The Week In Review

If vomiting was a circus act, I would've been a headliner when I was in college.

I took my kids to the circus this weekend. There are few things in life I hate as much as the circus, that gaudy, shucksterrific slice of Americana whose sole purpose is not to entertain, but to give gainful employment to pederast drifters and people who like to burn things. I look at the ringmaster, who has now apparently had singing added to his list of super-annoying job duties, and I think to myself, “Good God, man. Your job is to go from town to town wearing that suit. That’s pretty much it. Have you no pride?” I guess I just don’t get the circus.

I’m not too sure my kids do either, which is upsetting given the ticket price and the fact that they are only reason I would ever attend a circus if we don’t count massive brain damage as a reason. They were more excited about the fact that the circus tent was set up in the parking lot of our local mall (and isn’t that the sign of a quality circus?). “Look!” I’d say, doing my best to keep sarcasm entirely out of my voice. “People on trampolines! Wow! Look how high they can jump!”

“Hahahaha!” my kids would reply. “Look at me! I’m standing in the parking lot!” And they’d stand there in front of our seats (third fucking row, mind you), looking down at the parking lines, looking around, and giggling at being inside but still in the parking lot.

“Look! Clowns! I bet you… I mean, isn’t that the funniest… You know what? Fuck it. If they can’t out-wow a slab of fucking asphalt, fuck these circus geeks right in their spangly asses.”

To be fair, the circus did eventually catch my kids attention: They saw the lighted swords for sale and instantly began to plead for one. And by instantly, I mean incessantly. From the time they saw them until 45 minutes after we left, all they could talk about was how much of a prick I was for not buying them lethal weapons that would blink red, green, and blue, even when impaled in your little brother. Occasionally, the PA would remind us, “Remember, folks, for the safety of our performers, no flash photography!” But flashing swords are apparently a-ok. I guess the difference is that they can’t charge me for using my own flash camera. If I would’ve known that they were selling lighted swords at the circus, I would have brought a one million candle-power strobe light for the trapeze and high wire acts.

Oops! Dropped another one! Stupid flash photography.

Oops! Dropped another one! Stupid flash photography.

I should note that the circus itself, as far as that kind of thing goes, was fine. It wasn’t a huge production, and I noticed that the girl keeping 47 hula-hoops going was also on the trapeze, swung around on a rope 40 feet off the ground in the arms of some burly dude, and was also the target of some flaming spears an emo-looking magician began violently throwing around (SPOILER: She wasn’t killed). If you were part of this circus, you fucking worked for your Cracker Jack and candy apple dinner.

Everyone did a little of everything in this show, even catching people flying through the air, preventing them from dying in a strange parking lot. This meant that everyone was really fucking strong and really fucking broad in the shoulders, even the ladies, which gave them all an East Germany Women’s Shot Put Team kind of look. It was hard to appreciate their womanly charms, even with the incredibly skimpy outfits. Instead of tuning out the circus and thinking lewd thoughts, I found myself in a constant state of near-alarm, thinking things like, “Look at the thighs on that one! She’d probably crack my head open like a fucking coconut!”

But everyone in the circus was really professional, if you can call wearing a rhinestone unitard a profession. They even fired a guy out of a cannon at the end of the show, which would have been a lot better if it was at the beginning of the show, I was in the cannon, and it was aimed at my couch at home, because fuck the circus. I hate those fucking things.

Ok, on to the week you missed while Zorbo the Magnificent tried to lure your kids backstage with a wad of cotton candy.

I should mention something about my post Hot Drinks, last Wednesday. After I posted it, I sent the following Tweet to Wendy’s:

[blackbirdpie id=”299393615212466176″]

Shortly thereafter, Wendy’s replied:

[blackbirdpie id=”299523936817934336″]

So let the record reflect that either Wendy’s is so nerdish that they seriously think the Hot Drinks video is cool, in which case I’m on my way over to take Wendy’s lunch money, or they actually have a sense of humor. I’m leaning towards the former because…

We should give Wendy’s credit, though. At least they’re trying to have fun with it, unlike those suicidal fucks manning the counter at McDonald’s:

That doesn’t surprise me about McDonald’s, actually. Everything with a clown in it is fucking horrible. (Full circle for the win!)

And with that, another new week is upon us. Let’s try to make it all the way through without punching anyone in the neck. Unless it’s a clown.

10 Responses to “The Week In Review”

  1. I took my kids to the circus about 10 years ago and walked in the tent just as it was starting. A magician came out and snatched me up onto the stage before I could even get seated.

    He wanted me to check to make sure he couldn’t escape from the stockards and locked me in it. As he addressed the crowd, I figured out how to get out and he pulled me away before anyone noticed, thanked me for my help and sent me to my seat.

    I hate magicians and it was the last time I went to the circus.

    • Greg says:

      Oh, if I ever got dragooned into participating in a circus, I would make it a point of pride to do anything within my power to ruin everything. That’s awesome that you were able to noodle the trick out for yourself. Too bad he caught it in time.

  2. la juice says:

    AWESOME yu got a reply from Wendys and I got Al Franken to follow me on twitter- What the hell is happening to America- are the demented malcontents of the world suddenly relevant?

    and also- How did you get that picture of KD Lang on a trapeze? That would be worth the price of admission, if I weren’t opposed to the Elephant abuses the Ringling Bros. are well known for.

    • Greg says:

      I was surprised that Wendy’s responded. Usually companies see my domain name and want nothing to do with me. I can’t blame them.

      Oh, and you’ll be happy to know that the circus I took the kids to was animal free.

  3. Vesta Vayne says:

    Interesting, my husband and I just had a conversation about the circus, and that we were probably the last generation to go to those. Apparently we were totally wrong.

    • Greg says:

      Not by much, to judge from my kids’ reactions. I seriously doubt they’ll feel the need to pass that experience on to their kids.

  4. Heather says:

    When you’re holed up in your parents television-free, hippie-bunker for years on end, the circus is like the portal to some alternate universe where regular everyday children are allowed to eat cotton candy.

  5. Vonny says:

    Hey, you didn’t wrap up and remove the Poll of the Moment. It triggers my gag reflex every time I look at it.

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