I don’t think I have enough hands to give this video the number of facepalms it truly deserves (29). As a result of watching it, my faith in mankind has been totally eradicated. I no longer believe in anything. I’m going to law school!

Most of the time, when I complain about the weather in Phoenix, I’m fully aware that I’m being a complete and total weather pussy. I grew up in Chicago, where wind and cold conspire to turn every day activities, like pumping gas, into life-threatening ordeals the likes of which are usually confined to a Jack London novel. So I should know better when I complain about an 80 degree day in March with no clouds in the sky because, “it’s just a little too warm for hiking.” I’ve got friends on the East Coast who have had so much snow this winter that they’ve had to leave their home via the attic and use their frozen grandmother’s corpse as a makeshift sled in a desperate bid to get food and medicine, but I’m down here getting tweaked because snakes are slightly more active when the temperatures hit 80. No word yet on whether or not they’ll film the next season of Survivor at my house. Continue reading

I’ve never been a huge fan of television. I’m not one of those pretentious pricks who prides themselves on not owning a television, mind you. I own one, and even occasionally turn it on when I feel the need to hate mankind a little more than I do already. Because, let’s face it, television is a vast, cultural cesspool. It’s like a digital version of Cleveland. Nothing good’s going to come out of it, and after visiting you feel the intense need to take a shower. Continue reading

If you’re a US citizen, like I am, then you’re lucky enough to be living in a country where even the poorest citizens are earning more than 98% of the rest of the world. Pretty awesome, right? High five! Yes, us Americans live high on the hog, which is only fitting considering what a lot of us look like. And because we’re so relatively wealthy, we do totally stupid shit like pluck our eyebrows and draw them back on with a Sharpie, or pay total strangers to rub sugar on our feet. Hell, we’re so fucking wasteful and spoiled that we drink gold. Think about that. Gold is expensive, has millions of practical uses, can be used in decorative jewelry, but fuck that: Let’s get drunk off that shit! Seriously, if we could freebase diamonds, I’m sure that’d be next. Continue reading

Pop Up Video came up in a conversation today at work, and it will come as absolutely no surprise to long time readers that I was the one that brought it up. What happened was that someone used the words “pop up” in a sentence, I hummed the music, made the pop up noise, and then trotted out a semi-obscene “fact” about the speaker, hinting that maybe they’d had sexual intercourse with a llama. I think. It’s hard for me to tell what really happens at work since they stated forcibly medicating me. But morphine and jimson weed aside, I definitely started talking about Pop Up Video at work today, which makes the entire day a success in my book. Continue reading

I watched a guy lose his shit in public yesterday. I was driving home when I saw a school bus driver lay on the horn, skid the bus to an immediate halt, turn red in the face, and unleash a stream of what I assume were profanities if the shocked expressions the children in the back were wearing were any indication. Just stone cold lost it, and the reason why? No reason. He was screaming at a car that was driving normally in its own lane. Maybe the guy just has some sort of weird version of Tourette’s Syndrome which causes him to explode into profanity whenever he sees a Honda Civic. Continue reading

Because I use my iPhone as my alarm clock, I was blasted out of bed at 3:26 this morning by an Amber Alert, I guess to let me know that I should report any missing 16 year old girls that happened to be in my bed. The only time in my life that I was interested in getting 16 year old girls into bed was when I was 16, of course, and that phase passed pretty quickly because 16 year old girls are fucking nutso. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep, getting up three hours later when Siri told me to. Continue reading

I work in IT, which is what us propellor-headed Poindexters call the computer industry when we’re not busy hacking into your home computers through virus-laden websites (such as this one!) to take a look at what kind of porn you’re into. Yes, we do that, and frankly we are disgusted. And aroused. Mostly aroused, actually. It takes a lot to disgust us. Continue reading

A coworker asked me this morning if I had seen the Grammy’s last night. The answer, of course, was no. I had better things to do, like shave my balls with a cheese grater. Why the fuck would I watch the Grammy’s? If I wanted to watch a group of sub-literates perform a mass reach-around in public, I’d go to the monkey house at the fucking zoo. “Well, Led Zeppelin won the Grammy for best rock album.” And what do you know? They did. Continue reading

Dear Domino’s “Am I in a tunnel?” guy,

Go fuck yourself. Painfully, repeatedly, and with a Tabasco chaser. I am so sick and fucking tired of your horrible, wooden acting, I can’t even begin to describe it. Actually, I can begin to describe it: If I had, in my control, a nuclear arsenal capable of wiping all sentient life off of the surface of this planet, I would be sorely tempted to use it just to eliminate the stain on the human race that you have caused with your shitty acting. The only reason that I would not use it immediately would be for fear that a stray TV signal would leak out into the cosmos and millions of light years later would wind up psychologically maiming an innocent species of intelligent life. And so I would hold off on nuking the planet until I could perfect the technology to end the entire universe. That’s how shitty you are. Continue reading