For whatever reason, I do some of my best thinking while I’m walking. I take several walks a day, and almost always I’ll be just walking along, spacing out and not thinking of anything in particular when a thought will just hit me. “I bet Rosanne Barr’s vag looks like someone beat a raccoon to death with a rolling pin! That’s comedy gold!” And then I’ll do nothing with that idea because it’s not really that funny, just goofy. To be fair, though, that’s exactly how several successful sitcoms came to be. Case in point: someone in a writer’s room once made a joke about Loretta Swit’s poon, and before you know it, that joke morphed into Charles in Charge. Scott Baio’s original role was listed as “Dildo”. True story! (Note: Not a true story.) Continue reading

Recently, and this will come as a surprise to exactly no one who knows me, I sent an email to NASA because a) They solicit questions from the public on this page; b) Some small portion of NASA was paid for with my taxes, and so I figured I may as well get something out of it; and c) I like fucking with people for no reason. So I asked them how much it would cost to fire David Lee Roth into the interior of the sun. Continue reading

When I first moved to Phoenix, I rented a house for two years. The landlord was an elderly lady who wrote the lease out on notebook paper with one hand as she sipped on a pint glass full of vodka with the other. In her lap was her granddaughter. This lady could drink. The only problem was, she still drove. And by drove I literally mean she weaved curb to curb until she got to where she was going to. How she managed to avoid a serious accident and arrest, I will never know. Continue reading

I am such a fucking white dude. Today was a perfect Sunday: Nothing on the calendar. So I woke up, discussed the situation with my wife and suggested that we spend our day shopping at Ikea. Really. I could have gone hiking, watched TV, played video games with my kids, or any of a hundred other things that I consider fun. Instead, I went to a store that gives its products insane names like Poäng, Pluggis, and Duderö. Continue reading

This guy should be the anchor for every major network, CNN, MSNBC, indeed, any network that shows the news. He is my ideal mandatory news anchor.

When I am too tired to astound my readers with my ability to turn any topic into a 2,000 word dick-joke, I often settle for weirding them out via my large library of mondo-bizarro videos. Today is one of those days in terms of my energy level, and this video is one of those videos. Actually, it’s waaaaay weirder than usual. So be forewarned: Although there is nothing necessarily dirty in this clip, having someone catch you watching it at the office is going to be decidedly awkward. (The audio is safe, however. Just music.)

A quick postscript to yesterday’s post, which detailed some of the more outrageous moments I experienced in college. I heard from some of my friends who have heard me retell these stories ad nauseam (which is Latin for “Shut the fuck up, already, Greg!”) They generally wanted to know why I left out my psychotic lesbian roommate who thought cigarette smoke was radioactive and could travel through walls, or why I didn’t talk about the asshole who wouldn’t stop hitting on my girlfriend, whom I later found passed out in the bushes and for whom I managed to arrange an unconscious lingerie photo-shoot, or any one of a hundred other fucked up things that happened while I was supposed to be getting an education. Continue reading

The last year that I was in college (which is to say the year that I was cordially invited to not return), I lived in a house with several friends I would charitably characterize as “derelicts-in-training”: The only things separating their behavior (such as waking up on a lawn) from that of your garden variety bum were enthusiasm and time. And when their time ran out, so would their enthusiasm, I had no doubt of that. It’s one thing to broke, hungover, and foodless when you’re 22, and quite another when you’re 45. Continue reading

I took my family to an arboretum today. I realize, of course, that in this technological age the concept of a botanical garden devoted to trees seems a bit quaint, but it was pretty cool even if I couldn’t find the Like button, and for some reason there was no porn. And my two boys, five and three, absolutely loved it because it allowed them to do what boys that age do best: Fuck shit up. Continue reading

Ok, I have specifically mentioned this once before, but apparently not everyone took the hint. Seniors, incontinence is not only a nuisance, but a source of shame as well. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Ok, that’s bullshit. There are a couple of people who I would dearly love to see piss themselves in a crowded, public place. In general, though, I wouldn’t wish incontinence upon anyone. But let’s be very clear about this: Depend undergarments are designed to protect your dignity and allow you to adjourn to the nearest bathroom so that you may clean yourself in private. They are not a luxury to allow you to avoid basic personal hygiene. Continue reading