It’s April, so in most of the United States, snow is done for the winter. Not Chicago, though. I grew up in Chicago, and April is the month when Mother Nature likes to fuck with your head. “It’s 80 out! Isn’t it beautiful? Go ahead, take the snow tires off of your car! Start getting your lawn ready! Spring is here and Summer is on the way! … … … MUWAHAHAHA!!! 18 inches of snow, TAKE THAT YOU STUPID FUCKING HUMANS!” Every fucking year. Continue reading

Ugh, super weird day today, and it has wiped me out. Rather than regale you with reheated dick jokes, let’s continue on with our theme from yesterday, the police.

My parents raised me to respect police officers, to recognize that they are dedicated to protecting the rest of us, often at the risk of their health and very lives. That lesson has stuck with me to this day. I honor those who serve, especially my neighbor who is a detective and came in handy on the evening of my thirty-second birthday when the two of us, along with 7 1/2 drunken friends got pulled over coming out of the desert in a pickup truck with an M16 assault rifle and two open cases of beer. Protect and serve, indeed. He protected my ass from going to jail, and then served me a beer when all was said and done. God bless the men and women in blue! Continue reading

People often ask me why I drop so many f-bombs in my writing. “This is not appropriate when filling out your child’s application to attend school at this academy,” they’ll say. Waaaaah-fuckin’-waaaaah. Besides, it’s not my fault. I’m just easily influenced by popular culture.

Ok, first of all, let me say that exercise is good for you. I know that, you know that, everyone knows that. And certainly I don’t want to discourage anyone from exercising. However, there are some fundamental problems with this video. One at a time, I’d like you to identify them in the comments. Go!

For those of you who happened upon this site because you were searching for good health care advice on Google, well then you are in luck. Dogs on Drugs has long been known as a source of vital medical information such as how you shouldn’t let trannies put things in your butt. As a pillar of the medical community, we look forward to providing you quality health care-related information until such time as you send us an angrily worded email containing the phrase, “And the doctor says that you should NEVER put super glue in there!” at which point we will pretty much fall over laughing, because we do that a lot over here. Continue reading

All right, all right, settle down everyone. Yes, I understand that you’re laughing at the title of the post, and I’m going to give you all a few moments to compose yourself, but I need everyone to be mature about this because this is a serious subject and I will not tolerate everyone giggling through it like a bunch of goddamn third graders, ok? Everyone got it out of their system? All right. Good. Continue reading

The first hint that this guy is a few tacos short of a platter? He owns a button with the local weatherman’s face on it.

The first couple of years I attended college, I lived in the dorms. This made for some interesting times, especially since I lived in what was considered an “engineering” dorm, or more simply put, it’s where they stored the dorks on campus. But my friends and I didn’t exactly fit into this mold. A perfect example: In a physics lab, we were supposed to determine the resistance of a component in a black box by conducting some experiments. Several of the people that lived in my floor were in this lab, and they’d been going at it since 1:00 PM and it was now approaching 3:00 when my friend and I rolled in, two hours late and fresh from happy hour, unscrewed the black box and looked inside. “Hey, lookit that! 6 ohms! Let’s write that down and get back to drinking!” Continue reading

Tsutomu Yamaguchi is a lucky man. His employer, Mitsubishi Heavy Industries, sent him on a business trip on August 6th, 1945, to a city that had been little affected by the war raging all across the globe: Hiroshima. Normally, you wouldn’t be considered lucky if your business trip included a weather forecast of “Windy and hot, with a high of 45,000 degrees”, but Mr. Yamaguchi actually survived the blast, suffering “only” ruptured eardrums, temporary blindness, and severe burns to 25% of his body. He spent the night in an air raid shelter and left the next day to return home. To Nagasaki. Once again, Mr. Yamaguchi survived getting nuked, this time with no further injury, but the city’s decimation meant he couldn’t get medical supplies for the first atomic bomb blast he survived in the last three days, and he spent over a week with a dangerously high fever. He recovered, and lived to the age of 93 years old, finally dying in 2010. Continue reading