You! Yeah, you! Hey, pal, do you care enough for your family to want to save them should a catastrophe occur? Of course you do, what kind of heartless prick wouldn’t? Ok, then pony up $25,000 a head and you can live in Vivos’s doomsday bunkers being built in… Wait. Indiana and Kansas? You know what? Never mind. You’re better off taking your chances on the outside.
Seriously, if I’m going to be spending 24 hours a day in a bunker, no matter how lavish, I want that bunker to be in Hawaii, or the French Riviera or something. Because when the apocalypse has passed, I’m not sure there are going to be any flights to take me home, and I sure as shit don’t want to spend the rest of my life in Kansas or Indiana. Did you know that Kansas and Indiana are tied for the lead in most chlamydia infections per capita? Even though I totally made that up, IT’S TRUE!
So fuck fending off hayseeds at the door of my multi-million dollar bunker, I’m going to go out in a blaze of glory. Or in a blaze of asteroid induced flames. Whatever.
On to the week in review:
- On Monday, I wondered aloud (I say what I type, I guess) whether or not my garbage man is a moron, a mobster, or both.
- On Tuesday I implicated an old college classmate for drunkenly stealing a dump truck, and implicated myself and others for wiping it down for prints.
- On Wednesday, we all had Un taco! Un taco! Un taco! Un taco!
- On Thursday we learned that Hee-Haw: The Movie is one step closer to reality now that it has been cast. Unless God’s “Nu Thang” is striking down anyone who would make Hee-Haw: The Movie, which come to think of it, he totally should do.
- And on Saturday I coined the term ‘scooterjack’ and we deemed $3.99 too expensive for Tila Tequila.
For those of you interested in learning more about how much Indiana sucks, please check out IndianaSucks.info for more information including “INDIANA SUCKS BIG GREEN DONKEY DICKS”. Kansas, alas, has no such site but does have an online petition to “Nuke the Crap out of Kansas and All Its Citizens” which has 322 signatures. Well, 323 now that I’ve signed it. Why not nuke Kansas? They’ve got a doomsday bunker.