Another day, another headline about gunplay in an elementary school. In this case, it was an AK-47 wielding man who fired off a bunch of rounds because, yeah, that makes total sense. “God damn Obama! My taxes are too fucking high! I can’t get a job! And the Bilderberg Group secretly controls women, so I can’t get a hand job! I’ma murder me some motherfuckin’ toddlers!” Seriously, what the fucking fuck, people? I can’t say that there’s a preferred group of people to shoot in a maniacal rampage, but I’m pretty fucking certain children aren’t in that group. Get a fucking grip, or barring that, just go play with a toaster in the bathtub, asshole. Continue reading

One of the great things about the internet is that it gives you access to strange headlines from around the world. I grew up in a rural suburb of Chicago, so I was limited to the headlines from my local newspaper (“Nothing is happening”), Chicago’s newspaper (“Voter turnout high in cemeteries”), and occasionally we’d get a glimpse of Milwaukee’s newspaper (“Sausage Good!”). Now, with the advent of the internet, I can learn, with one click of a mouse, that people are avoiding forced marriages by jamming cutlery in their underwear: Spoon in underwear saving youths from forced marriage. Continue reading

I was putting some gas in my Jeep this afternoon, when a man at the next pump approached and asked me for directions to a well known road in the area. We then proceeded to get into an argument after I provided him with simple, easy to understand directions and he insisted that I was wrong. I even pulled up the directions on my iPhone, and he still insisted that I was wrong. “You’re no help at all,” he said as he turned away. “Thanks a lot.” Continue reading

Are you lonely? Is there an empty void in your life that can only be filled by enslaving small woodland creatures? Have multiple lobotomies left you incapable of performing even the most basic of pet maintenance tasks? Have you been consuming lead paint chips like fucking Doritos your entire life? If you answered “Yes” to any of those questions, you’re probably going to want to start masturbating furiously because I have the answer to all of your problems: The Perfect Polly Pet!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: You’re thinking, “But Greg, I’ve been burned by pet substitutes before!” Hahaha, you asshole! How fucking stupid can you be? Wait, don’t answer that question because I could give a shit what you have to say: You’re not even a pet owner! Continue reading

The staff at my doctor’s office has terrible bedside manners. They’re not quite at the point where they poke at open wounds with unwashed hands and laugh, but certainly they could brush up on a few basic healthcare provider tips. If Hippocrates said “First, do no harm,” I’m pretty sure he followed it up with something like, “Sixth, don’t freak your patients out for shits and grins.” And then he fondled a ten year old, because the ancient Greeks were a bunch of serious deves. Continue reading

For those of you who read this site on a regular basis and have somehow avoided being put on an involuntary 72 hour psychiatric hold, you’ve no doubt noticed that I’ve been mainlining printer toner taken a break from writing lately. Some people think that it’s easy to come up with a non-stop stream of libelous statements about Elton John and yak-felching, but it’s not. It takes hard work, dedication, and a metric shit-ton of Heineken to come up with that kind of brilliance gibberish, and lately I haven’t been free on bail feeling it, so I took a little break. Continue reading

I just got done with my 7 year old son’s back-to-school shopping, which I did without him. He goes to a school that requires uniforms as well as standard school supplies, such as red folders, green folders, a white binder, etc. This is to avoid all the knife fights that erupt when kids start arguing over whether or not a LEGO folder is cooler than a Minecraft folder, and… Wait a minute. Do you have a Justin Bieber folder? You do, don’t you? GET HIM! Continue reading

Ok, I have to tell you right off the bat that I wrote that post title as a play on the name of the 1962 Ray Bradbury novel, Something Wicked This Way Comes. Has anyone else read that? Do people still read any more? I don’t know. I know a lot of useless information, which was the point of this post. Anyway, I always thought that the title Something Wicked This Way Comes sounded badass, but now that I look at it, it’s almost as if Ray Bradbury sat down to write after an accident involving a credenza falling off a roof and crash landing on his head. Imagine if Dickens wrote like he had brain damage. “It was times the best of, worst of times it was.” Order the word sentence important is, kind of. Continue reading

Hey, lookit that! Someone animated me!

I was unable to sleep a few nights ago, so instead of tossing and turning in bed, I went downstairs and watched Red Dragon. Red Dragon, for those of you who don’t know, is the prequel to Silence of the Lambs, and is in my opinion a better movie. It’s got everything you could ever want in a freaky movie: Full body tattoos, eating people/great works of art, and burning Philip Seymour Hoffman to death. (Take that, you pretentious three-named bastard! Daniel Day Lewis, you have been put on notice.) The movie is so freaky that by the time I’m done watching it, I pretty much assume that everyone I meet is a deranged serial killer except maybe my kids, and I have my doubts about them. Continue reading