The Week In Review
As those of you who live in the United States know, September 3rd was Labor Day which, according to Wikipedia, is a holiday that “celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers”. We celebrate this by doing no labor whatsoever, which is kind of weird given the name of the holiday. They really should change the name to “Sleep In Because You Drank Way Too Much The Entire Weekend Day”. And Wikipedia could update the purpose of the holiday by adding a few words top say that it “celebrates the economic and social contributions of workers by getting shithouse wasted and waking up on the front lawn.”
Ok, so it wasn’t quite that crazy over here. I did go through an awful lot of beer, however, so I’m counting the weekend as a success. Another reason to be happy is the fact that I’ve got three (count ’em: three) essays included in the just released eBook, All Cracked Up, which you can buy right fucking here. I’ll be honest with you, if you don’t go out and buy 47 copies of this book, I’m going to tell Oprah that you live on top of the world’s largest deposit of naturally occurring fudge, and then let’s face it: You are fucked. Your body will be sucked up in Oprah’s giant, yawning maw along with your furniture, pets, and any other even remotely carbon-based material. The woman’s appetite for fudge knows no bounds. So buy that fucking book.
For those of you familiar with this site, some of the names of the authors in this collection will be very familiar. Gloria and Pish edited the book, Heather illustrated it, and Bryan Pedas wrote the foreword. I’m surprised that Bryan wrote the foreword, to tell you the truth, because I figured he had something against forewords. After all, I wrote an utterly kick ass foreword to his book, and what did I get out of it? Fucking nothing, that’s what. I tried to sue the fucker out of existence, but my lawyer told me that lawsuits such as mine, “don’t tend to succeed here on Planet Earth”. Gahhh…
Plan B is in progress.
Anyway, here is a list of authors whose works you will find sandwiched around my profanity-laden collections of dick jokes in this book. They’re quite good, (yes, even Bryan’s foreword) and I think it is safe to say that this will be the best selling book of all time. Take that, Jesus!
- Me!
- Mayor Gia
- Whoa! Susannah
- Ken Inatractor
- Leanne Moffat
- One Day I’ll Be That Guy
- Brett Minor
- Rusty Hartup
- Working Dan
- Six Fingered Monkey
- Mike Young
- Incoherent Ramblings Of A Moose
- Misty’s Laws
- The Reverend Back It On Up 13 (Simian Idiot)
- Creative Devolution
- Gloria
- Pish Posh
All right, that’s enough taking care of business, let’s get on to what you missed the last couple of weeks while you were swilling beer by the paint bucket:
- A couple of Tuesdays ago, we learned that you can rent a friend. And no, not like that. Well, maybe. Let’s just play it by ear, ok?
- A couple of Wednesdays ago, I penned another mammoth blockbuster: 4,000 words on what a lush I was in college.
- A couple of Thursdays ago, I asked Gopher to sign my cock. No, really. I did that. I really should take my meds.
- Two Fridays ago, we learned that small, doll-loving girls are probably the vehicle by which Satan will return to rule this planet.
- Last Tuesday, I wrote an email to someone. They did not respond.
- Last Wednesday, we learned that my three year old talks like a racist cracker and also why you should be more careful when naming your dog.
- Last Thursday, I disclosed all of the rules I have divined from being kicked out of numerous funerals.
- And just this last Friday, oh, for the love of… What the fuck, Japan?
On to the poll of the moment, which I’d like to point out stayed open during hurricane Isaac, unlike a certain bunch of pussies in Tampa I could mention:
[poll id=”18″]
As you can see, a lot of people thought that “Strangle the Priest” sounds like a deviant sex act, as in “Yeah, I had Cindy over to my apartment, and we played Strangle the Priest all night. Do you know any cosmetic surgeons who specialize in genitals?” What can I say, you people are bunch of dirty, filthy perverts, and I love you all.
Is that it? Yeah, that’s it for now. Enjoy the short week, my American friends. For the rest of you, I hope it started off well for you. At least I hope it started off well for you if you BOUGHT THIS BOOK.
Yay for the book, all kinds of awesome bloggers in it!
It is currently the NY Times #1 Bestseller! [needs citation]
The book is awesome. Your entries are still hilarious
Interestingly enough, I’ve had three of the six “dubious” foods on the quiz, but all six sex acts. One is more like a felony.
Someone has found my site by searching “What is a rusty gate sex act?”
They didn’t leave a comment. Now I have to know the answer, do you know what it is?
I do know what it is, but only because I just looked it up.
I would’ve thought it was a variant of the rusty trombone.
So… if I’m swinging like a rusty gate… does that mean I just took a drunk poo at a club and now hitting the floor?
If I’ve learned anything from this, it’s that my site is too wholesome. I might have to change it up to warrant such searches. Or say fuck more.
Hey, it works for me.
I’d like to add that it is also a holiday in which radio shows unironically talk about unions are dead and irrelevant and the market economy doesn’t rely on workers, and in which teachers have to fight for collective bargaining rights. Oh shooz. I better have more wine.
Congrats on the book! Your stories came out excellently!!
Let’s sell some copies!! Ask that casino if they want to buy your book.
I’m strangling a priest right now. And I like it.
I should totally begin a long, weird correspondence with Elisa. That would be hilarious. Just make it seem like we’re old friends, and ramble weirdly on insane topics. Excellent idea, Pish.
I guess I need to write a book promotion post. Running around the streets screaming, I’m a published author, bitches!! isn’t getting the response I had hoped for.
Unless the response you’re looking for involves being forcibly restrained and placed in a room with rubber wallpaper.