The Week In Review

You know what I learned today? I learned that even when women turn 63, they are still frequent targets of deviants, perverts, weirdos, and other sick and filthy degenerates. I base this on an article I read that made me so angry that I almost peed my pants with laughter. The article is entitled, “Parboiled Squid Inseminate’s Woman’s Mouth“. It seems a 63 year old Korean woman sat down with a nice, fresh dish of squid when all of a sudden, she felt the presence of “small, squirming organisms” in her mouth. While this may be par for the course in an evening involving tequila shooters and heavy petting, it’s not the kind of thing that you expect when dining at Red Lobster (or wherever the hell she was). So she sought medical attention and was informed that she had (hold on to your hats, here, kids) bitten into the squid’s sperm bag which had not been adequately cooked. (I’ll be honest with you here: If someone had told me that I would use the words “sperm bag” on this site, I would’ve bet every last cent that it would have been in reference to Paris Hilton. Go figure.)

This horrifying and hilarious turn of events is sure to have a backlash: Squid will be hunted down across the globe and slaughtered by the boatload, or even worse, shipped off Japan to appear in what passes for their mainstream porn (link safe for work, believe it or not). All because of one sick and twisted squid. Way to go, pervo. You’ve doomed your species.

On to what you missed the last couple of weeks while you were cross-checking your lunch with the sexual offender registry:

• A couple of Tuesdays ago, we learned that while there is a market for people who can paint upside down, it unfortunately involves living in Branson, Missouri.
• Two Wednesdays ago, we learned that crack dealers don’t need calculators.
• A couple of Thursdays ago, I braved a lawsuit from Taco Hell.
• Two Fridays ago, fucking fuck fuck fuckers!
• Last Tuesday we learned that Feyd Rautha will nuke Russia if they don’t let their kids watch SpongeBob, and also that almost no one gets Dune references anymore.
• Last Wednesday, I made a bold plea for sanity that will result in me winning the Nobel Peace Prize, if those assholes in Stockholm know what’s good for them.
• Last Thursday, I revealed to the world that Al Gore is a giant nerd who plays with dolls. No one was surprised.
• And last Friday, we learned that the mainstream media’s pro-canoe agenda knows no bounds.

Let’s pay some bills, shall we? We’re going to need to in order to fend off these lawsuits. It’s Involuntary Advertising:

Have a great week, everyone. And don’t forget: If you see any suspicious looking squid loitering around town, call the police immediately. Or Paris Hilton.