I just saw something on the American Music Awards that pissed me off. Now I should note that I was not actually watching the AMA’s, because I’m an old fuck who believes that music has been going steadily downhill since Led Zeppelin disbanded in 1980. Seriously, you don’t have to be able to play an instrument any more since session hacks will record everything for you, and now you don’t have to be able to sing either. Fucking auto-tune. Now your odds of hitting it big and going straight to the top are directly linked to your ability to fellate Simon Cowell to orgasm. (Hint: It is a known fact that Simon Cowell cannot climax without having three fingers placed in his anus. Not two, not four, three. And yes, he can tell the difference.) Continue reading

The summer of 1974, when I was five, my parents had just finished putting the final touches on their dream house. They had hired an architect to design their house to their specifications, paid an urban planner to suggest where to build so that the family would get the most out of both suburban and rural life while maximizing the value of the house when it was time to retire, and basically sweated over the millions of details involved in making one’s dreams come true. And it was because of this that it took me almost thirty years to tell my mom the truth behind “The Sprinkler Story”. Continue reading

I’m going to start off by saying that I do not hate old people. I really don’t. I myself want to be an old person one day, within limits. I mean, you see some of these seniors on TV who are 107 and they’re not the happy kind of “Is Harry Truman still the President?” out of it, they’re more like the “Mr. McGillicutty shit in his shoes again” kind of out of it. Fuck that. But barring some radical dementia that makes me want to try to barbecue my nuts or anything crazy like that, I do want to live long enough to be fairly old. Continue reading

Can someone tell me why the fuck my kids can’t wear Halloween costumes to school tomorrow? I’ve asked the school, of course, and the standard answer they give you is that costumes would be a “safety issue”. Bullshit. (WARNING: IN-MY-DAY ALERT) In my day, we wore costumes to school and if anyone was wearing something that might be unsafe, they were asked to remove it. And there’s nothing to prevent schools from continuing that practice today. Continue reading

I fucking hate my refrigerator. I hate it with the burning intensity of a million exploding suns. If I could frame my refrigerator for murder and conspire to have it sentenced to life in a horrible urine-soaked hellhole where it suffered daily dry anal rapes, I would have done so a long time ago. Continue reading

I went grocery shopping with my family today, and during the course of our trip I ran across the good kind of public drug user. If you’re a regular reader of this website, first of all, get help. Second of all, you may remember my run-in with a crystal meth smoker driving a mini-van and brandishing a sword. That’s the bad kind of public drug user, and I hope the asshole dies of chlamydia in a car fire. Continue reading

I love the show How It’s Made. That show can make the manufacture of anything totally interesting. Even my five year old will stop to watch, temporarily able to overcome the sugar coursing through his veins. And better yet, it generates questions of the non-Spongebob variety. The fact that I don’t know how to answer these questions is incidental. “What is metal extrusion? Ummm… Well… Look! Shiny metal things!” Continue reading

I went grocery shopping today, and it struck me that the people who name new food products have gone insane. Take the product off to the left, the Quaker Chewy SMASHBAR! From what I’m able to tell, they “Smash” different flavors together into bar form. Then you eat these things until you are so fat that they have to smash you into a van just to be able to get to the Big & Tall store for a muumuu fitting. Continue reading

Due to a string of unfortunate events this weekend, I wound up watching Bridesmaids with my wife last night. That was two hours and twelve minutes of unfunny that seemed to last at least ten times that long. Holy crap, did I not like that movie. Every time something interesting or funny threatened to happen, women wound up drinking coffee and discussing their emotions. Towards the end, I found myself hoping that earthbound NASA satellite would plunge through the roof and take my head clean off. Continue reading

You know what’s wonderful about the internet? Any random weirdo can express their views. You can start a blog, or just comment on other people’s web pages. You can upload a video of yourself to YouTube or, if you’re feeling rather saucy, have total strangers violate every orifice in your body for an hour and post that online. Or you can self-publish a book on Amazon, such as the following literary masterpiece, Birth Control is Sinful in the Christian Marriages and also Robbing God of Priesthood Children. Yes, that’s a real book, with real words in it and everything, although it’s hard to consider the words effective when they’re IN ALL UPPERCASE AND ARRANGED NEARLY SENSE NONE WITH:> PUNCTUATION ; RANDOM!!! Continue reading