We all have ground rules in our lives, things that we use as a handy moral compass for our daily activities. That way when we do something horrible like install a wireless webcam in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room, we can say to ourselves, “Well, that wasn’t my best moment, but at least I didn’t beat my kids today!” Then you can post the resulting footage on secretjigglefest.com with a somewhat clear conscious. (I’ll let you know when that site is up, by the way.) But while many of our ground rules may differ, there is one rule that should be iron-clad and applied across the board: If you’re hosting a party and a tranny wants you to pay her $700 to put things in your butt, you should probably pass on that. Continue reading

You see the person pictured down below? This is Vesta Vayne, and she’s an internet friend of mine. An internet friend is someone you meet online, usually on a blog or in a series of comment posts, that you communicate with on a semi-regular basis, forming a bond over common experiences and similar outlook. That is, you do this until you realize that the person you thought you were getting to know is actually a disgusting 60 year old sex offender from Baltimore who has been jerking it to every single one of your emails. That, my friends, is the magic of the internet. Continue reading

You know what’s fun? Combing through the comment spam that my filter has picked up. I do this because every now and again a legitimate comment gets thrown in there and I have to rescue it. These tend to stand out, though, simply because the spam I do get is so ridiculous: “This post is a great resource. I will definitely be back!” Oh, hey, I’m glad you think my post consisting of a video of a retarded goat is so valuable. Be sure to come back next week when I have a clip of a badger with Downs. Or sometimes you’ll get a comment that looks like this: “Your site is so {informative|intelligent|well thought out}. I plan to {return|come back} {as soon as possible|soon|next week}.” Well thought out? Listen, asshole, I asked Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich. My site is as well thought out as the piece of shit program you wrote to send your spam. Continue reading