Any surprise this guy includes the word “again” in that first sentence?

Like many parents, I anxiously await the beginning of the school year. Not so I can get the kids out of my hair (I have a job that does that already), but because a) It cuts down on the cost of day care; and b) I like to regale my children with tales of heartbreaking woe from my childhood.

“You think a little math homework is bad?  When I was your age, we had math homework assigned before recess that was due when we got back inside!  You ever try doing long division on a swing?  Or fractions while going down a slide?  THAT is homework my miniature friend!”

I’m just about to head off to Ikea (because I’m lame), and I hopped on the internet and ran across this.  Ikea Dick in a Box assembly instructions.  Hilarious.

I decided to go to Subway for lunch today, even though I ate there yesterday and the last time I ate at Subway regularly, I gained almost 30 pounds. Jared, you lie through your fat fucking teeth.  Anyway, my personal sandwich artist just got done putting the final touches on my sandwich when I noticed that my wallet did not contain my debit card.  We’ve all had this happen, haven’t we?  You realize your card is missing, and you mentally picture some crackheads using it to buy big screen TV’s, which they then pawn and use the resulting cash to buy crack and hookers with.  And the worst part is that it’s your money and you don’t get the TV, the crack, or the hookers.  Bullshit.

I was sitting at home the other day reading Rolling Stone, because when you have three kids you will engage in any activity that makes you even remotely cool or trendy. Unfortunately, reading a magazine ranks right below flagpole-sitting and barbershop quartets on the cool and trendy scale.  I’m sure my kids see me doing this kind of thing and think to themselves, “What’s next?  A handlebar mustache?”  (Note to self:  Yes!)