In Phoenix, you spend a huge chunk of the year wearing as little clothing as possible because it’s a mind-scorching 116 degrees out. If this sounds like a benefit to you, than you haven’t seen what raging obesity looks like in hot pants. Not a pretty sight. But everyone pretty much gets a pass because your wardrobe is limited to shorts, t-shirts, and (if you’ve been hitting the sauce) roller-disco outfits. Continue reading

I’m a little pissed that the producers of How It’s Made haven’t come calling yet. If you are one of the four people in the known universe who haven’t seen How It’s Made, it’s a show that goes behind the scenes and shows the viewer the inside story of how some of our favorite products are made, such as anal beads. It’s fascinating. And even though featuring the process by which I come up with immature jokes utilizing terms such as “fuck-tard” and “ass-spelunker” could literally increase their ratings by up to as many as ten people, they haven’t come knocking. Those unmitigated fuckers. Continue reading

One of the benefits of living in Arizona is this otherworldly yahoo mentality that rears its head from time to time. The fact that the yahoo mentality is often mine is beside the point. What can I say, sometimes going into the desert to fire off a seven foot potato cannon while drinking beer is just what the doctor ordered, assuming that doctor is drunk and huffing ether of course. But a drunk doctor huffing ether would barely crack the weirdness meter down here, not with kids doing beer bongs with their assholes. Continue reading

For those of you who follow this blog and have somehow managed to avoid forcible incarceration in a room with rubber walls, it will come as no surprise to you that I am asking bands to make me sandwiches. That’s normal and expected behavior for me, and unless I am subject to forcible incarceration myself it will probably continue. One day I’m petitioning Congress to declare February 16th National Avocado In Your Pants Day, and the next day I’m asking all blind people to wear sombreros. That’s just how it goes. Sunrise, sunset. Continue reading

I work in the IT industry, which is another way of saying I’m good with computers. “What do you do?” people will ask, and I’ll say “I work in the IT industry.” Most of the time this is sufficiently vague and people will leave me alone. But all too often that person will say, “Oh, computers!” and then start to grill me as if I was their own personal tech guru. I don’t mind lending a little advice when people need it, but people need to realize that I am going to fucking punch them in the face if I ever have to answer one of the following questions again: Continue reading

And now, due to public demand, a goat repeatedly licking an electric fence.

The best network promo never to have aired.

Great, now all I can think about eating is flapjacks. Oh well, enjoy the turkey tomorrow while I’m trying to round up some syrup. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

We all have ground rules in our lives, things that we use as a handy moral compass for our daily activities. That way when we do something horrible like install a wireless webcam in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room, we can say to ourselves, “Well, that wasn’t my best moment, but at least I didn’t beat my kids today!” Then you can post the resulting footage on secretjigglefest.com with a somewhat clear conscious. (I’ll let you know when that site is up, by the way.) But while many of our ground rules may differ, there is one rule that should be iron-clad and applied across the board: If you’re hosting a party and a tranny wants you to pay her $700 to put things in your butt, you should probably pass on that. Continue reading

I estimate that I spend roughly 200 hours a year either traveling to or from work. That may seem like a lot to some people, while for others that seems like nothing. I grew up in Chicago, and when people in Phoenix complain about traffic I want to punch them in the spleen. Phoenix traffic delays are trivial while Chicago traffic delays are epic, lifelong disasters. For instance, in Chicago you’ll be driving down the highway on your way to work when you’ll notice a very large orange sign that reads, “To serve you better, the Illinois Department of Transportation announces infrastructure improvements to the Dan Ryan expressway. Traffic delays expected from January, 2012 through March, 2921.” And just like that, your life is ruined. What they should really put on the sign is, “We’re tearing the fuck out of this road, you won’t be able to get anywhere in less than a day for the remainder of your life and since this is taxpayer funded, YOU paid for it. BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! What an asshole! Fuck you! Sincerely, IDOT.” Continue reading

If you read the post yesterday explaining what String Theory is, well, sorry about that. I try to keep this blog 100% learning-free, but sometimes I lose my mind and skimp on the dick jokes. Again, sorry. But if you did read that post and stayed conscious long enough, you may have seen a picture of a Japanese boy-band named Big Bang. After finding that pic, I went on a tangent and spent a bunch of time perusing YouTube in search of nutty Japanese music videos. If you are at all familiar with Japanese culture, it goes without saying that I found more than enough insanity to keep me occupied for a lifetime. Continue reading