Whether you like the man or not, President Barack Obama is suffering from an approval rating so low that a recent poll concluded that he is “more popular than herpes, but trailing significantly behind anal polyps.” In fact, at this point in the presidential election cycle it is hard to imagine a Republican challenger who could not defeat him in an election. (The Republican Party being what it is, however, is sure to find one.)
And so it was during a lull in my daily activities (working, parenting, huffing paint thinner) that I began to mentally run down the odds fictional characters would have against the incumbent President. And of course, whenever I start thinking about fictional characters, I start thinking of the Brady Bunch.
Those of you lucky enough to know me (but stupid enough to admit it) will already know that my obsession with all things Brady Bunch goes back a long way. To be truthful, it can be a pain in the ass sometimes. For instance, picture a long-haired singer in a college rock band scoring drugs from a heavily tattooed mechanic in the middle of rebuilding a transmission. Now picture that singer casually mentioning that he knows the Brady family’s street address. Now picture what happens next. (Hint: It involves frequent usage of the term “fucking narc”.)
Having survived an attack with an air hammer makes you cautious, and so I only use my Brady Bunch knowledge for good. And, ok, every once in a while I use it to score weed. On to the rules for setting odds on a mock presidential election:
- The election will take place between Barack Obama as of this writing, and the Brady Bunch character (and not the actor playing the character). So while Obama might win an election over Florence Henderson, he may very well lose to Carol Brady.
- We take into account Mr. Obama’s election team and factor in the effect of any dirty tricks, smear tactics, etc. This is carefully balanced against the Brady Bunch’s demonstrated ability to rally others to their cause no matter how asinine.
- For the purposes of this discussion, we are assuming that any physical confrontation between Mr. Obama and Cindy Brady results in Peter Brady intervening and whipping the President’s ass:
The Candidate: Mike Brady
The Platform: Pro-being nice, Pro-talking things out, Pro-reminding you what a wise man once said
Notes: Notably strong on fiscal responsibility and budgetary issues, Mike Brady displays great leadership but lacks the resolve necessary to navigate international affairs where force is concerned. Given a hypothetical campaign tour of Iraq, one can easily imagine Mr. Brady stopping to talk some sense to jihadists and the resulting coverage of them using his head as a soccer ball.
Key To Winning: Mike Brady’s ability to withstand the slings and arrows of opponents without coming off as a pussy, wimp, or nerd. And while it’s important to distinguish between Mr. Brady and the actor who portrayed him, can you imagine Fox News not making an issue of his sexuality?
Odds Of Winning: 20% if we’re talking about the clean cut Mr. Brady, 50% if we’re talking about the curly-haired Mr. Brady who looked like he was on his way to attend a particularly square orgy (which at least makes him seem as cool as Obama).
The Candidate: Carol Brady
The Platform: Pro-women’s rights, Pro-being a housewife, sewing, doing laundry, and any other activity not usually associated with women’s rights, Pro-indentured servitude (Alice)
Notes: Mrs. Brady’s biggest asset is her niceness, which is also her greatest liability. Hillary Clinton may be a bitch, but she garners respect because deep down you believe she just might be capable of poisoning your children if you cross her. Carol Brady is as feared as a mild summer breeze, making her election an uphill battle at best.
Key To Winning: Secretly being that type of person and actually poisoning the children of all of her opponents.
Odds Of Winning: 1%. She’s just too nice. Any poisoning she does will be entirely incidental and due to the fact that she usually lets Alice do the cooking.
The Candidate: Greg Brady
The Platform: Pro-girls, Pro-music, Pro-moving into the den, Pro-anything nerds consider cool
Notes: If elected, Greg Brady would become the first President ever to have received more than five swirlies in his lifetime. He would also be the first President to have laughed the swirlies off as “just something the fellas did as a joke. Those guys!” Greg Brady would also become the first sitting President to receive a swirlie administered by a bipartisan committee of legislators and Supreme Court Justices.
Key To Winning: Usually nerds are aware of their nerdish leanings. Greg Brady is so unaware he is not considered cool that he may be able to use it as a strength. If enough voters find his candidacy “hilarious” and cast ballots accordingly, he may become the second President elected as a joke (the first being Jimmy Carter).
Odds Of Winning: 0%. Have you ever watched the Brady Bunch? Greg Brady cannot get away with anything. He takes one drag off a cigarette and Cindy just happens to be walking by. He glances at an album cover when he’s driving, and Bobby inadvertently rats him out while praising his accident avoidance skills. Greg Brady would run for office, take a five dollar bribe and then get caught because his news anchor next door neighbor just happened to know the first cousin of the exterminator of the guy who offered the bribe.
