The Discovery Channel Must Be Stopped

My friends, we are fucked flatter than hammered shit. A single glance at the news today would make that obvious to anyone. No, I’m not referring to the fact that as of this writing there is now a reported case of ebola in New York City, although that certainly is frightening. And irritating as fuck too, if you think about it. This guy flew from West Africa to New York with fucking ebola. Each year, we pay the TSA upwards of $72 trillion dollars to keep us safe, and to date all they’ve managed to keep us safe from is common sense. “Durrr, what’s that? You have ebola? That’s fine. Just as long as you don’t take more than three ounces of water on board with you.”

No, I am referring to the following headline, which I found on the Discovery News website:

Giant Anteaters Can Kill People. Yes, you read that right: The Discovery Channel has just given giant anteaters permission to kill people. Those motherfucking savages. Look, I understand the pressures that the executives over at the Discovery Channel are under. It’s not easy providing the American television viewing public with upwards of 15 minutes of solid programming each day. And if the money stops rolling in, how are they going to maintain their trendy heroin habits? And that doesn’t even take into account how much money it is going to take to keep Consuela from going to the cops about… that thing. Those fucking Guatemalan housekeepers are the goddamn worst. One minute they’re all, “Si, señor!” and the next minute they’re all like, “¡Ayuda! Policía! El señor ha muerto a otro vagabundo!”

But that’s no reason to take your problems out on the rest of the human race, Discovery Channel! I mean, did you even do your homework on this? I don’t mean to brag, but I consider myself an expert on anteaters, inasmuch as I’ve seen ants before and have been known to eat now and again. Let me tell you something, those things don’t fuck around:

Giant anteaters are violent, bordering on psychopathic, and they sure as shit don’t need to be encouraged, as some people have learned the hard way:

When I talk about money, all you see is the struggle
When I tell you I’m livin’ large, you tell me it’s trouble
Giant anteaters are assholes and if they don’t like it, they can kiss my black ass

– Tupac

Besides, if you’re going to run around enabling animals, Discovery Channel, you don’t have to escalate things so quickly. Start small and work your way up:

Trust me, people would get the message.