Fucking scientists. They think they’re so goddamn smart. You can be sitting there, minding your own business, when all of a sudden a scientist will come out of nowhere and start ragging on you about how you shouldn’t drink seawater. Assholes. But I know how to deal with those pointy-headed fuckers now. If a scientist ever gives you shit, just ask him to explain the Measurement Problem. Continue reading

In the fall of 1987, I was an incoming freshman at a Big Ten university. Like most freshmen, I moved into the dorms. Most colleges require freshmen to live in dormitories. It helps students with the acclimation process, gives them access to resources that would otherwise be more difficult to come by, and gives school administrators an opportunity to feel good about themselves by showing short films on how bad it is to catch the herp. Continue reading

I had lived in the same house for almost thirteen years before moving late last year, so getting used to the new place is taking a while. I’m not at the point where I can navigate in the dark by muscle memory alone, it takes me a split second to recognize the new door bell sound, and sometimes, driving home at the end of a long day, I’ll look around my new neighborhood and think to myself, “Where the fuck am I?” But at least I don’t whip out my dick and piss all over the place when someone comes over. Continue reading

You know what store I try to avoid? Office Max. Or Staples, same thing. It’s not that I don’t like office supply stores, it’s that I cannot go in one of them without justifying totally asinine purchases. If I don’t watch it, I’ll find myself in line with enough supplies to keep the IRS going for a couple of years, a bill the size of the Peruvian GDP, and an unshakable conviction that I simply cannot go another day without owning a legal pad. Seriously, very few legal proceedings take place at my house. What the fuck? Continue reading

Wait, where are the sound effects? This isn’t kung fu! (Also, from the looks of it, that guy had problems with his crank to begin with.)

(Safe-ish for work if you wear headphones and keep it on the down low.)

I was driving home today when it struck me that the cars we drive these days are fucking lame. Not mine, of course. I drive a Jeep Wrangler, which is macho, and studly, and boy don’t I look like a motherfucking wildman with two child seats in the back of mine? But most of the other cars on the road suck in my eyes. This is because I was alive during the 70’s, which although it brought us terrible things such as leisure suits, disco, and Kenny Loggins (ahem), it also brought us great things such as Led Zeppelin, the original Saturday Night Live, and muscle cars. Continue reading

For a guy who used to party as heartily as I did, I’ve spent a surprisingly small amount of time in a courtroom. This is a good thing. Judges are notoriously intolerant of the type of things that I used to engage in as a matter of policy. I’m willing to place bets that you’ll never find the phrase, “The court will let the defendant finish his whippet before testifying” in the court record of any case, ever. So I do my best to stay out of trouble, and have been very successful in this regard with the exception of a license plate violation and the time I got evicted from the Mother of all Party Houses when I was in college. Continue reading

I’m sick as shit, and have been for four days now. So instead of dick jokes and thinly veiled death threats against local weathermen, I bring you this guy, brought to you by waaaaay too much Red Bull:

For those of you who read this site on a regular basis (and have still managed to maintain basic brain functionality), you may recognize the star of the following video clip. It’s Akbar Khan! He is the ace, and everyone else is just an ugly joker. (See that link that reads, “Read More”? Click it to see Akbar kick some motherfucking ass). Continue reading

At work today, I got into a discussion with a coworker about a hypothetical situation: If scientists discovered a neutron star headed towards our solar system, guaranteeing Earth’s destruction in 100 years, could mankind survive by building a ship and sending a colony of people to a habitable planet orbiting a nearby star? Yeah, we could have been doing our jobs, but that’s boring. This question is interesting, much more so than performing open heart surgery. Continue reading