The Candidate: Marcia Brady
The Platform: Pro-after school activities, Pro-abstinence, Pro-football reform (not to the nose)
Notes: Tends to withdraw from general elections with little or no excuse, often saying “Something suddenly came up!”, so there will be great skepticism when she claims to be able to “go all the way” this time.
Key To Winning: Marcia needs to select a strong running mate in order to have a chance. Unfortunately, rumors that she will tag Davey Jones as her VP (because he’s “positively dreamy”) lead many to believe she is not a candidate to be taken seriously.
Odds Of Winning: 0%. The fact that she promises to redecorate the White House in paisley may not doom her, but the fact that the voting bloc of “Guys with blue balls who dated Marcia Brady” is so surprisingly strong does.
The Candidate: Peter Brady
The Platform: Pro-pork chops, Pro-applesauce
Notes: Look, William Howard Taft may have been able to get elected President while spending most of his time in drag, but in this day and age even the faintest hint of cross gender scandal is enough to doom a candidate. Why do you think no one takes Ron Paul seriously?
Key To Winning: Opponents losing their minds and backing legislation to make possession of the above picture a felony, and discussion of it punishable by death.
Odds Of Winning: 0% unless he works on his image and passes himself off as Hillary Clinton. Then his odds go up to 1%.
The Candidate: Jan Brady
The Platform: Pro-death penalty (for Marcia), Pro-women’s rights (for anyone but Marcia), Pro-military draft (for Marcia) – Wait, Marcia met a cute boy in basic training? I AM GOING TO SCREAM!
Notes: Jan Brady is surprisingly astute and capable of intelligent discourse on even the most obscure political subject. But no candidate has ever won office after inexplicably appearing at a debate in a black afro, and no candidate has ever been elected after having received electro-shock therapy.
Key To Winning: A large, inexhaustible supply of powerful psychotropic drugs. And if the candidate is exposed to a reporter, opponent, political handler, or voter named Marcia, the jig is up.
Odds Of Winning: 0%. Jan Brady could have a 40% lead in the polls with 87% of all precincts reporting and in the middle of her acceptance speech, Dan Rather would interrupt with the shocking news that the nation had just elected Marcia Brady. The resulting freakout would be the most liked video on Youtube of all time.
The Candidate: Bobby Brady
The Platform: Pro-law, Pro-order, Pro-doing whatever the fuck Bobby Brady says, asshole!
Notes: Seen in many camps as a very strong contender, Bobby Brady has experience with elected office, holding the office of School Safety Monitor (Season 4, Episode 14, Law and Disorder) for close to 17 minutes. Bobby’s term in office was marked by ultra-hard line adherence to the letter of law, and if you didn’t like it, you could just rot in fucking jail and deal with it. While many claim that the episode shows Bobby learning the error of his ways, those closest to him insist that the lesson he actually learned was to “leave no witnesses alive”.
Key To Winning: The publisher convincing him that Mein Kampf II is not a good title for his memoir.
Odds Of Winning: 75%. In an American landscape where civil liberties have been sacrificed in order to win the War on Terror, Bobby Brady could run away with the election and leave a swath of dead bodies in his wake.
The Candidate: Cindy Brady
The Platform: Pro-Kitty Karry-All, Anti-Buddy Hinton
Notes: Cindy Brady is seen as a political lightweight which may boost her chances if a political Svengali decides to use her as a political puppet as was the case with George W. Bush and Satan.
Key To Winning: Having her brother Peter beat up anyone who runs against her.
Odds Of Winning: 5%. The last President to overcome a speech impediment (Jimmy Carter) had to take extreme measures to overcome it (hired an actor to play his hillbilly brother to make him look sophisticated by comparison).
The Candidate: Alice Nelson
The Platform: Pro-lunch, Pro-breakfast, Pro-dinner, Pro-laundry, Pro-family
Notes: Alice Nelson was the long time live-in maid for the Brady Bunch. Or at least that’s what she would have you believe. In reality, Alice was the person who knew where all the levers and switches were that made that family work. Jan flipping the fuck out again? She needs a locket from a secret admirer. Does Carol feel neglected because the boys still see Alice as their mother figure? Simply tell them she’s too busy to bandage their skinned knees. Catch Greg masturbating to National Geographic again? Just give him a quick hand-job in the attic.
The very qualities that made Alice Nelson a successful maid are the exact qualities we look for in a President. The President needs to know what needs to be done and be able to get it done no matter what. If Alice could keep the Brady house clean despite its lack of a toilet, she can certainly keep America beautiful.
Key To Winning: Hunting down and burning all remaining tapes depicting sado-masochistic relationship with Sam the Butcher
Odd Of Winning: 100%. Everyone loves Alice. Barack Obama doesn’t stand a chance, but if he plays his cards right, she may make him a sandwich.