I work in the IT industry, which is another way of saying I’m good with computers. “What do you do?” people will ask, and I’ll say “I work in the IT industry.” Most of the time this is sufficiently vague and people will leave me alone. But all too often that person will say, “Oh, computers!” and then start to grill me as if I was their own personal tech guru. I don’t mind lending a little advice when people need it, but people need to realize that I am going to fucking punch them in the face if I ever have to answer one of the following questions again: Continue reading

You know what’s fun? Combing through the comment spam that my filter has picked up. I do this because every now and again a legitimate comment gets thrown in there and I have to rescue it. These tend to stand out, though, simply because the spam I do get is so ridiculous: “This post is a great resource. I will definitely be back!” Oh, hey, I’m glad you think my post consisting of a video of a retarded goat is so valuable. Be sure to come back next week when I have a clip of a badger with Downs. Or sometimes you’ll get a comment that looks like this: “Your site is so {informative|intelligent|well thought out}. I plan to {return|come back} {as soon as possible|soon|next week}.” Well thought out? Listen, asshole, I asked Styx to make me a roast beef sandwich. My site is as well thought out as the piece of shit program you wrote to send your spam. Continue reading

I estimate that I spend roughly 200 hours a year either traveling to or from work. That may seem like a lot to some people, while for others that seems like nothing. I grew up in Chicago, and when people in Phoenix complain about traffic I want to punch them in the spleen. Phoenix traffic delays are trivial while Chicago traffic delays are epic, lifelong disasters. For instance, in Chicago you’ll be driving down the highway on your way to work when you’ll notice a very large orange sign that reads, “To serve you better, the Illinois Department of Transportation announces infrastructure improvements to the Dan Ryan expressway. Traffic delays expected from January, 2012 through March, 2921.” And just like that, your life is ruined. What they should really put on the sign is, “We’re tearing the fuck out of this road, you won’t be able to get anywhere in less than a day for the remainder of your life and since this is taxpayer funded, YOU paid for it. BUWAHAHAHAHAHA! What an asshole! Fuck you! Sincerely, IDOT.” Continue reading

If you read the post yesterday explaining what String Theory is, well, sorry about that. I try to keep this blog 100% learning-free, but sometimes I lose my mind and skimp on the dick jokes. Again, sorry. But if you did read that post and stayed conscious long enough, you may have seen a picture of a Japanese boy-band named Big Bang. After finding that pic, I went on a tangent and spent a bunch of time perusing YouTube in search of nutty Japanese music videos. If you are at all familiar with Japanese culture, it goes without saying that I found more than enough insanity to keep me occupied for a lifetime. Continue reading

Ok, we’re gonna cut to the chase today because the Weekly Hypothetical is a little more challenging this week. A friend of mine, who wishes to remain nameless (although his name is Rich Taylor, and he lives at 2649 Crescent Way, Gilbert, AZ), challenged me to explain String Theory so that it’s entertaining and comprehensible. (Actually, his challenge was worded more like, “You asshole! You’d better replace all of that booze!” but I know what he really meant.) So without further ado… Continue reading

My wife and I recently received a note from our son’s kindergarten teacher stating that after a careful review of his journal, he was being sent to the principal’s office for what I can only assume was a crash course on Nobel Prize acceptance speech etiquette. I mean, I was kind of in a hurry and didn’t take too much time to read the email because mostly those emails are of the “your son spent all of today’s ‘carpet time’ trying to make the other students laugh” variety. And beside being puzzled as to where he’d get that kind of behavior from, that shit gets repetitive and old really quick, so I admit I kind of skimmed the contents. Continue reading

I realized after posting my extreme rant on the elderly yesterday that I had omitted another thing that pissed me off when I was hiking: Ultra-Lesbian Hate-Hikers. Look, I don’t care what anyone’s sexual preference is. It’s none of my business who sticks what into where, or who rubs this, or who licks that. And for the record, I think gay people deserve the right to be as happy as the rest of us, and that includes serving in the military and getting married if that’s what floats their boat. I don’t know what kind of barely viable relationships the politicians behind the Defense of Marriage Act have, but my marriage is not threatened by two dudes giving each other reach-arounds in private. Fuck it, who cares? Continue reading

My mother was diagnosed with shingles, recently. For those of you who don’t know, shingles is a rash that develops on the body and often results in extreme pain on and around the effected area. The disease is actually called Herpes Zoster, which means I will be able to extract some revenge once my mom is feeling better. Continue reading

When I was twenty-three I moved halfway across the country, from Chicago to Tucson. This was done mostly because I could, and partially because my last winter in Illinois involved having to walk across campus to take a final when the wind chill factor was 80 below zero. I knew then that I wanted to have kids at some point in my future, and having my frozen balls fall off and shatter on the pavement wasn’t going to help in that regard. So off I went. Continue reading

Tomorrow is the big day: Mrs. Drugs and I take the kids to the Arizona State Fair. Since our kids are 11, 5, and 3, this is a BIG DEAL even if my 11 year old daughter is at that age where she walks 50 yards in front of her parents so no one makes the mistake of thinking she’s there with anyone else. “Hey, who is that very young girl walking really fast and why are there no parents around her?” “I don’t know, but she’s obviously so mature that she’s allowed to be at the State Fair by herself. Let’s buy her a car.” That’s secretly what she believes is going to happen. Continue reading