I never got into comic books when I was a boy, and Superman was the reason. For the life of me, I didn’t understand why he ever had to be Clark Kent. Couldn’t he just be Superman all the time? I mean, he’s fucking Superman, for crying out loud. Why would he ever feel the need to be some hapless asshole working a loser job? “Man, this whole being-the-best-person-on-the-planet thing is getting old!” Is this what we’re supposed to believe is running through Superman’s mind? I call bullshit on that. If I was Superman, my day to day thoughts would be more along the lines of, “First I’m going to bang 100 supermodels, and then I’m going to tell Led Zeppelin to play a personal show for me or I will fling them into the sun.” Continue reading

I’m learning Spanish. I’ve known some Spanish for a while now, of course. It’s pretty much mandatory if you live in Arizona or have ever spent time in Mexico. But what I knew was limited to the crucial terms: Where are the bathrooms?; Another beer, please; Where is the nearest house of ill repute? You know, the basics. But now I’m learning Spanish in a more formal sense because my daughter isn’t. Continue reading

Over the weekend, friends of mine fairly fell all over themselves emailing me news that Robert Plant turned down a $800 million offer to go on tour with Led Zeppelin. I, of course, did not need to be told this “news”, because I am plugged directly into the rock and roll zeitgeist, by which I mean I’ve been lurking in the bushes outside of Robert Plant’s house. (It’s not as exciting as you would imagine, to be honest. Hardly anything happened at all today. David Coverdale came by to clean the pool, but that was it.) Continue reading

I’ve got 37 beers to drink a lot on my plate tonight, so I’m going to take the easy way out by posting a strange video instead of posting slanderous comments about the size of Bea Arthur’s penis something with a little more thought behind it.

A note about this particular video: You may have seen it since it went viral this last weekend or so, but if not, buckle the fuck up because it is fuh-reaky! It’s why I love Adult Swim: They are not afraid to get really goddamn weird.

Too Many Cooks. Discuss

First, raver cats, now, snakes on acid:

Texas is a Big State. It is full of Big Texas People, jowly businessmen with Big Hats and Big Physiques that resemble a side of beef. They drive Big Cadillacs with Big Horns mounted over the grill, and they do Big Business before going home to their Big Wives, and their Big Kids, on the Big Ranch. It’s Texas. It’s Big. And in Texas, you either Go Big, or you Go Home. Or you go Fucking Apeshit Crazy. Continue reading

In 1916 a ship, the SS Mount Temple, was crossing the Atlantic bound for Liverpool England with a wartime cargo consisting of horses and 22 cases of dinosaur fossils because… Well, because the SS Mount Temple originated from Montreal, and you know how those crazy Canucks like to hit the sauce. “World War I has broken out in Europe? Zut alors! We must send them horses and dinosaur bones, just as soon as we are done making sweet, sweet love to this moose!” This really happened. (Yes, the moose thing too.) Continue reading

I was thinking about Aquaman today during a meeting at the office because… Well, because what else are you going to do? You start doing crazy shit like paying attention during meetings at work, and the next thing you know you’ll be tagged as a Responsible Worker, and the only thing that leads to is more responsibility. Seriously, show up to work wearing pants one day, and the next thing you know you’ll have things to do and deadlines and shit. No fucking thank you. Continue reading

Everyone dies in John Wick. Everyone. Hahaha. just kidding. I know I promised that this would be a spoiler-free review. Not everyone dies in John Wick. It just seems that way. The movie starts off with the lead character dying, then moves to a funeral, then an animal dies, quickly followed by pretty much anyone else who appears on the screen. Some characters are felled before you even get a chance to know their names. “Hi, my name is Frank Sever-AAAAUUUUGGGHHHHH!” It’s that kind of movie. I’m pretty sure that a few people in the credits at the end got offed, solely out of habit. Continue reading

My computer died last night, so now you have to read about the Queen of England. Hey, don’t complain to me about it, those are the rules and I am no more responsible for the rules than I am anything else I do while under the influence of oven cleaner and Robitussin. One time I rode a rider mower naked through a nursing home, and they couldn’t do a damn thing about it because those are the rules. Also, they were pretty old and most definitely scared of me after I ran a few of them down, which may have had something to do with it. Continue reading