I’m super-hella-busy* right now, so instead of spending the next 45 minutes rehashing a bunch of tired old dick-jokes, I’ll take this time instead to introduce our new sponsor, Funeraria Lopez.

Are you Hispanic? Are you looking for a coffin to store your spare hot chicks? Or are you perhaps looking to ruin future Christmases with a funeral so freaky and upsetting that your children will pray for Santa to pass them by this year? Then you need to call Funeraria Lopez right fucking NOW, muchacho! They actually don’t have phone service, but if you see a lion with a camcorder he’ll tell you where to go.

*Yes, I used the “word” hella. This is because I am “hip to the jive”, “22-skiddoo”, and am planning on doing the Charleston later with my dog. I am so with it, it fucking hurts.

Are you talented? Do you long to express your inner self via the visual medium of oil-based paint? Have you been consuming PCP in 50 gallons drums for the last 10 years? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you’re going to want to run right out and buy a copy of Painting with Kim Beom. Learn how to paint and cause your neighbors to move away! Act now, and we’ll throw in a copy of Staring At Coworkers Until They Cry with Kim Beom.

(Disclaimer: Kim Beom is not a licensed therapist, board certified psychologist, or a carbon-based life form. Do not make direct eye contact with Kim Beom.)

If you’re anything like me, you’re high on oven cleaner positively vibrating with excitement over the upcoming Winter Olympics, hosted in Sochi, Russia. Personally, I find the Summer Olympics terminally boring. It’s mostly people running, swimming, or jumping and if I wanted to see that, I’d go hang out near the Mexican border. But the Winter Olympics are a different matter. They’ve got an event called the Biathlon which sounds like it would involve some steamy FMF three-way porn, but impossibly becomes even better when you discover it’s a bunch of people on skis with rifles. Now if only they’d introduce handguns to figure skating, the Winter Olympics would be the best thing ever. Continue reading

“Dammit, none of the applicants we’ve interviewed so far are qualified for this job! Why can’t we find someone with some serious screwdriver skills who’s willing to reach the climax position?”

“Hang on, we’ve got one more interview.”

I had a different post planned for tonight, but as usual my plans were overtaken by events in the real world, or as I like to call it Stupid Meat-Reality. My sons both had homework to do, and while that was going on I found out that my daughter had sprained her ankle playing basketball which meant that I also had to play the role of full-time nurse. My daughter has always known how to milk a situation for all it is worth, and now that she’s a teenager she’s somehow gotten better at it, so in no time I found myself having to read things for her because apparently spraining your ankle makes reading impossible. Continue reading

You might know Michael Bay as the producer of the Transformers movies which, if you’ve never seen them, is the cinematic equivalent of watching a lawnmower fight in a dynamite storm. Just super-brainless crap, with a body count in the opening credits. So naturally, the Samsung corporation asked Michael Bay to come to speak a few words at the 2014 CES, because if there’s one thing you want your company to be associated with, it’s movies that make professional wrestling seem highbrow. Continue reading

Well, Christmas is over, so it’s time to get back to doing what we do best: Making fun of foreigners. And today’s episode is brought to you by Nissin Milk Seafood Noodles, because we really bombed the fucking sense out of the Japanese, didn’t we?

May your holidays bring you as much joy as 210 plastic water bottles did to this little guy.

As part of the Dogs On Drugs Official Holiday Extravaganza And High Colonic Blowout, we proudly present the following video, which illustrates several important points:

1. 80’s-styled yuppie moms are ok with PCP, crack, and needle drugs, just as long as you don’t drink a beer.
2. Jimmy is a shrewd negotiator and knows when to accept a deal that clearly gives him the upper hand.
3. Jimmy’s mom has given up on life.

Seriously, look at Jimmy’s mom. If you had to guess whether or not Jimmy’s mom’s next move would be to make Jimmy a peanut butter sandwich, or engage in triple penetration-porn on top of Jimmy’s homework, you know the correct answer: A confused teacher somewhere is going to be wondering why a 12 year old’s homework smells of poontang, Astroglide, and desperation. Tough times over at Jimmy’s house.

It’s here! That magical time of year in which families come together in true appreciation of the meaning of Christmas. Hahaha, just kidding. Most people I know just buy lots of shit. Cause, you know: Jesus! That’s not to say that there aren’t people out there for whom Christmas is a meaningful holiday. But if they have kids, they know all too well how quickly one can go from celebrating the birth of the Lord to punching a fat woman in the neck in Walmart because she got her grubby fucking mitts a little too close to the last Furby. ‘Tis the season for a lot of things, fractured larynxes included.

I am not immune to the special pressures of Christmas by any means. For instance, every year I spend approximately seven and a half weeks removing toys from their packages because of those fucking grey wires. Oh, those fucking things drive me apeshit loonball crazy! I’d like to find the guy that invented those things and [Extreme rant including references to medieval torture techniques omitted.] …and then smash it flat with a ball peen hammer. Asshole.

Anyway, rather than divert precious grey wire time into something I enjoy doing (i.e. my normally tasteless and offensive posts), I will instead offer seasonal videos of an inspirational nature. And by “inspirational”, of course, I mean “really fucking horrifying”. So kick back, and celebrate good times this holiday season. Just like Ponch.