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Dogs On Drugs - Yeah, you read that right…
Featured, Rants

Let’s Get Banned In China!

C'mon, ban me! You know you want to!

For those of you not familiar with the asshats running the show over in China, the Chinese government has instituted the Great Firewall of China. This is used to block websites that are profane, objectionable, or mention how the Chinese government slaughtered its own citizens in Tiananmen Square in 1987.  And right there, in one sentence, is why Dogs On Drugs should be blocked.  But a quick trip to greatfirewallofchina.org shows that, sadly, this is not the case.  As it stands, over a billion people are exposed to my web site and its very large collection of pornography involving Mao Zedung and goats.  And that is wrong.

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August 24, 2011by Greg
Featured, Rants

Global Warming Is Only Bad If It Means Warm Beer

We're going to need a bigger cooler

I read an exciting story today about how a heretofore unknown ocean current coming off the coast of…  Iceland…. means that…  Ummm, warmer Atlantic…  Zzzzzzzz  Zzzzzzzz  Zzzzzzz.

Sorry, I fell asleep there for a minute.  Global warming talk is like that.  It’s fucking boring.  You ever try reading some of the underlying science?  A group of professional bed-wetters announces that temperatures off the Ivory Coast have gone up an alarming 0.01 degree Celsius in the last 50 years.  Then a bunch of professional polluters say how there is no temperature increase unless there is, in which case we didn’t cause it.  You and I, meanwhile, are thinking to ourselves, “0.01 degrees?  Who fucking cares?”  And it turns out that we are right.

I realize that a lot of planet-saving do-gooders aren’t going to like reading this, but we need to stop with the global warming bullshit for a variety of reasons.

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August 22, 2011by Greg
Featured, Rants

Grocery Store Etiquette

Don't act like an asshole here.

You wouldn’t think that a grocery store would be something you’d need to explain to people.  But you don’t shop where I do.  If you took a busload of the elderly and the retarded, gave them mild concussions with a mallet then loaded them up on meth, you’d still have a breed of person more with it than the crack squad of brain surgeons I have to deal with every time I need to go buy eggs.  Honestly, these people cannot operate shoelaces much less function in a complex environment such as the local Safeway’s.  It is these people that make this post necessary.

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August 20, 2011by Greg
Featured, Random Funny Shit

Meal Ideas for the Upcoming Economic Apocalypse

Mmmmmm, boiled rat testicles...

You know it’s coming, you feel it in your bones.  A second Great Depression is on its way.  The good news is that it will make the first Great Depression look like a walk in the park and we can finally mouth off to those obnoxious elders who were always telling us things like, “In my day, we got an orange for Christmas, and we were glad to get it!”  Oh yeah?  Well my sister just blew a dude for the protein, asshole!  The bad news is that we won’t be joking.

So we’re going to need to start planning now if we’re to get through it alive, and the first thing we need to address is what we’re going to eat.  Luckily, there are options.  Horrifying, disgusting, never-in-a-million-years type options, but hey, it beats “protein”.

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August 11, 2011by Greg
Featured, Rants

Why I Admire Joan Crawford

Boy. Must. Die!

I decided to go to Subway for lunch today, even though I ate there yesterday and the last time I ate at Subway regularly, I gained almost 30 pounds. Jared, you lie through your fat fucking teeth.  Anyway, my personal sandwich artist just got done putting the final touches on my sandwich when I noticed that my wallet did not contain my debit card.  We’ve all had this happen, haven’t we?  You realize your card is missing, and you mentally picture some crackheads using it to buy big screen TV’s, which they then pawn and use the resulting cash to buy crack and hookers with.  And the worst part is that it’s your money and you don’t get the TV, the crack, or the hookers.  Bullshit.

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August 5, 2011by Greg
Brilliant Ideas, Featured

I am the King of Luxembourg

I was sitting at home the other day reading Rolling Stone, because when you have three kids you will engage in any activity that makes you even remotely cool or trendy. Unfortunately, reading a magazine ranks right below flagpole-sitting and barbershop quartets on the cool and trendy scale.  I’m sure my kids see me doing this kind of thing and think to themselves, “What’s next?  A handlebar mustache?”  (Note to self:  Yes!)

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August 4, 2011by Greg
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