My life is a lot like the show Mad Men: I lounge around in a suit all day, quaffing gin and chain-smoking while ad men try to convince me that they hold the key to untold riches. And when I get bored, I head out to the Savoy for a twelve martini lunch and then wind down by maybe chasing a little tail. Ring-a-ding-ding, it rules to be me! Then I wake up from this pleasant dream to find vagrants pawing at me while a man in an ill-fitting blue suit informs me that I’m no longer welcome at the Amtrak terminal. So, I guess my life isn’t like Mad Men at all, which is a bummer because those guys really know how to party. Continue reading

I recently rearranged my office because I bought a new reading chair, and frankly the feng shui was all wrong. Did I get that right? Feng shui is that thing that the Chinese use to make sure their bedrooms don’t piss off spirits or something, right? Frankly, I’m not convinced. Look, China, you had one shot to win me over with fortune cookies, and you fucking blew it. “Today would be a good day to make a new friend”? Thanks a lot, China. That guy gut-stabbed me and took my watch. Fortune cookies are bullshit and so is feng shui. Continue reading

More than one person asked me if I had really placed the Boz Scaggs Tested – Boz Scaggs Approved logo on a gas pump yesterday, or if I just Photoshopped it on there. No, I really put it on a gas pump, and to prove to myself that it wasn’t another one of my Robitussin and paint thinner-based hallucinations, I drove by to see if it was still there today. Twice. In the morning it was right where I’d left it, but when I came home from work it had been thoughtfully realigned and moved to a corner of the display, where it works a lot better, stylistically speaking. It is one classy looking gas pump. Continue reading

My daughter and I were looking at upcoming concerts the other night, in a vain attempt to find a show worth seeing that we would both enjoy. My daughter’s tastes run to boy bands and pop music, whereas my taste in music is primarily centered around bands that actually know the difference a quarter note and an asshole. But I exposed my daughter to an awful lot of classic rock when she was younger, and it has definitely had an impact on her. If the Beatles tour any time soon, for instance, she is fucking there. Continue reading

I came to realize today that I really hate receipts. It’s not uncommon for me to be struck with realizations like this throughout the course of a day. “Hey! I’m at a funeral!” I’ll realize with a start. “And everyone’s looking at me! And I’m not wearing pants! Again!” You know, the normal kind of realization that occurs when you’re fond of mainlining tequila and antifreeze. Continue reading

I read a study the other day in which scientists claim to have proven that rats experience regret, which is a surprising outcome that left me awestruck with wonder. Specifically, I wondered what kind of fucking drugs these scientists were on, and was awestruck by the realization that there is apparently enough money in the world that these guys were funded instead of hounded out of the scientific community (a process that I imagine involves the forcible removal of a pocket protector and/or the ceremonial breaking of a slide rule). Continue reading

In the time that I’ve been alive on the planet, I’ve experienced an almost mind boggling amount of great rock music. The Beatles were still a band when I was born, even if they were lugging around that crazy, shrieking Japanese chick everywhere they went. Led Zeppelin came and went. The Rolling Stones… Well, they were here at the beginning, and they will outlast us all. After the nukes rain down and end this little dog and pony show that we call humanity, Mick and Keith will still manage to wheel their dried up, withered husks onstage and play Start Me Up to an audience of radioactive cockroaches and Twinkies. Continue reading

My daughter graduated from junior high school last week, which was kind of weird for me. Oh, and, my youngest son graduated pre-K as well, which is kind of ridiculous if you think about it. My kids have graduated pre-K, kindergarten, elementary school, and junior high, with high school and college graduation ceremonies in their future. It’s overdone and it waters down the meaning of graduation when you do it over and over like that. “Congratulations! You graduated recess!” Big fucking deal. The ceremonies are cheesy, and hokey, and forced, and all the kids are just kind of standing around up there doing nothing, and wow, look how big they are! I remember when they were so small that I could hold them in the crook of one arm, and how they depended on me for even the most basic things, and… and… and… Excuse me! I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE! Continue reading

It has long been known that the laws of physics, while limiting in some ways, often offer avenues to bypass these same limits. We may not be able to travel faster than the speed of light, but we can OD on cocaine, Red Bull, and jimsonweed and it certainly feels like we’re running faster than the speed of light. That cop that was chasing us? That donut-scarfing tub of authority is long gone. We are free to fly around the universe unfettered, at least until we run out of blow, or possibly wake up to realize that we hallucinated the entire thing in a novelty photo-booth at the mall. (It’s been known to happen.) Continue reading

I understand that’s a kind of ridiculous question, for a couple of reasons. First of all, if you’re going to be asking questions about Miley Cyrus, there are a lot of other ones that spring to mind first: What the fuck is wrong with Miley Cyrus’ face? What the fuck is wrong with Miley Cyrus’ tongue? What the fuck is wrong with Miley Cyrus? What the fuck is wrong with people who think that Miley Cyrus is anything other than a horse-faced retard? The list is damn near endless. Continue reading