My first sponsored post. I am going to go wait by the mailbox for that big, fat check.

Not sure, why, but this video has become a Christmas tradition for me. I guess the appeal is that it runs counter to all the schmaltzy, Christmas treacle that is force fed to us for the last 3 months of the year. That, and it’s funny as hell.

Merry Christmas, everyone, and if you see a Chevy Nova parked near your house this season, give it a wide berth.

I have a friend who is openly gay. Not that that’s a big deal or anything. A lot of people are openly gay, as anyone who has ever attended a Barbara Streisand concert can tell you. But when I worked with him back in the early 90’s, Tim was the first, totally open gay friend that I’d ever had and I learned a lot from him, like how people can be complete fucking idiots when confronted with homosexuality. Continue reading

You know who I have a problem with? Magicians that act surprised at what they’ve done. I’m looking in your direction, Doug Henning. Ok, well, not really, since you’ve been dead for 14 years. You know what I mean. (Again, no you probably don’t. You’re dead.) I’m going to stop talking to Doug Henning now. Continue reading

I was sitting in traffic today, stuck behind a large Cadillac with Texas plates when it dawned on me that the state of Texas should really have an additional letter in it. Specifically, it should have the letter “C”, because if it did, then you could rearrange the letters in Tecxas to spell “Sex Act”, and how fucking awesome would that be? Answer: 7 million. It would be 7 million awesome. Continue reading

I’ve been thinking a lot about Christmas trees lately, and not just because they’ve been rammed down my fucking throat since Halloween. Seriously, this three months of Christmas bullshit has to stop. I propose that anyone caught putting up Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving be placed in the stocks, and then we turn Rudolph loose on him. Rudolph on Viagra. And as for commercial establishments, every day that they’re in violation then everything in the store is free, including the employees. No one, and I mean no one is going to put up Christmas decorations in October if there’s a chance that they’ll wind up being sodomized in a double-wide for the rest of their life as a result. Ok, maybe Walmart employees. (45% of all Walmart employees enjoy being sodomized. That’s a scientifically proven fact. But don’t take my word for it, the next time you’re in Walmart, ask every employee you see if they enjoy being sodomized. You’ll see. Also, video that shit and send it to me.) Continue reading

If you’re anything like me, you’re woefully unprepared for the holidays. They come up on you so fast! One minute you’re celebrating Halloween with a carafe of grain alcohol, and the next you’re waking up on a snow covered lawn littered with empty whiskey bottles and lifeless hookers. You don’t know where your family is, let alone what you’re going to get them for Christmas. What you need to do is come up with a perfect gift, that special purchase that says, “I thought of you this holiday season, even if only between the blackouts.” That way your special someone feels needed, which is going to come in handy when you’re trying to round up character witnesses that don’t know you by your incriminating nickname (Drive-By). And Dogs on Drugs is here to help. Continue reading

If, like me, you happen to live in the United States, you know that this week is pretty much a waste of time as far as getting anything productive done. This is because Thursday is Thanksgiving, that magical time of year during which we give thanks for all that we are blessed with by gorging on food until we’re swollen and bloated like ticks on a dog. I’m not quite sure how we went from thankful to gluttonous, but I’m pretty sure that our emaciated and smallpocked forbears would be puzzled by our behavior. “I’m thankful that only half of my children starved to death this year, but yeah, eating until you sweat gravy really captures the spirit of things.” Continue reading

I get a lot of goofball spam in my inbox. Sure, there’s the garden variety SEO bullshit which breathlessly informs me that unless I optimize my website for search engines, I am leaving a HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY ON THE TABLE. I didn’t realize that the market for dick jokes was that big, to tell you the truth. (Hehe: Dick. Big.) And there’s the inevitable Penis Pill spam, which promises that I can make my member longer, wider, and harder if I take a bunch of pills, but that seems a little pricey given that I can do all three of those things for free just by hanging out at the local gym during women’s spin class. (Or at least I could until a court ordered me to stay out of there.) But today I got probably the strangest and most abstract spam mail I’ve ever received. Continue reading

“He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man.” Samuel Johnson said that, and it explains why he was seldom invited to dinner parties. He’d drink all the sherry, shit in the guest bed, and all the pets would wind up with a wicked strain of VD. But he was onto something, of that we can be sure, because people make beasts of themselves on a regular basis. There is no end to things that we will do to ourselves in a vain attempt to distract ourselves from the fact that we are human. Like watch the Love Boat, for instance. Continue reading