Do you have a lot of unsightly flab? Do bearded whalers follow you around saying things like “Call me Ishmael”? Do you live in Milwaukee? If you answered yes to any of those questions, put down that bowl of ice cream and listen the fuck up: I am going to tell you how to make those pounds simply melt away with the Dogs on Drugs soon-to-be-patented (if the US Patent Office knows what’s good for them) revolutionary workout that will shake the world to its fucking core! Continue reading

As anyone who has read this site for even a short amount of time can tell you, I’m originally from Chicago. It’s funny, when I tell people that, people from Westernized countries will say “Chicago! Michael Jordan!” or something like that. This is to let me know that although their culture might seem different and backwards to me, especially in the department of taking a goddamn shower every now and again, they aren’t completely out of it. They know one thing about Chicago. People from Asia and Africa, however, will say, “Chicago! Yes, Al Capone! Bang! Bang!” You think I’m shitting you, but I’m not. This has happened to me multiple times, and I do not know why. Oh. I just checked the number of homicides caused by guns in Chicago last year (435). Now I know why. Bang! Bang! Continue reading

My daughter pulled a fast one last week. This, in and of itself is not a shocking development. My daughter is 13, and so she’ll not only pull fast ones, but believe with all the sincerity and fervor of a cult member that she was justified in doing so. “Well of course I didn’t ask if I could arrange an arms deal with El Salvador freedom fighters so that I could use to proceeds to buy earring’s at Claire’s. You would have said no!” Continue reading

if I had a time machine, I would use it to go back in time, learn how to play guitar like an absolute motherfucker, just so I could do what Slash does here. Then I’d retire, because this, my friends, is the absolute pinnacle.

After a long weekend of huffing drain cleaner yard work and lurking in the women’s bathroom at Denny’s wholesome living, I was a fucking wreck at the office today. I had a grand total of one hour’s worth of sleep last night, and it showed. (Related: I am no longer allowed to participate in the peer review process or own a stapler.) And if there’s one thing this blog has consistently taught us over the years, it’s this: When I’m too tired to post, everyone suffers.

Today, at the office, in a stunning display of athleticism and physical prowess that would have made my 4 year old proud, I managed to spill an entire bowl of chicken soup on myself, soaking my clothes from my shoulder down to my knee. I was eating lunch at my desk when this happened, so I’m officially calling it a failed attempt at multi-tasking. Unfortunately, the soup was no longer hot so I don’t get to sit at home, surfing the internet and sending prank emails to elected officials while I collect on the stupidest worker compensation claim of all time. Dammit. Continue reading

I took my boys to some archaeological ruins this weekend, the theory being that if the place was already ruined, I wouldn’t have to worry about my kids fucking it up. As it turns out, archaeological ruins are incredibly delicate, which makes sense because that’s probably how they got ruined in the first place. We were in the parking lot when I stopped and read a very important sign to the boys. “Hey, guys, look at this sign: ‘No standing’ on the walls of the ruins.” Anyone who has young boys knows that I read these words to two giggling boys who were tightrope-walking the ruins, kicking priceless clods of history onto the dirt below. Continue reading

You ever have one of those days when you realize that pretty much every aspect of your life has really good parts balanced against really shitty parts? That’s how I felt today. I was like Woody Allen on Ecstasy: I didn’t know how to feel. And for whatever reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about that and totally blew off thinking about what to write about for this very post. (Long time readers know that this means that there will be a monumentally fucked up/bizarro video following shortly, and they are right.) Continue reading

One of the great things about the internet is that it gives you access to strange headlines from around the world. I grew up in a rural suburb of Chicago, so I was limited to the headlines from my local newspaper (“Nothing is happening”), Chicago’s newspaper (“Voter turnout high in cemeteries”), and occasionally we’d get a glimpse of Milwaukee’s newspaper (“Sausage Good!”). Now, with the advent of the internet, I can learn, with one click of a mouse, that people are avoiding forced marriages by jamming cutlery in their underwear: Spoon in underwear saving youths from forced marriage. Continue reading

I was putting some gas in my Jeep this afternoon, when a man at the next pump approached and asked me for directions to a well known road in the area. We then proceeded to get into an argument after I provided him with simple, easy to understand directions and he insisted that I was wrong. I even pulled up the directions on my iPhone, and he still insisted that I was wrong. “You’re no help at all,” he said as he turned away. “Thanks a lot.” Continue reading