I think that it is fair to say that the first words that run through a person’s head when they initially encounter this blog are “high fashion”. Oh, sure, I may sometimes wear white after Labor Day, and yes, sometimes I mix plaids with polka dots, and I have also been known on occasion to show up for a funeral in beach attire (although I should note that I take great care in selecting a tasteful, black Speedo). But high fashion is not about following the rules. It is about making the rules, often after having consumed 38 beers with mescal on the side. Continue reading

Have you heard of Uncanny Valley? Uncanny Valley is the name of a phenomena (doo-doooo-doo-doo-doo) in robotics when a robot looks and acts like a human being, but slight, hard to finger imperfections cause revulsion in people. What was intended to be beautiful is now perceived as horrifying because it just doesn’t quite look natural. It’s why Tori Spelling is so off-putting. Continue reading

There are seven billion people on our planet. That’s a fuckton of people. A lot of people will tell you that it’s too many people, but I don’t see these folks throwing themselves under a train or anything. They want to complain about the problem, they just don’t want to do anything about it. As P.J. O’Rourke once said, overpopulation is “just enough of me, way too much of you.” Continue reading

Word.

When I was five, I had a neighbor that owned an Irish Setter, a breed of dog known for being dumb as a bucket of dicks. One day, as I watched from my bedroom window, the dog, Duffy, became irritated by the shadow of some trees waving in the wind. He pulled, and yanked, and pulled some more until the rope that he was tied to gave way, and then he spent five minutes furiously attacking the ground. If you had taken that dog’s brains out and replaced them with a pound of shit, only then would the dog have had a chance to look up and think to himself, “Wait a minute, what I’m doing makes no sense.” Stupid fucking dog. Continue reading

When I imagine most people going about their business, I picture them doing so quietly with a sense of purpose, a determined look on their face. This is not how I do things when I am alone. I’m loud, and totally random, and if anyone happened to be eavesdropping on me, I’m sure they’d assume that I’d gone off some pretty powerful psychotropic drugs. I’ll give you an example from the other day involving the Beatles and my dog Mojo. Continue reading

I just got done dealing with tax stuff, and although taxes are a wonderful exercise in absurdism, they’re not really conducive to structured thinking. I suppose I could try to weave some coherent narrative through the foul ramblings I’m about to unleash on the rest of the world, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. So you get semi-digested bits of weirdness from my brain. Sorry. You want plot, go watch Law & Order or something. Continue reading

Although I grew up in the Chicagoland area, my parents both hail from Canada, our Great White Neighbor to the North. This explains my love of hockey, a trait that seems to have been passed down to me genetically along with a tendency to wear flannel shirts, funny hats, and a love of beer so profound that it causes a severe speech impediment, which other people call “speaking French”. Continue reading

I have had several people tell me that my foul and inconsiderate ramblings would be missed while I’m taking some time off. What can I say? I’m touched, and not in the Father Flanagan-behind-the-rectory-after-half-a-bottle-of-communion-wine kind of way. So, what the fuck, for those people I will cobble together a post that will hopefully please them as it simultaneously pisses off someone else, like the Catholic church. Continue reading

Heads up, I’m going to be taking a short break from posting anything of value. Now, I know what you’re thinking to yourself. You’re thinking, “when did you start?” Hahaha, you’re hilarious, you know that? Fuck you.

Seriously, I’m probably going to refrain from posting anything other than short blurbs or videos. I’ve got two or three side projects that are commanding my attention, and it’s really hard to work on those, write posts for this site, and stay on top of all of the important drinking I have to do.

So hang in there, and if you need something to occupy your time, maybe you should learn how to eat noodles like a motherfucking boss: