergy using social media”!

From: Greg
Subject: The Pros and Cons of Speed-Felching
Date: April 8th, 2014 8:47 PM
To: Joshua Clark

Hi Josh,

(You don’t mind if I call you Josh, do you? I feel as if we’ve forged a friendship over the course of our many (one) email exchanges, and I’d like to think that we can build a successful business using that friendship as the foundation. And also I’d like to know if you could hold a package for me for a few weeks while I get these DEA assholes out of my hair. Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal like five kilos of pure, uncut Peruvian cocaine or anything. It’s… Uhhh… Well let’s just say that it’s five kilos of beaver pelts. In fact, I’ll stamp that on the outside of the package: “Contents of package: Five kilos of beaver pelts, and certainly not a lot of cocaine or anything illegal like that.” That should do the trick. Where would you like me to mail the package?)

Thank you for your recent inquiry regarding the Dogs on Drugs team. I’ve decided to respond on behalf of the team as they are currently engaged in a company-wide team building exercise that we like to call Huffing Ether Tuesdays. The sense of camaraderie that this exercise engenders is palpable. Or illegal. I forget which. Ether will do that to you. Anyway, the point is, there are an awful lot of unconscious people in the lobby and the police are starting to ask questions.

All of which makes it imperative that Dogs on Drugs hits its quarterly numbers, because if there’s one thing we can all agree upon, its that numbers must be hit, whatever the cost. Last quarter we hired this freaky looking albino dude to show up at the corporate office dressed as the number seven, and we beat him senseless with pool cues. Some people call that a felony, and who am I to argue? All I know is that at the end of the day, I was able to report to our (mostly imaginary) stockholders that we had hit our number, and that number had cried like a little bitch the entire time. Take that, you stupid fucking number!

But, and as a savvy and professional businessman such as yourself can surely attest, Josh, we cannot rest on our laurels. I say this around the office all the time. “Hey! Are you resting? On your laurels? I swear to God, people, if I catch someone resting on their laurels, I will whip that motherfucker in the goddamn eyes! I am fucking serious!” I find that periodic outbursts such as these do wonders for morale. My morale. Everyone else scurries away like some sort of sand-crab. When I enter a room, it’s usually nothing but slowly spinning office chairs, which is fine by me because I have nothing in common with these people. They don’t know the pressures that I am under. For instance, do you know how hard it is to hire a birthday clown that is willing to dress up as the number eight? It’s downright fucking impossible ever since Banjo the Clown started flapping his bloody and toothless gums. What an asshole.

Anyway, in regards to your inquiry, I would love to discuss how you can take my business to next level. Give me your home address, and I will show up one of these nights with a hypodermic full of scorpion venom and a head full of mescaline. That, in case you’re wondering, is called Being Innovative and it’s what keeps me on my toes when I’m not otherwise flat on my ass.

Look at me: Giving basic Business 101 tips to a shrewd captain of industry such as yourself. Forgive my proselytizing, Josh. It’s lonely at the top, and sometimes I forget that there is anyone else out there who has The Chops to deal with the brutish realities that come with being the CEO of a company in the multi-billion dollar beaver pelt industry. But you obviously have the Right Stuff, Josh, and I appreciate you reaching out to me. How about we hook up next week so we can talk/get your fingerprints on a murder weapon?


Kennel Master,
Dogs on Drugs