Before we get on to what you missed during the week after you rekindled your romance with prescription cough syrup, a quick note to the douchebag driving a maroon Scion who missed my bumper by 6 inches on Route 60 on Friday: This is not The Fast and the Furious. You are not Vin Diesel. You couldn’t even spell Diesel if I spotted you the “D”, the “S”, and all of the vowels. And you are not driving a cool car, you are driving a fucking toaster on wheels. Stop acting like you’re a professional stunt driver. You are a professional asshole, of that I have no doubt, and the only way you’ll live long enough to become a professional human being is to chill the fuck out before you kill yourself or before I find your ass and rip it a new dual-exhaust tailpipe. (I’ll even throw in under-carriage lights.)

Asshole. Continue reading

Another Labor Day has come and gone, and with it another of my personal holiday traditions:  Getting shitfaced and loitering on the grounds of an old folks home.  Well, that sounds a bit creepier than it is in reality.  The Missus and I ditched our kids (not literally.  It was more of a culvert) and headed over to a fun-loving couple’s house where he had dinner, played poker, got wasted, and got semi-dirty in the pool.  

I had a Yahoo! account suspended recently because I like to have a little fun with answering some of the questions posted on Yahoo! Answers.  Honestly, I think the people that post questions there have IQ’s so low that I do not believe they still qualify as “intelligent life”.  They’d be more accurately classified as a breed of semi-intelligent doorstop.

You!  Yeah, you!  Hey, pal, do you care enough for your family to want to save them should a catastrophe occur?  Of course you do, what kind of heartless prick wouldn’t?  Ok, then pony up $25,000 a head and you can live in Vivos’s doomsday bunkers being built in…  Wait.  Indiana and Kansas?  You know what?  Never mind.  You’re better off taking your chances on the outside.

My family and I went camping over the weekend, but even though we were miles and miles away from civilization, we couldn’t see the Perseid meteor shower because of clouds.  This is bullshit.  If we, as a civilization, cannot come up with a reliable way to rid ourselves of clouds during important events (meteor showers, the Super Bowl, any time I want to run around drunk and naked in the woods) then we have failed.  We may as well go back to living in the trees, eating bananas all day and flinging feces.  This explains my wife yelling, “Come down from there, right now!” at me all weekend anyway.