I vividly remember asking my mom about death when I was a child. She told me the usual things parents say in that situation: Death is natural, everyone dies, that’s the way nature works, etc. Parents say these things to reassure their children because they know that if they’re honest with them, their kids would probably hurl themselves under the next school bus they see. “Holy shit, death is fucking scary! I knew this guy who was just walking down the street when, WHAM! A pit bull ran up and tore his nuts off. Bled out before anyone could even call 911.” You shouldn’t say this to your children. I know this now. (Sorry, honey! Daddy loves you!) Continue reading

When I was young, we used to watch the Miss America Pageant on TV. Not because we liked it, mind you, but because I’m older than shit and when I grew up we only had six channels of “entertainment”. Let me tell you something: when there’s a dearth of competition like that, there is very little incentive to provide quality programming. I mean, the highlight of the week was Mork & Mindy, and if you were lucky there would be a Battle of the Network Stars on so you could once and for all settle the question: Who would win a kayak race, Jamie Farr or Charo? Continue reading

I tried going to the bank today and was really confused when I pulled on the door and it didn’t open. I went across the street to a convenience store to see if they sold money orders (which is why I was going to the bank in the first place), and when I explained why I was there and that the bank was closed for Columbus Day, the guy at the register said, “Really? That’s still a thing?” which expressed my opinion perfectly. Continue reading

I rented a safe deposit bank at the bank today, and if there’s a legal way to feel like more of a total badass, I haven’t heard about it. I felt like I was dropping off money to pay for a contract hit, and I think we can all agree that being involved in a contract hit in any fashion is fucking awesome. (Ok, fine, it’s not that fun to be on the receiving end of one, even if it would be nice to know that you meant so much to someone that they tried to have you offed.) Continue reading

I watched Starship Troopers again the other day. Most people I know who have seen that movie think it’s stupid, and cheesy, and not worth seeing once, let alone multiple times. But if you’ve read Heinlein’s 1959 novel of the same name, it stays shockingly close to the original spirit, which was as much a political essay as it was a novel. Heinlein’s meritocratic democracy stands in stark contrast to our own system of government which, in the novel, ultimately collapses because “people had been led to believe that they could simply vote for whatever they wanted… and get it, without toil, without sweat, without tears.” Also, the movie has a shower scene in it, and you get to see some tits. Continue reading

I’ve seen a lot of stupid things in my day (and I’ve been to Indiana, so that’s saying a lot). But this takes the cake:

Right about now, you’re probably getting ready to shoot yourself in the head on the grounds that you just lost 80 IQ points from watching that, and life is better off ending than being spent in a home for people who drool and rub shit in their hair. No one would fault you, that’s for sure, but before you check out, let me tell you the part of this video that haunts me.

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I was driving in rush hour traffic this morning when I thought to myself, “This is fucking bullshit.” This, of course, is far from an original thought. We all hate traffic. If you know anyone who says to his friends, “Hey, it’s almost five o’clock! Let’s see if we can get caught in a traffic jam on the 101!” that person is fucking crazy and you are legally allowed to administer powerful psychotropic drugs to him, even if you need a funnel and a fire hose to do so. Traffic gargles donkey-balls.

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Last Tuesday, at 6:15 in the morning, my six year old woke me up with this statement: “Hi Dad! Oh, by the way, I forgot to tell you… I accidentally dropped an eraser in my ear yesterday. And… It’s still there.” I hesitate to say that there is a good time of day to hear this kind of thing, but I can tell you with some confidence that 6:15 AM is not a good time to hear it, even if your son does take the trouble to tell you the news in a faux-casual tone. A quick trip to the bathroom revealed that, yes, there was an eraser in his ear, and yes, I would need to take him to Urgent Care to get it removed. Continue reading

We take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you… HOLY FUCKING SHIT YES HOW GODDAMN FUCKING COOL IS THIS?!?!?!?

(Full screen, sound all the way up. Go.)

I was having a boy’s night with my six and three year old sons this weekend when my three year old asked, with a hint of panic in his voice, “Where’s my black guy?” I looked up from what I was doing (drinking a beer) to see if maybe his actions would lend some context to that statement, but he just stood there in the middle of the kitchen shouting, “Daddy! Where’s my black guy? I can’t find my black guy! Where is he?” It took me a while to figure out what he was talking about. At first I wondered if maybe his day care had recently admitted a child from a particularly racist cracker family, or possibly he’d been watching The Wire. Continue reading