An unnamed 42 year old Dutch woman broke up with her boyfriend recently. So she did what anyone in her situation would do, assuming they were 13 and had unlimited cell phone access: She called him 65,000 times in one year.

On trial in The Hague (because things get mighty slow between genocide cases), the 42 year old argued that the calls weren’t excessive, and I tend to agree with her. It’s only 178 calls a day, people. I get just as many from my homeowner’s association telling me that it is illegal to bury prostitutes in my back yard to quiet down.

Sit back and revel in the subtle wonder that is Nicolas Cage.

A conversation I had this afternoon with my five year old son:

Him:  Can we watch the video of you skydiving again?

Me:  Forget that, let’s just go skydiving.

Him:  Really?  Mommy, can I go?

Mommy:  No.

Me:  Mommy’s no fun, is she?  I have no problem throwing you out of a plane.

Him:  Yeah, cause you’re cool!

Remember back in June when Vancouver and Boston squared off in Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?  Not if you’re American, where hockey’s TV ratings are consistently beaten by Bonanza reruns in Spanish.  But that did happen, and in a stunning display of “WAAAAAH!  WE LOST!”, Vancouver rioted after the Cup went to Boston in a 4-0 road win.  Seriously, you people need to get a fucking grip up there.  You’ve got legal weed, what is the goddamn problem?

Hold on to your hats, campers. Shit is about to get weird. See this guy in the picture below? His name is Edwin Charles Tobergta and he was recently arrested for after a man spotted him making off with his pink pool raft. Sayeth the cops in the police report:

The witness stated the defendant appeared to be having sex with the raft due to the fact that his pants were down around his ankles

Now before we commence with the wise-cracks, a couple of things we should note.  When approached by police, Mr. Tobergta admitted his guilt and pled for help with his plastic fetish, stating that he didn’t want to go to prison.  Cause, you know, very few pool rafts in there.  So it does seem like the poor guy needs help, or at least a plastic sex doll.

The other thing we should note is that even though Edwin admitted his guilt, all of this shit is alleged.  If I don’t point that out, Eddie could sue me and use the proceeds on Chlori-lube or something, and we can’t have that.  So this guy is super-innocent until such time as a judge says, “You fucked a raft?  Guil-fucking-ty!”

So the amended list of inanimate objects that were just begging for it is:

• Aforementioned pool raft
• A picnic table
• Street signs
• A bicycle
• A park bench
• The Eiffel Tower
• Tori Spelling

My eleven year old daughter came home from a day at the mall with friends this weekend, and she told me that her school bus driver drives the little mall choo-choo on weekends.  I guess she must really enjoy driving kids around, which puts her in a minority of one.  Because, let’s face it, kids are a fucking nightmare on the road.  My kids, when they’re not pissing, shitting, or puking in the back seat, will either be grinding food into the upholstery or punching each other in the teeth.  Sometimes all of these at the same time.

Here’s a conversation I just had with my five year old son upon learning that he had a new girl in class.

Me:  Is Riley your friend?

Him:  No

Me:  Why not?

Him:  Because she’s new!

Me:  You know, it’s kind of scary to be the new kid.  Why don’t you walk up to her tomorrow and say, “Hi!  You’re new here, aren’t you?  Do you want to play?”

Him:  I can’t do that!  She’ll say no!

Me:  Oh, I’m sure she’d love to play with you.

Him:  No she won’t.  She’ll say no!

Me:  Why would she say no?

Him:  Because I keep kicking her in the back!

So, life lesson #1 for my little guy:  If you want a girl to play with you, don’t kick her in the back.

…and other times you spend your time photoshopping your mental image of Hee-Haw: The Movie.  Such is life.

(Yes, of course Jack Black, Billy Bob Thornton, and Robert DeNiro would star in it.  H/T to By Ken Levine commenter jbryant for the casting.)

This, right here, is why we should be watching Mexican TV twenty-four hours a day.

An article on MSNBC.com yesterday caught my attention because it was so wonderfully loony, and because wonderfully loony things usually remind me of that wonderfully loony time in my life called “college”.  It seems that a young man decided to take a forklift for a joyride in Fort Worth, Texas.  On interstate 30.  While drinking beer and tossing the empties at pursuing police.  And of course, what would a drunken, felonious joyride be without bringing man’s best friend along for the ride?  Yes, he brought his dog.