I’ve already discussed my four year old’s penchant for holding it in until he’s ready to fucking explode, but last night he took a different approach to things. A couple of hours before his annual daycare Christmas Recital (which could more accurately be described as the annual Sit In A High School Auditorium While A Bunch Of Toddlers Forget The Lyrics To Jingle Bells Recital), he decided that it would not be in his best interest to suffer through an acute episode of I’ve Got To Poo! on stage, and so he told me, “Daddy, I’m going to get the poo-poos out before I go on stage tonight!” Continue reading

Now that my daughter is twelve, I find that I can watch actual movies with her. You know, movies that don’t involve princesses, or Care Bears, or anthropomorphic sponges. Honest to God movies with characters that aren’t for sale in Toys R Us. Sure, she still likes some utterly worthless crap (*cough* Twilight *cough*), but that’s to be expected at her age. But I can sit down with her, pop in a movie, and we can watch it for more than 30 seconds without her saying, “This is BORING! I want to watch Spongebob!” which is pretty much all my kids have ever said in regards to the TV when I control the remote. Up until now, that is. So I’m enjoying the fact that I can sit down with my daughter and watch some nice, wholesome entertainment with her, like Blue Velvet. Continue reading

Since our last installment, I packed all of my belongings into a U-Haul and moved to a house a couple of blocks down the street. If you’re wondering why I bothered with a U-Haul if the move was so short, it was because putting all your shit on a sled and having your dog and kids pull it Iditarod-style may be entertaining, but effectiveness-wise it blows goats. So I wrapped the goldbricking fuckers in bubble-wrap and threw them in the U-Haul with the rest of my shit and fucking moved. I say “fucking moved” not just because I’m a foul-mouthed, anti-social malcontent with the manners of a drunken sailor in a whorehouse, but also because the total elapsed time to move everything by myself was six and a half hours including the time it took to rent and return the U-Haul. I am the motherfucking man. Continue reading

If you are a regular reader of this site, you know that I post on a pretty regular basis, even if only to put up videos of dogs fucking themselves unconscious. I’ve got a lot to say, apparently, and if what I have to say is juvenile, offensive, and flagrantly libelous, then that’s even better. It gives me an outlet that I don’t otherwise have. I mean, you try going into the office and telling people you dressed your dick up like Kenny Loggins and see what happens. Continue reading

I spent a large chunk of my day in the dentist chair, first getting a crown put in, then discovering that I also needed a $500 root canal. And while all that was going on, a filling got knocked loose and I had to get that fixed. All in all, not the best day I’ve ever had, even if I spent the entire time on the maximum amount of nitrous oxide you can give a person. (I haven’t had that much nitrous since college.) So instead of thinking up witty funny immature shit to amuse myself with, I’m going to relay something interesting I ran across yesterday (H/T to Squatch for sending it to me): Continue reading

My two youngest kids, both of them boys, are six and four years old. Naturally, I spend a lot of time telling them what to do because if you didn’t tell kids this age what to do, Child Protective Services would take them away from you. “Take a bath”, “Eat something other than candy”, and “Don’t put knitting needles into your eye sockets” are things that you would think would go without saying, but with kids this age they’re not. I’ve got a twelve year old daughter and she’s not much better, to tell you the truth, the only difference being that she wouldn’t put knitting needles in her eye sockets unless her friends did it first. Continue reading

I noticed today that I had an awful lot of internet traffic the last couple of days. Five times as much, in fact, which was baffling because usually I have to violate some pretty major laws in order to get that much attention, and as far as I know I haven’t done anything like that in over a week. So I headed over to my Google Analytics site to see what’s what, and discovered that over 73% of my traffic the last couple of days was generated from a Google search on the phrase “God of the internet”. Really. All I can say is that it is about fucking time I got some goddamn recognition around here. You may now all bow before me. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Continue reading

I was driving to Home Depot the other day because I’m a guy, and that’s what guys do: We drive to Home Depot. We look around, find manly shit like auger bits and spackle, buy it, bring it home, then put it in the garage and have a beer. At least that’s what I do. My attitude towards home improvement products is that they should improve my home merely by coming in contact with it. If that doesn’t do the trick, clearly it’s because the home improvement products are defective. Fucking defective home improvement products. Piss me off so bad that I need another beer… Continue reading

I’m not a big fan of energy drinks, normally. I think they’re merely caffeine dressed up with whatever trendy chemicals some Madison Avenue assholes think will appeal to the average consumer. Trust me, if ground placenta became trendy, you’d be seeing cans of Rock Star for sale complete with umbilical cord. So for the most part I just drink coffee. It’s a hell of a lot cheaper, and I can be pretty sure that Chinese dissidents were not drowned in the vat it came out of. Continue reading