I have been the recipient of many awards in my life. I was voted most likely to get involved in an alcohol-fueled high speed chase involving the police when I was in high school, for example. I once came in 3rd in a pussy eating contest in Peru (those cats were delicious!), and I don’t think anyone involved will ever forget the time that I crashed the Special Olympics and kicked some major fucking ass in the boxing competition. They said that everybody got a trophy, but at the end of the day I was the only one who didn’t have to eat pudding through a straw, so you tell me who won. Continue reading

I watched a guy lose his shit in public yesterday. I was driving home when I saw a school bus driver lay on the horn, skid the bus to an immediate halt, turn red in the face, and unleash a stream of what I assume were profanities if the shocked expressions the children in the back were wearing were any indication. Just stone cold lost it, and the reason why? No reason. He was screaming at a car that was driving normally in its own lane. Maybe the guy just has some sort of weird version of Tourette’s Syndrome which causes him to explode into profanity whenever he sees a Honda Civic. Continue reading

I’m a firm believer that all children should play a musical instrument. There are all sorts of studies that suggest that an exposure to playing music leads to an increase in general math scores, teaches discipline, fosters a feeling of accomplishment, fights tooth decay, combats halitosis, and all sorts of other things that the local junior high school’s band director dreamt up one night while he was really high. Playing music is great, but based on my experience, kids really should be limited to instruments no more complex than a triangle. Continue reading

Because I use my iPhone as my alarm clock, I was blasted out of bed at 3:26 this morning by an Amber Alert, I guess to let me know that I should report any missing 16 year old girls that happened to be in my bed. The only time in my life that I was interested in getting 16 year old girls into bed was when I was 16, of course, and that phase passed pretty quickly because 16 year old girls are fucking nutso. So I just rolled over and went back to sleep, getting up three hours later when Siri told me to. Continue reading

Work has been an absolute ball-cutter this last couple of weeks. During one 34 hour stretch late last week, I calculated that I had worked 29 of them. The only thing keeping anyone going over there is the large quantity of acid I put in the water cooler. This, now that I think of it, may have something to do with some of the issues we’ve been having with quality. Hmmm… Oh, well. Live and learn! Or as a now former coworker would say, “Get-Run-Over-By-A-Train-While-Freaking-Out-On-Acid and learn!” Continue reading

I work in IT, which is what us propellor-headed Poindexters call the computer industry when we’re not busy hacking into your home computers through virus-laden websites (such as this one!) to take a look at what kind of porn you’re into. Yes, we do that, and frankly we are disgusted. And aroused. Mostly aroused, actually. It takes a lot to disgust us. Continue reading

I’ve got a lot of respect for those that serve in the military. Well, that serve in our military, by which I mean the U.S. military. A lifetime of watching testosterone-laden, jingoistic movies has pretty much convinced me that the only military that matters is the United States Armed Forces. Oh, sure, we’ve got our staunch allies: The Brits, for instance, turned out to be a swell bunch of guys once we got over their crippling speech impediment. And speaking of speech impediments, the Aussies may not have a military capable of destroying a wedding via a drone strike like ours is, but they can hold their fucking own on shore leave, and that’s almost as important. Continue reading

Long time reader, hall of fame commenter, and eagle-eyed reader B’Homey sent me an article this morning which has one of the best headlines I’ve ever read: Man Offers Police Taco as Identification. There goes the old high score on the Breathalyzer! Continue reading

I’m often pulled aside by people on the street who want to know how I do it. “Greg,” they’ll say, “you are wealthy, charismatic, and successful beyond imagination. What is your secret?” I laugh when they ask this question. Then I slug them in the gut and take their wallet, because you don’t become wealthy and successful by passing on golden opportunities such as these. Besides, my success isn’t really a secret anymore, as anyone who has read my series of self-help books can tell you. Mug Your Way to Happiness; Retire Young by Preying on the Elderly; and It’s Easy to Fall Down and Hurt Yourself at Disneyland! all outline solid plans for the savvy go-getter who wants to get the most out of life. Continue reading

I’ve got some big news for you, so you’re probably going to want to sit down for this. If you’re already sitting, you can remain in that position, but you may want to prepare yourself to jump up in surprise. If you’re already jumping, you’re either on a trampoline, or you’ve read ahead and know the big news in advance. Either way, knock that shit off. Anyway, here we go: I’m going to be teaching a course at Harvard. Continue reading