My eleven year old daughter came home from a day at the mall with friends this weekend, and she told me that her school bus driver drives the little mall choo-choo on weekends. I guess she must really enjoy driving kids around, which puts her in a minority of one. Because, let’s face it, kids are a fucking nightmare on the road. My kids, when they’re not pissing, shitting, or puking in the back seat, will either be grinding food into the upholstery or punching each other in the teeth. Sometimes all of these at the same time.
So I’m glad that my kids have a bus driver who has received a lobotomy so thorough that she enjoys her job. Not all bus drivers are like this, however. And so as a public service (thereby meeting the conditions of my probation), I present to you this list of things that, should you hear them uttered by your child’s bus driver, will cause you to report him. Unless it means that you will have to drive your kids to school, in which case I say take your chances.
- C’mon, hurry up! I need to get you to school before the shrooms kick in!
- No passing zone, my ass!
- Ok, now which one of these foot thingies make the bus… you know… go?
- You kids ever visit Tijuana?
- Where is the nearest drive-thru liquor store?
- Once I walked in the house and saw Chris Hansen standing there, well I just knew I’d been had.
- They laughed when I told them I could install nitro-boost on a school bus, but who’s laughing now?
- As a matter of fact, Evel Knievel is a relative of mine. Why do you ask?
- Would you just fucking relax? We all just get reincarnated anyway.
- Hold on, kids. I’m gonna try something.
- Dammit, why can’t they make a speedometer in Braille?
- Look, I know what I’m talking about. I’m very familiar with the penal code for vehicular homicide.
- Hey kids, Mr. Bus Driver is really hungover. Who wants to drive this morning?
- I’m really feeling it today! This ride to school has New High Score written all over it!
- I know a shortcut through the Air Force bombing range.
- I can’t wait to start driving the Junior High bus. Those kids have much better meth.
- Watch your step kids! No pushing! Hey, Sally, nice tits!
- Who? The guy in the orange jumpsuit? Oh, he’s just a hitchhiker I picked up.