Tomorrow is the big day: Mrs. Drugs and I take the kids to the Arizona State Fair. Since our kids are 11, 5, and 3, this is a BIG DEAL even if my 11 year old daughter is at that age where she walks 50 yards in front of her parents so no one makes the mistake of thinking she’s there with anyone else. “Hey, who is that very young girl walking really fast and why are there no parents around her?” “I don’t know, but she’s obviously so mature that she’s allowed to be at the State Fair by herself. Let’s buy her a car.” That’s secretly what she believes is going to happen. Continue reading

Spent pretty much my whole day in the E/R today. Nothing serious, everyone’s ok, no need to send flowers, just cash. And this is an example of what I was watching while I was surfing around Youtube. USE HEADPHONES IF YOU ARE IN THE OFFICE. Otherwise, it’s safe for work.

I ran across this just now. Can you imagine how fucking nuts it would drive you if you owned this goat and it sat outside your home doing this all day?

You think I’m scarring my kids? Because sometimes my wife looks at me as if I am, but she’s hesitant to say something becasue I’m usually acting like a lunatic at the time. Case in point: Death Metal Bingo. The way this works is I take two drum sticks and sing the children’s song Bingo like this:

Slow Paced Sing-Song Voice: There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o!

Black Death Metal Voice (with frantic drumming): B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! AND BINGO WAS HIS NAME-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And for some reason my wife thinks this might be having less than a desirable impact on our three kids, who are usually howling with laughter while this is going on. Continue reading

Whether you like the man or not, President Barack Obama is suffering from an approval rating so low that a recent poll concluded that he is “more popular than herpes, but trailing significantly behind anal polyps.” In fact, at this point in the presidential election cycle it is hard to imagine a Republican challenger who could not defeat him in an election. (The Republican Party being what it is, however, is sure to find one.)

And so it was during a lull in my daily activities (working, parenting, huffing paint thinner) that I began to mentally run down the odds fictional characters would have against the incumbent President. And of course, whenever I start thinking about fictional characters, I start thinking of the Brady Bunch. Continue reading

I believe all trials would be immensely more entertaining if we had musical verdicts. And holy shit, you get someone on trial like Phil Spector and it has the potential to be like the best concert of all time.

Behold, Sanitarium Peanut Butter, the peanut butter so good IT WILL DRIVE YOU INSANE! Actually, their slogan is “The spread you and you family have grown up with,” which is true if your last name is Manson, I guess. And in case you are wondering, yes, this is an honest to God real product you can buy as evidenced by this very appropriate and “Holy-Jesus-Please-Make-It-Stop” commercial:

A while back, I proclaimed myself King of Luxembourg (in exile). This evening, fortified by numerous malted beverages of Luxembourgian heritage, I strengthened my claim. (And yes, I really sent this to the Luxembourg embassy.)

Hi, as you can see from the attached link, I’m the King of Luxembourg (in exile). Please send me any and all products to which I am entitled.

Thanks!

King Greg

I’ll let you know when I move into the castle.

A conversation I had with my toddler son at the playground:

Son: Daddy, what’s that boy’s name?

Me: I don’t know, why don’t you go over there and ask him?

Son: (runs over to other child) Hi, what’s your name?

Boy: Steven

Son: (runs back to me) He says his name is Uncle Doyd.

I was stretching my legs at work today when I walked past a grey SUV in the parking lot that had its engine running. And strangely enough, when I glanced over at it, I saw no one in the driver’s seat. Then I looked a little to the left and saw a reclined bucket seat, a back, and a pair of legs in the air. People are fucking in the parking lot now. In broad daylight.

Now, I don’t really care if people are fucking in the parking lot, even if they’re hideously ugly. I couldn’t see much in the second and a half it took me to do a classic comedy double-take as I was walking by. And there are no kids in that area, so it’s not like they’re traumatizing anyone. In fact, once I inadvertently got someone in trouble for getting laid and I still feel bad about it. Continue reading