The Week In Review
Let’s talk about guns. Firearm ownership is, I know, a very polarizing subject. There are many among us who wish that guns were banned outright. Others believe that gun ownership is central to our identity as Americans and still serves as protection against an increasingly overbearing government. Then there are people who just want to marry a bitch and shoot themselves some goddamn guns.
Case in point, customers of D. Geller & Son Jewelry in Cobb Country, Georgia are taking advantage of a novel promotion: Buy her a diamond ring, get yourself a free hunting rifle! I think this is wonderful. Throw in some pork rinds and Pabst Blue Ribbon, and it’s like having an instant wedding, albeit the kind of wedding where you find yourself arguing about things such as whether or not the groom has to wear shoes. Or teeth.
Guns get a bad rap, in my opinion. Yes, guns can be used to do some pretty horrible things. But so can television. You ever watch the CW Network? Lead paint is illegal because it makes kids stupid, yet the CW is allowed on the air? What the fuck? And on the other side of the coin, you can’t convince me that our freedom is significantly reduced by restricting guns that fire more than three rounds per second and can travel through bullet-proof vests and children’s hospitals. If the government can control whether I can possess a nuke, they should also be allowed to control whether or not I own a gun capable of laying low an entire Shriner’s convention in thirty seconds. It’s just common sense.
The one problem I have with guns isn’t really a problem with guns, but rather a problem with how our society worships violence. I find it profoundly fucked up that children can, with very little effort, turn on a TV station showing people shooting each other in the face in graphic detail and that’s ok, but if Janet Jackson shows a nipple during the Super Bowl, everyone loses their collective shit. So I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re a parent, march into your kid’s room right now and confiscate all of their toy guns. Then replace them with toy tits.
If you can’t find these at Toys R Us, feel free to ask a salesperson.
Ok, enough semi-serious shit, let’s get on with what you missed the last few weeks while you were drooling to 90210 on the CW. (Yes, that 90210, and it’s on the CW because nothing is too vapid for that network.)
- A few Wednesdays ago, I chronicled balls. Big, brass balls.
- Three Thursdays ago, we went on a random video spree, which was great news if you’re the kind of person that likes watching a grown woman face plant in another woman’s ass (but not like that).
- Two Thursdays ago, YEAH, FUCK YEAH, WOOOOOO-HOOOOOOO!
- Last Monday, we learned that I have a likable weiner.
- Last Wednesday, I made a push for gainful employment. Oh, wait. No I didn’t. I tried to land an executive position with the government, which is not gainful employment. Sorry.
- Last Thursday, we relived the glory days when men wore mullets, and every problem could be solved with a Bic pen, scotch tape, and Macadamia nuts.
- RICO, YOU DUMB FUCK. BANG THAT CHICK HARD! Ugh. Last Friday, I got worked up about fictional characters not having sex because I don’t take my meds.
- And on Saturday, we learned that the late Charles Bronson did a lot of mincing and self-rubbing at home.
Ok, that’s the week (or two, or three) in review. Now let’s get this party started. Tomorrow: 5,000 words on who had the largest penis: JFK, Wilt Chamberlain, or Bea Arthur.
(Hint)
Haha the toy nipples are great. XD You’re right, the dichotomy between what’s acceptable violence-wise and sexuality-wise is astounding.
Especially since, yunno, we DO want kids to grow up and have healthy, fulfilling, wonderful sexual relationships, right? Even if it’s awkward to think about, all kids are gonna grow up eventually.
But who in the hell would want their kid to grow up to be a violently maniacal person who shoots people for kicks and giggles?
But who in the hell would want their kid to grow up to be a violently maniacal person who shoots people for kicks and giggles?
Hmmm, how big of an advance would I get on the movie rights?
I always love the week in review. This one has another “favorite line” in it…..which I will not repeat.
I grew up in a house loaded with automatic weaponry. Even as a kid I thought, “who in their right mind sold this gun to my father?”
Oh, I hate when you do that. You have to tell me! Look, just give me the first three words!
It involves the Super Bowl. And if I could get away with that language I’d tweet that sentence once a day for the next several months. So funny!!!!
Wow, the laws in Texas are stricter than I thought!
Put a censor bar over those nipples right now. What the hell is the matter with you? Breasts are gross things, not to be seen, ever.
I’m going to buy 40,000 pair and drop them into the next Super Bowl to see what happens.
In my experience, most people that think all guns should be banned have no experience with them.
It is unbelievably weird to me that ultra violence is a-okay for kids, but anything involving nudity or sex is terrible.
I was anti-gun, but not rabidly so, until I started shooting them. Once I had a little experiences and learned the inviolable rules (i.e. never point a gun at anything you don’t want dead, every gun is loaded, etc.) I realized they were nothing more than a tool.
Toy Nippies now at Toys R Us 😀
I agree…it’s horrible how we are so gore hungry, or however you may call that. How you see even six and seven year olds playing Black Ops or other horrible shooting games, firing toy guns at each other shouting, “Die, DIE!” As if war is all just a game…
Yes, I agree. I’m going to take away all my kid’s violent video games and replace them with hard core porn.
That picture at the top is what all non Americans think Americans look like. Especially the French.
That’s ok, because we think all French people are cowards, so we can send one of those yahoos over there to take over their whole country.
(And for the record, we do not look like that. Some of us have less teeth.)