I was reminded today about a story from when I was 23 years old; a story involving Girl Scouts. Now, if story involving a 23 year old me and Girl Scouts makes you uneasy, I’d like to point out that I didn’t do or say anything that would have required the police to get involved. I was standing next to that guy. Big difference. Continue reading

I don’t think I have enough hands to give this video the number of facepalms it truly deserves (29). As a result of watching it, my faith in mankind has been totally eradicated. I no longer believe in anything. I’m going to law school!

Most of the time, when I complain about the weather in Phoenix, I’m fully aware that I’m being a complete and total weather pussy. I grew up in Chicago, where wind and cold conspire to turn every day activities, like pumping gas, into life-threatening ordeals the likes of which are usually confined to a Jack London novel. So I should know better when I complain about an 80 degree day in March with no clouds in the sky because, “it’s just a little too warm for hiking.” I’ve got friends on the East Coast who have had so much snow this winter that they’ve had to leave their home via the attic and use their frozen grandmother’s corpse as a makeshift sled in a desperate bid to get food and medicine, but I’m down here getting tweaked because snakes are slightly more active when the temperatures hit 80. No word yet on whether or not they’ll film the next season of Survivor at my house. Continue reading

Those of you who have visited this site before and still managed to retain minimal brain function will probably have noticed that things look a little different. Now before you freak out, I’d like to take the time to reassure you that nothing of substance has changed. You can still expect me to curse, ramble incoherently, and of course make fun of Belgians. Smelly, no-good, fucking Belgians. Continue reading

Let me just say right off the bat that the title of this post is a joke. I like to joke with the ladies, because they appreciate a good sense of humor and enjoy a laugh just as much as us guys do, unless, of course, they consider the joke to be Not Funny, in which case they extend their claws and emit a violent shrieking noise capable of shattering windows in a twelve block radius. Or maybe I’m thinking about eagles. Whatever. The point I’m trying to make is that I haven’t been taking my court ordered medication. Continue reading

Did you know that Dogs on Drugs is more widely read than The Holy Bible? It’s true! And if it isn’t, it just seems like it should be true, doesn’t it? I mean, yeah, the Bible tells you how to get into the afterlife and all, but how many videos does it contain of Angela Lansbury masturbating in a tub? I’m pretty sure the answer is none. And what about toddlers yelling at their own asses? The Bible is strangely quiet on that subject too. Look, it’s all well and good to get into heaven, I’ll give you that. But if there isn’t going to be someone there to tell you about the sexual habits of Pac-Man (and there won’t be) you need to read up on that shit now, while you can. Continue reading

I’ve never been a huge fan of television. I’m not one of those pretentious pricks who prides themselves on not owning a television, mind you. I own one, and even occasionally turn it on when I feel the need to hate mankind a little more than I do already. Because, let’s face it, television is a vast, cultural cesspool. It’s like a digital version of Cleveland. Nothing good’s going to come out of it, and after visiting you feel the intense need to take a shower. Continue reading

I had a weird dream last night, but I’ll try not to bore you with it. I hate it when people try to unload their dreams on me. “I was in this school bus, only it was more like a plane, but had seats like a school bus and a swimming pool in it for some reason. And the driver was a spider, although he looked like a bus driver, but I knew he was a spider, you know what I mean?” No, I don’t know what you mean. That dream, like most, is a first draft at best. Edit the shit out of that thing before you share it with people because it’s pointless, makes no sense, and is a total waste of everyone’s time. Dreams are exactly like the Twilight movies. Continue reading

A friend told me today that this site is often like “an infomercial on crack”. My friend is very perceptive.

If you’re a US citizen, like I am, then you’re lucky enough to be living in a country where even the poorest citizens are earning more than 98% of the rest of the world. Pretty awesome, right? High five! Yes, us Americans live high on the hog, which is only fitting considering what a lot of us look like. And because we’re so relatively wealthy, we do totally stupid shit like pluck our eyebrows and draw them back on with a Sharpie, or pay total strangers to rub sugar on our feet. Hell, we’re so fucking wasteful and spoiled that we drink gold. Think about that. Gold is expensive, has millions of practical uses, can be used in decorative jewelry, but fuck that: Let’s get drunk off that shit! Seriously, if we could freebase diamonds, I’m sure that’d be next. Continue reading