I noticed today that I had an awful lot of internet traffic the last couple of days. Five times as much, in fact, which was baffling because usually I have to violate some pretty major laws in order to get that much attention, and as far as I know I haven’t done anything like that in over a week. So I headed over to my Google Analytics site to see what’s what, and discovered that over 73% of my traffic the last couple of days was generated from a Google search on the phrase “God of the internet”. Really. All I can say is that it is about fucking time I got some goddamn recognition around here. You may now all bow before me. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Continue reading

I was driving to Home Depot the other day because I’m a guy, and that’s what guys do: We drive to Home Depot. We look around, find manly shit like auger bits and spackle, buy it, bring it home, then put it in the garage and have a beer. At least that’s what I do. My attitude towards home improvement products is that they should improve my home merely by coming in contact with it. If that doesn’t do the trick, clearly it’s because the home improvement products are defective. Fucking defective home improvement products. Piss me off so bad that I need another beer… Continue reading

When I was in college, some foolish company thought that they were really clever and decided to give me a credit card with a $500 limit. I immediately maxed it out on booze and rounds on a local par-3 golf course (where my friends and I often drank the booze). It was terrific fun, almost as fun as fucking with the credit card company when they began calling and demanding that I actually pay them. I would tell them that Greg was dead, he died in a tragic blimp accident, no he didn’t have any relatives, he was an orphan, etc. Sometimes my roommates would just hold the phone up and laugh at the poor bastard on the other end. “Hahaha, you stupid fucks! You give a credit card to a college student with outrageous rates and you expect him to pay you back? Morons! Hahahaha!!!” Continue reading

Do you remember the TV show Alice? Of course you don’t. That show is fucking ancient, and so it is only remembered by crusty old fucks like me who also remember doing the Lindy Hop and what it was like to get fellated by Amelia Earhart (the woman knew how to give a hummer, I’ll give her that). So let me give you a rundown: Some bitch with a kid decides to move to LA to become a singer because she’s a fucking idiot, but her car breaks down in Phoenix and she winds up working for 9 fucking years in a shit-hole diner with a cook who has more back hair then Ed Asner. Continue reading

I’m not a big fan of energy drinks, normally. I think they’re merely caffeine dressed up with whatever trendy chemicals some Madison Avenue assholes think will appeal to the average consumer. Trust me, if ground placenta became trendy, you’d be seeing cans of Rock Star for sale complete with umbilical cord. So for the most part I just drink coffee. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper, and I can be pretty sure that Chinese dissidents were not drowned in the vat it came out of. Continue reading

I vividly remember asking my mom about death when I was a child. She told me the usual things parents say in that situation: Death is natural, everyone dies, that’s the way nature works, etc. Parents say these things to reassure their children because they know that if they’re honest with them, their kids would probably hurl themselves under the next school bus they see. “Holy shit, death is fucking scary! I knew this guy who was just walking down the street when, WHAM! A pit bull ran up and tore his nuts off. Bled out before anyone could even call 911.” You shouldn’t say this to your children. I know this now. (Sorry, honey! Daddy loves you!) Continue reading

When I was young, we used to watch the Miss America Pageant on TV. Not because we liked it, mind you, but because I’m older than shit and when I grew up we only had six channels of “entertainment”. Let me tell you something: when there’s a dearth of competition like that, there is very little incentive to provide quality programming. I mean, the highlight of the week was Mork & Mindy, and if you were lucky there would be a Battle of the Network Stars on so you could once and for all settle the question: Who would win a kayak race, Jamie Farr or Charo? Continue reading

I tried going to the bank today and was really confused when I pulled on the door and it didn’t open. I went across the street to a convenience store to see if they sold money orders (which is why I was going to the bank in the first place), and when I explained why I was there and that the bank was closed for Columbus Day, the guy at the register said, “Really? That’s still a thing?” which expressed my opinion perfectly. Continue reading

I heard a Kenny Loggins song today because the radio station that plays in the common areas at my office is run by fucking sadists. Seriously, they play absolute shit even though research has shown a direct correlation between the number of times Fox On The Run plays and the number of people who show up at local emergency rooms with hot pokers jammed in their ears. Continue reading

A while back, I made a strong case for being named the Secretary of Transportation and fuck the current guy, Ray LaHood. That guy probably ass-fucks coma patients for a hobby. Ha ha! I’m just kidding! Of course a person such as Ray LaHood doesn’t fuck coma patients! He’s the head of an important department, a member of the President’s Cabinet, and hob-nobs with Department of Justice people, all of whom could probably arrange to have me set a record for longest prison sentence handed out for committing an act of libel. Ray LaHood is a saint and I’m sure that whatever ass-fucking he does is entirely within legal limits. Continue reading