Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut

I only wrote one post last week, a fact that I attribute to truly heroic cocktail intake a strange sense of ennui. The word “ennui” for those of you who don’t know, is French for… Oh, who fucking cares? We didn’t pull the snail-eaters’ asses out of the fire in World War II so we could speak French, for fuck’s sake. No, we did it because our GI’s in the European Theater were brave, and selfless souls who were also God-awful hungry for the poon. France just happened to be there, and a lack of razors or even basic hygiene was not going to deter our brave lads: They slept with the French women anyway.

Hahaha, I love making fun of the French because why not? They’re the French! What are they going to do about it?

Angry French Mob: We have your house surrounded! Come out now, you arrogant American bastard! We want your wine! (etc.)

Me: (walks outside wearing a stern and defiant expression)

Angry French Mob: (Shrieks/wets panties like a bunch of 5 year old girls, flees. Acts snotty to tourists forever.)

Anyway, I didn’t post much of anything last week. I didn’t feel lazy or depressed, I wasn’t too busy, I just didn’t feel like posting. That is, until I read the latest Celebrity Scandal, which quickly galvanized me to get up off my ass, fire up the ol’ computer and look up the word galvanize (It’s a city in Texas). It also made me decide to write a post because it reminded me of a person that needs to be on the People Whose Heads Look Like Peanuts list.

The scandal, for those of you who have had your head stuck in a roll of Val Kilmer’s back fat for the last week (more on that later), was that Sinead O’Connor decided to dole out some motherly advice for singer/actress/skank-ho Miley Cyrus. She did this out of an overabundance of love and possibly whiskey. Miley Cyrus did not appreciate being given career advice by someone who last had a hit when Vanilla Ice had yet to become a carny, and intimated that Sinead O’Connor was a couple of potatoes short of a famine, if you catch my drift.

The imbroglio escalated until Sinead O’Connor bum-rushed Miley Cyrus on the set of Saturday Night Live and blew them both to smithereens with a homemade blouse made of C4 and wool (always with the wool, those Micks). Actually, that didn’t happen. That’s just what we wanted to happen. What really happened was a bunch of open letters on Facebook, followed by snarky Tweets with emoticons… God damn it, whatever happened to fights with pool cues? You know who would have won if Sinead O’Connor and Miley Cyrus faced off with pool cues? EVERYONE.

To get back to my point (I’m pretty sure I had one), in one of the news items that popped up on my news feed, there was a photo of Sinead O’Connor now, and I was shocked. I thought it was Curly from the Three Stooges.

Why soytainly! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

Now, I’m not going to make fun of Sinead O’Connor’s looks, for a couple of reasons. First of all, she was a striking young woman, and just because she got a little bit older doesn’t mean that we should make fun of her. Also, I’m not one to talk, especially after I was banned from the clock store for life. But her head does look like a peanut, doesn’t it? Here, look:

Find Sinead O’Connor in a bowl of peanuts.

You can’t find her, can you? No one can. Her head looks like a peanut. And she’s not the only one. Here, for the first time in the history of mankind, is the official list of people whose heads look like peanuts.

Billy Corgan: Professional queef and one peanut-looking motherfucker.

James Carville: Put Bill Clinton into office but couldn’t keep him off the hired help. If peanuts could yell, this is what it would look like.

Phil Collins: Once sang, “It’s no fun, being an illegal alien” because, you know, Phil Collins can relate! Also he looks like a peanut imitating Junior Soprano.

Patrick Stewart: If a peanut and Steve Jobs had sex (and I’m pretty sure that happened), this would be the offspring.

Sinead O’Connor: Radical feminist lesbian peanut.

If you have nominations for the People Whose Heads Look Like Peanuts list, by all means, send them in to sineadoconnorisapeanut@dogsondrugs.com. We could make an ever expanding list of celebrities who look like peanuts until such time as this site is sued into the fucking ground by the powerful peanut cabal. Vegas has set the over/under at February, 2014.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Val Kilmer, holy shit, bud! What the fuck happened to you?

Val Kilmer would like to know if you’re free to play Dungeons & Dragons today, Or tomorrow. Or this weekend. Anytime, really.

Now, I’m no stranger to a few pounds around the midriff. That’s to be expected when your liver is hooked directly to Anheuser-Busch with 1/2 inch PVC pipe. But damn! Aren’t celebrities supposed to have lots of time to exercise? He looks like he ate his physical trainer! Also, what’s that thing next to his right arm? It looks like he sat on and squashed the Predator.

Also, if he grew his hair out, you know who he’d look like?

Meat Loaf