The Week In Review


Ok, I know I’ve already spent some time railing against horrible intercom music being forced down my throat, but at the risk of sounding like a broken record I have to tell you about going grocery shopping today. Normally, I don’t even notice the music at the grocery store. In fact, my wife will sometimes say to me, “Hey! Listen! Do you hear what they’re playing?” and I can’t hear a damn thing. But today I could hear the music loud and clear, and as a result, I have a new rule: If your commercial establishment plays We Built This City loud enough for anyone to hear it, I am legally obligated to burn your store to the fucking ground.

Now I have been made aware by my kids that I am the oldest person on the face of the planet, and so as a service to those of my readers who are unfamiliar with this alleged music, I am including the music video below. Please only use it to jog your memory, or listen to the first ten seconds or so. Do not listen to this song in its entirety, as prolonged exposure to We Built This City has been scientifically proven to cause seizures, anal cancer, and spontaneous decapitation.

Gahhh… It only takes about seven seconds of that to really ruin your day, doesn’t it? Here’s another rule: Anybody who sings the lyrics “Knee deep in the hoopla” needs to be kneed deep in the crotch. For God’s sake, man, do you not have an ounce of humanity?

Ok, let’s get that unpleasantness behind us and move on to Important News in the World Of Practical Science Applications. The following headline comes from the Huffington Post: Rats Laugh When Tickled. Thank goodness we finally got that squared away, right? I mean, tickling rats isn’t something I would have done before, but know that I know that they’ll laugh when I do it, fuck, I’m going to be spending all of my spare time tickling those beady-eyed little fuckers.

Next study: Do rats laugh when you get them stoned?

Next study: Do rats laugh when you get them stoned?

Who the fuck is the scientist who comes up with this study, who funds it, and where the fuck can I get some of what they’re smoking? “You know, Dr. Freep, I’ve been spending a lot of time wondering whether or not rats laugh when you tickle them…”

“Hmmm, that’s an interesting question, Dr. Spungo. So interesting in fact, that I’m going to drop everything I’m doing to help you design a scientific study to answer this very question.”

“But… But Dr. Freep! That means the end of your study on the psychological implications of yelling at beets!”

“I know, I know. But science must march onward, Dr. Spungo!”

What mystifies me is the total lack of scientific rigor that should have been applied to this finding that would have resulted in another wonderful headline: Washington State Researchers Act Like Morons After Huffing Bleach.

Ok, on to the last couple of weeks you missed while you were wondering where “This City” is located, and whether or not a tactical nuke would take it out entirely.

While we’re on the subject of Piranhaconda, we may as well show you the trailer. I urge you to see this movie as many times as humanly possible, which as of this writing is zero.

Normally at this point in the ramblings, I’d introduce our Involuntary Advertiser and risk a libel lawsuit. But I’ve instead decided to punish my readership further with more shitty music that I’ve been subjected to at the office. This is the Bay City Rollers, with Saturday Night, an absolutely shitty song. The video, however, is either the worst video of all time, or the best. You be the judge.

Holy. Fucking. Shit. I don’t even know where to begin with that video, so I won’t even try other than to say if I found myself at this concert without a 50 gallon drum full of Napalm I would shoot myself in the head.

Ok, on to our latest Poll of the Moment:

What is the most likely reason why aliens would invade our planet and eradicate humanity?

  • Must locate and destroy Tom Cruise before he becomes a threat to Xenu. (44%, 8 Votes)
  • Shits and grins. (22%, 4 Votes)
  • Hired by Bonobo monkeys who are sick and fucking tired of being pushed around. (17%, 3 Votes)
  • Intergalactic Macarena infestation traced back to Earth. (11%, 2 Votes)
  • Intercepted old Facts of Life sitcom transmission, intent on revenge. (6%, 1 Votes)

Total Voters: 18

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As you can see, aliens agree with Katie Holmes: Tom Cruise and his wacky bunch of religious nutballs must be stopped.

Ok, that’s it. Enjoy the week, and if you live in the U.S. of A., try to blow some shit up on Wednesday. Showing up in the emergency room missing fingers is your duty as an American!

10 Responses to “The Week In Review”

  1. lefty891 says:

    Thanks just shitloads, Greg! I didn’t even have to play the damned video for “We Built This Shitty..” as it’s still hardwired in from the 80s. You know, when they played the damned thing every fifteen minutes? Oh well; time to boot up iTunes and let the melodious sound of Blue Oyster Cult’s homage to Godzilla stomp that sucker out of my brain.

  2. Vesta Vayne says:

    Jeezus, Michael Madson will do anything for a paycheck. Sadly, I’ve seen one of two of his movies that make Piranhaconda look like an Oscar winner.

    It’s been a long fall from Usual Suspects. Poor Michael.

    • Greg says:

      Yeah, he must be a pain in the balls to work with or something. Well, more that the usual, run of the mill, self centered prima donnas in that industry.

  3. Rusty says:

    I’ve seen rock and roll, and I would ask my builder for a more solid foundation.

    Plus that song isn’t even rock and roll, it is an aural representation of war crimes.

    • Greg says:

      If we wanted to invite a war with neighboring alien worlds, beaming this song across interstellar space would be the surest way to go about doing it.

  4. Vonny says:

    Thanks heaps for giving me an earworm of that bloody song. I am playing some Etta James to try to clear my head, but even Etta is finding the going hard.

    Perhaps when the rat-tickle-antidepressant comes on the market, you might want to put your name down for some. It could rid you of your obsessive hatred of beets, again making an appearance in this post. Beets, Greg. Beeeeeettts!

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