I tried going to the bank today and was really confused when I pulled on the door and it didn’t open. I went across the street to a convenience store to see if they sold money orders (which is why I was going to the bank in the first place), and when I explained why I was there and that the bank was closed for Columbus Day, the guy at the register said, “Really? That’s still a thing?” which expressed my opinion perfectly.
Now, of course, when I was in school I fucking LOVED Columbus Day. If it got me out of school, I was all for it. If wearing a dress to school would’ve gotten me out of school for Tranny Appreciation Day, I would’ve done it. I grew up in Illinois, and while the bedrock of any Chicago politician’s voting base was the cemetery, Polish people tended to have a lot of pull as well and so we got Casimir Pulaski Day off every March in remembrance of a Polish military commander who was notable in that he lost a lot of battles and tended to get captured quite a bit as well. I didn’t fucking care. Casimir Pulaski! Woo-hoo! Now let’s go throw rocks at passing trains!
But now that I’m all grown up and don’t get retarded holidays off, fuck Christopher Columbus. He does me no fucking good any more. What did he do anyway?
- He discovered America! Woo-hoo! – This must have come as a surprise to the people already living there. Imagine your reaction if some freaky-looking dude kicked down your door one day, planted a flag in your hallway and loudly declared that he had discovered your house. You wouldn’t honor him, you’d kick his ass out and call the cops. (“Hello? 911? Andy Dick is at my house again.”)
- Well, he was the first European to discover America! – Now imagine that guy “discovering” your house fifteen minutes after a funny-speaking Viking dude (Leif Ericson) did the same. Not only is he crazy and wrong, but he’s unoriginal as well.
- Fuck you, Christopher Columbus discovered America. It says so right here in my history book. – Not only did he not discover America, he never set foot in the United States. What he discovered was Haiti. (And yes, I know that he is credited with discovering “The Americas”, but an awful lot of lunkheads don’t know that and think he literally founded the United States.)
Look, I don’t buy into the whole, “Christopher Columbus brutally subjugated two entire continents of indigenous people” argument. He acted like quite the fucking butt-head, of that there is little doubt (he demanded natives pay him in gold and cotton every month. If someone failed to pay him, he cut their hands off and let them bleed to death), but he wasn’t responsible for all of the shitty things that happened after his watch.
But he was one hell of a gloriously lost bastard who found Haiti while looking for India. If he would’ve just stayed fucking home, he would’ve been 4,000 miles closer. And we honor him for this? I’d like in on some of that action.
My Wife: Why did it take you so long to pick up the kids at day care?
Greg: Well, I tried to find a shortcut to day care and for a while I thought I’d found one, but then it turned out I’d just stumbled across a Pop Warner Football game.
My Wife: I’m so proud! Hey everyone, my husband just discovered the NFL!
That is essentially the same argument used to celebrate Columbus. Look, I’m sure he was a brave fucking dude. You didn’t set off across the ocean in those days without a certain amount of bravery, or at least a touch of syphilitic madness. I wouldn’t have done what he did. I probably would’ve chilled the fuck out in Spain, getting loaded and watching bullfights. (Possible research topic – Did booze and/or bullfights exist back then?) So, yeah, he was brave. But not so brave that I think the fucking banks should be closed over 500 years later because of him.
Here is a list of people who deserve holidays more than Columbus, in my opinion:
- Whoever discovered the blowjob – How the fuck did this wonderfully prescient individual’s name become lost to history? Mankind’s most stunning technological achievement (the internet) consists of this site, LOLCats, and the remainder is videos of blowjobs. And there is no date to honor that good man or woman? Bullshit.
- Babe Ruth– Yeah, I fucking hate the Yankees too, but look at this list of things the Babe would eat for breakfast every day. This guy was considered the best at what he did, maybe ever, and if he could be a fucking pig like that, it gives hope to the rest of us lazy slobs.
- A porterhouse steak
- Six fried eggs
- A double order of cottage-fried potatoes
- A quart of whiskey and ginger ale
- Charles Nelson Reilly – Fuck. Yeah.
- The six people who live in Iowa who haven’t had sex with a barnyard animal (yet) – Because that has to be difficult for them, and we should reward that kind of self-control, even if it only lasts for a couple more months.*
- My wife – Because she just
orderedasked me to put her on this list.
* Hailing from Illinois, I like to poke fun at fellow Midwesterners who happen to live in Iowa. Without exception, every single Iowan I’ve ever met has been friendly, courteous, and very, very likable. It’s too bad they all have penis cancer.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Columbus. Fucker. Because he got incredibly fucking lost well over 500 years ago, I had to wait a full day to play with my safe deposit box. Asshole.