The Week In Review
I hate discovering things that make it seem like I’ve turned into a total pussy. For my birthday, my wife got me the Steve Jobs biography, but instead of getting me the Kindle version, she got me the actual hardcover book. Holy shit is that thing fucking heavy! How the hell did anyone read these things without their wrists snapping under the load? Yes, my wrists hurt when reading a hardcover book now, because I am a pussy. And old. I’m an old pussy. I fucking hate that. Ever reach for a beer and strain a muscle in your neck? It makes you feel like a large, musclebound dude is about to come over and kick sand in your face.
I, of course, blame my children for this. It used to be that to them, I was the strongest man in the world. “Do you think Daddy could lift the whole house up over his head?” I’d ask them. They’d nod, smiling, knowing that if anything were to go wrong, daddy would instantly go into ass-kicking overdrive, hurling buses and convenience stores at bad guys if need be, because that’s how fucking manly daddy is. Now, however, they’re old enough to use logic and things aren’t adding up for old Daddy who hasn’t been seen hurling one automobile lately, and has been known to say things like, “No you can’t ride on my shoulders! You’re eleven! You want to break my back?”
And of course, once your kids start treating you like you’re feeble, any confidence you had goes flying out the window. I used to actually start believing that yeah, maybe if we took all the furniture out, maybe I could lift the house. Or at least shove it over a couple of inches. Now I go into my daughter’s room to help her rearrange things, and I pause before I move her dollhouse shaped bookcase while I think to myself, “Ok, do this right… Don’t fuck up your back.” I used to be able to move houses, and now I’m afraid to move the one Barbie lives in.
At least I know I can still take all three of my kids in a fight. It’d be no contest. I would wipe the fucking floor with them. But, and this is the shitty thing, I’m probably only a decade away from that no longer being the case. Once my middle son gets to be well into his teens, I’m screwed. So I’m thinking of taking precautionary measures. I either have to stunt their growth by getting them to start smoking or I have to be extra lenient with them. That’s why bed time is now 2:00 AM around here. Sure, it’s a lot louder a lot later than normal, and there’s an assload of crying going on, but that’s when they’d like to go to bed, so lenient daddy is a-ok with that. Then, ten years from now when they finally decide to mutiny, their sleep-deprived little bodies will fail them and I will go to fucking town on them.
That's right, don't forget that your old man can whip your ass! Now here's $100. Go have a good time at prom.
On to the week you missed because you tweaked something walking up the stairs…
- On Tuesday, we all agreed that America’s presidential election cycle sucks donkey balls.
- On Wednesday, we learned not to trust anyone named Andy, which explains why I punched Andy Griffith in the face last week.
- On Thursday, Samuel L. Jackson said a whole fucking shitload of curse words to our kids, and we loved him for it.
- On Friday, we discovered that we will never look at Danimals Crush Cups the same way again.
- And on Saturday, we learned that our instincts were correct after all: The rent is too damn high.
Let’s pay some bills (which we don’t have), by plugging a sponsor’s product (who doesn’t know about it and will probably sue when they find out). It’s Involuntary Advertising:
Finally, the results of last week’s hotly contested poll are in. The sitcom character you would most like to beat with a hammer is The Nanny’s Fran Fine with 35% of the vote.
[poll id=”2″]
I am very happy with the results of this poll as I find Fran Drescher’s laugh to be the single most annoying thing in the universe, just ahead of discovering that Carrot Top has been using your brush to style his pubes. Ugh, just thinking about that laugh makes me want to go take another crap on her driveway. The rest of the voting doesn’t surprise me very much except for the fact that no one found Ricky Schroeder’s character in Silver Spoons worthy of a Black and Decker beatdown. I fucking hated that show with every fiber of my being. “Oh, hey, a super spoiled rich kid who gets whatever the fuck he wants, engages in wacky hijinks with his friends and his mega-rich dad rides a miniature train around the house. Say, I can relate to that!”
It’s a new week, so go out there and really make a difference. Or have a beer. What the fuck do I care?
I couldn’t remember what Silver Spoons was about – but now that you mention it, yes, it sucked.
You’re one of the lucky ones. Your post-traumatic stress disorder has happily erased it from your memory. Me? I’ve had to use oceans of booze.
Do you know what the worst porn would be? Fran and Carrot Top. He walks in and says he’s the plumber and he’s here to fix her pipes, and she does that laugh, and then he starts pulling stupid things out of his toolbox and she makes dumb hand gestures, and then ….
Last night I strained my neck just sitting on the couch looking at something slightly to my left. Kill me.
I honestly believe that under the authority of the President, the Constitution would be suspended and both of those two would be sterilized for the good of the nation should they hook up. Preferably with a curling iron.
Argh. You always take it just that one small step too far.
Now they have a sob story in my heart! Sterilization by curling iron – good god man. Everyone knows you do it with a potato peeler.
If Squatch happens by the comments, he’ll tell you that I have a long history of using the phrase, “neuter you with a lobster fork”.
It’s 100% true. The ambassador from Costa Rica, who Greg insulted while the ambassador visited campus, used his pull to get Greg banned for life from Red Lobster – and Long John Silver’s – in retaliation.
Gotta watch what you say to Costa Ricans.
That guys wasn’t the ambassador from Costa Rica, he was just an asshole. Ok, he could’ve been both. But I gave him what he deserved because being an asshole trumps being an ambassador.
The only thing worse than being a pussy is an old pussy….
But I feel you on the laziness part. Whenever I see my kids, they both want to be carried, or have one of those 5 minute ‘walking’ hugs. They’re 4 and 6, and getting heavy.
I may start working out again. I won’t be satisfied until I can bench-press at least *3* Steve Jobs books!!
Yeah, my three year old refuses to go up or down the stairs if a parent is handy. “Carry me! Carry me!” When my back gives out and I drop him down the stairs, he’ll see the error of his ways.
I missed the voting, but I am not surprised that Willie Ames “Buddy” would not be abused- because Willie Ames is comic genius. Charles- that is definitely who I’d bash with a hammer.
Scott Baio has a couple of characters like that. Chachi?
Don’t discount the heaviness of Barbie’s house. That bitch has a lot of shit. In fact, I think she’s a shopaholic and should probably get some help. I heard she was turning tricks behind the Quicky Mart so she could buy the new Kardashian Kollection on QVC.
She’s probably turning tricks next to the Kardashians.
I remember one time declining some offer my kids had made and one of them said, “I’ll be Kyle (my little brother) could do it.”
I immediately retracted my denial, did the deed and walked off proudly, but my back paid for it for the next week.
Now, they are old enough I can just throw some cash at them and tell them to go away.
I had a problem buying my kids off until I realized that I can then deduct the expense at 4,200 times the normal rate by claiming they are blind, Asian war veterans who contracted syphilis while being exposed to Agent orange.
“take another crap on her driveway.”? Have you already done it once?
Shhh! Until the statute of limitations runs out, I admit nothing!
Why wouldn’t Campbell’s love that ad?
I thought that was the message they were trying to portray?
That would explain their new soup: White Power Gumbo.