My daughter graduated from junior high school last week, which was kind of weird for me. Oh, and, my youngest son graduated pre-K as well, which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. My kids have graduated pre-K, kindergarten, elementary school, and junior high, with high school and college graduation ceremonies in their future. It’s overdone and it waters down the meaning of graduation when you do it over and over like that. “Congratulations! You graduated recess!” Big fucking deal. The ceremonies are cheesy, and hokey, and forced, and all the kids are just kind of standing around up there doing nothing, and wow, look how big they are! I remember when they were so small that I could hold them in the crook of one arm, and how they depended on me for even the most basic things, and… and… and… Excuse me! I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE! Continue reading

As I’ve mentioned in the not too distant past, my body has been acting weird on me lately. This has caused me to be exposed to Health Care, which has been noticeably deficient in caring for my health in that they have no fucking clue what is wrong with me. And because they have no clue what is wrong with me, they’re afraid that I won’t pay the bill unless they come up with something, and so the doctor came in to the examination room recently and told me that I have high cholesterol. (And yes, I’m fully aware that any pretense that I am “young” and “with it” flies directly out the window once I start writing about my cholesterol level. After I get done writing this, I’m going to move to Boca Raton.) Continue reading

Usually when things go missing in your home, there’s a simple and prosaic explanation: Socks coming out of the dryer cling to larger articles of clothing, car keys get pushed or fall behind larger objects, and the television remote becomes wedged between couch cushions, or if you happen to live in Milwaukee, rolls of fat. Even if it might take a while to locate these missing items, you don’t exactly need Sherlock Holmes to figure out why they disappeared in the first place. But from time to time some things go missing for which there is no rational explanation. For instance, I had a case of beer in my fridge last Friday, and I woke up at noon the next day, they were gone. I asked my neighbors if they might know where they had gone, but they were mad at me for some unknown reason, or maybe they were just preoccupied trying to paint over the giant “Led Zeppelin Rules!” someone had spray painted on the side of their house in 15 foot letters. The point I’m trying to make is that my neighbors need to lighten the fuck up. If I find any of those beers, maybe I’ll offer them a couple. Continue reading

It used to be that when you had a medical issue that needed immediate attention, you headed down to your local Urgent Care facility where they placed you in the Patient Aging Area, and you were left there for five or six hours. This was done so that, on the off chance that you didn’t have anything wrong with you in the first place, prolonged exposure to your fellow patients would ensure that by the time you got to see a doctor, you at least had something wrong with you, and you weren’t wasting the doctor’s valuable time. The doctor would then tell you that there was “something going around”, give you some antibiotics, and send you home, tremendously relieved that you weren’t terribly sick unless, of course, you went to Urgent Care with an arrow sticking out of your neck, in which case they maybe gave you some Tylenol with Codeine to keep you happy enough not to sue. Continue reading

I was reminded today about a story from when I was 23 years old; a story involving Girl Scouts. Now, if story involving a 23 year old me and Girl Scouts makes you uneasy, I’d like to point out that I didn’t do or say anything that would have required the police to get involved. I was standing next to that guy. Big difference. Continue reading

Most of the time, when I complain about the weather in Phoenix, I’m fully aware that I’m being a complete and total weather pussy. I grew up in Chicago, where wind and cold conspire to turn every day activities, like pumping gas, into life-threatening ordeals the likes of which are usually confined to a Jack London novel. So I should know better when I complain about an 80 degree day in March with no clouds in the sky because, “it’s just a little too warm for hiking.” I’ve got friends on the East Coast who have had so much snow this winter that they’ve had to leave their home via the attic and use their frozen grandmother’s corpse as a makeshift sled in a desperate bid to get food and medicine, but I’m down here getting tweaked because snakes are slightly more active when the temperatures hit 80. No word yet on whether or not they’ll film the next season of Survivor at my house. Continue reading

I’m a firm believer that all children should play a musical instrument. There are all sorts of studies that suggest that an exposure to playing music leads to an increase in general math scores, teaches discipline, fosters a feeling of accomplishment, fights tooth decay, combats halitosis, and all sorts of other things that the local junior high school’s band director dreamt up one night while he was really high. Playing music is great, but based on my experience, kids really should be limited to instruments no more complex than a triangle. Continue reading

Because I use my iPhone as my alarm clock, I was blasted out of bed at 3:26 this morning by an Amber Alert, I guess to let me know that I should report any missing 16 year old girls that happened to be in my bed. The only time in my life that I was interested in getting 16 year old girls into bed was when I was 16, of course, and that phase passed pretty quickly because 16 year old girls are fucking nutso. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep, getting up three hours later when Siri told me to. Continue reading

I’ve got a lot of respect for those that serve in the military. Well, that serve in our military, by which I mean the U.S. military. A lifetime of watching testosterone-laden, jingoistic movies has pretty much convinced me that the only military that matters is the United States Armed Forces. Oh, sure, we’ve got our staunch allies: The Brits, for instance, turned out to be a swell bunch of guys once we got over their crippling speech impediment. And speaking of speech impediments, the Aussies may not have a military capable of destroying a wedding via a drone strike like ours is, but they can hold their fucking own on shore leave, and that’s almost as important. Continue reading

I’m often pulled aside by people on the street who want to know how I do it. “Greg,” they’ll say, “you are wealthy, charismatic, and successful beyond imagination. What is your secret?” I laugh when they ask this question. Then I slug them in the gut and take their wallet, because you don’t become wealthy and successful by passing on golden opportunities such as these. Besides, my success isn’t really a secret anymore, as anyone who has read my series of self-help books can tell you. Mug Your Way to Happiness; Retire Young by Preying on the Elderly; and It’s Easy to Fall Down and Hurt Yourself at Disneyland! all outline solid plans for the savvy go-getter who wants to get the most out of life. Continue reading